I Do Not Know How To Ask

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Several years ago, when I was just starting to engage in coaching and be interested in esoteric practices, I almost accidentally got into a mini-training on how to manipulate men, oh, sorry, how to properly ask a man to do what a woman wants (there were the mind of the man with whom the listeners were in a relationship). We were told that if we want a man to do something, for example, move the closet in the room, first we need to "choose the right moment", that is, make sure that the man is full, cheerful, warm, in a good mood and not busy something overwhelming, like watching a hockey game on TV. Then you need to think over a "multi-move" - make up a dialogue in such a way that a man will definitely see his benefit from fulfilling your request, that is, you will move my closet, and I will give you borscht, dumplings or sex, depending on what is for this man is more important and pleasant, and of course, to behave playfully and not insist on anything, so as not to "frighten off" your man, who is always like a quivering doe.

While I was listening to all this - and at that time I was married for several years - I had only one question: “What, a man in himself is so stupid, lazy and worthless that he is not at all able to do something not in exchange for borscht and blowjob, but simply because his woman (whom, by the way, he completely voluntarily chose as his wife) asked him about it? " Or “requests” from women always come in some extreme conditions, for example, a man worked 14 hours in a mine, came home tired, frozen and hungry, and his wife stuck a bag of garbage into his hands from the doorway and hysterically demanded to move the cabinet immediately, since until he is moved, the man will not see any dinner and rest? That is, it is also difficult to classify it in the category of "reasonable" people?

I asked my question out loud, not finding the answer within myself. The coach, measuring me with an appraising glance, asked: "Are you, my dear, married?" I said yes.

- And what, you want to say that if you JUST ask your husband to move the closet, he JUST will move it?

- Well, yes, - I shrugged, - Why not? I don’t ask him to run barefoot in the snow around the house, and if the cabinet is moved, then there will be more space, this will not make anyone worse.

“You are talking nonsense, there are no such men,” the coach snapped and asked me to leave the room so that I would not “spoil the statistics” for her.

I asked the coach one more question. Simple. Is she married. What do you think she answered?

I have always treated men with respect a priori, according to the principle of "the presumption of innocence" - that is, I respect you until you proved to me that this should not be done, and hence the reasoning that a man needs to be "controlled" or " manipulate”puzzles me. Further coaching work - both with myself and with clients - led me to a different understanding. The problem is not that a man doesn’t do something, but that a woman doesn’t know how to ask, and this is where all these “multi-moves” and resentment that he, they say, “didn’t guess, but should have” are born …

Analyzing the cases that I encountered in my work, I came to the idea that there are three reasons for “inability to ask”, and all of them, most likely, originate from childhood.

Reason one: Fear of rejection.

The lightest and most "lying on the surface". The problem is not that a woman is not able to pronounce a phrase like: "Darling, please move the wardrobe," but that she does not know what to do if he answered "no", no matter what the reason - "no" right now, because it is now five to eight in the morning and he needs to go to the office, and he will move the closet in the evening; “No” because the closet is really heavy and in order to move it, you either need to call Tolik's neighbor or buy a special trolley, respectively, the closet will be moved after Tolik arrives from a business trip or on the weekend, when a man buys a trolley; “No”, because this cabinet is sold and they are about to come for it and it really doesn’t make sense to move it; or even "no" due to the fact that there is something hidden behind the closet and it must be moved strictly in the absence of his wife nearby. The mechanism of "focus shifting" works here, I will call it so, the refusal of a man is perceived not as something aimed at the request itself, but at the woman herself, as such. "He refused my request because I am bad / not good enough, he does not love me, does not appreciate me, nobody needs me at all, I am worthless." In this state of mind, rejection is never adequately understood. If a woman's self-perception is okay, then even if her husband refused the request, and even without explaining the reasons, she will not “wind herself up,” she will shrug her shoulders and find another way, if this movement of the cabinet is absolutely necessary and important for her. Or she will ask the question, why, in fact, the husband does not want to move the closet, and perhaps even accept his arguments, because she did not find herself and her husband in the garbage and treats him and herself with respect.

In general, the balance of respect in a relationship is so important that I do not quite understand why people who do not respect themselves and each other live together and pretend to be a “family”. And on such trifles as "move the closet - you ruined my whole life" and the essence of the relationship and the level of adequacy of the spouses are checked. As in coaching, the position “you are okay, I am okay”, I love and respect myself and you, and this is more important than a closet or something else. Here, most likely, the question will be to the woman, what kind of sensations after a possible refusal in her request she is so afraid and why.

Reason two: Lack of faith in yourself.

Slightly similar to the reason for the first, but slightly different focus. The woman is initially not sure that she may even want to "move the closet." That is, this thought came to her mind, but she really does not know if it is correct. Maybe the fact that it seems to her that the closet needs to be moved is in fact an illusion? If the husband immediately agreed, then the woman says "phew", wipes the sweat from her forehead and happily runs to cook borscht, but if he refused? This means that my desire to move the closet is "wrong", but does my husband know better? And then it went in the style of “Does this dress make me look fat? Does this lipstick age me? Doesn't this color suit me? " With all these "insecurities" to go to men is useless, well, except for cases when he is a gay stylist, and he has a completely different view, and an average heterosexual man cannot answer such questions, his brain is arranged differently.

- And what, - he asks, - You yourself do not see whether it suits you or not? Is there not a single mirror in the house?

To be honest, this female "helplessness" really annoys, not only men. People around you are not obliged to decide for you what suits you and what doesn't, learn to trust your taste or go to a stylist, this is his job, he is paid for it. One more thing - what if the closet really is in the best place, or in general on the only possible one, and despite all your "dances with tambourines" and promises of borscht and other pleasures, your adequate husband will look at you over his glasses and newspaper and say: "No, dear, I will not move it, we live in a one-room apartment and it is built-in !!!"

Reason three, my favorite: pride.

The reason is the most "non-obvious" and masquerading as other reasons. Works in two versions - directly and indirectly, as raising oneself and as belittling.

In the version of self-elevation, a message from a woman will be in the spirit: "This is not a royal business, to ask some slave." In this case, the request is submitted in the form of an order, and it must be executed immediately. The technique works if the relationship in a couple is built according to the principle “the wife is a wise mother, and the husband is a stupid child”, and it would not even occur to a man to “disobey”, and if a woman with such an attitude is faced with a man who is fine with self-esteem and self-perception, in his understanding, the family is not an army, and his wife is not a colonel, and he will not react to orders in principle. Here I fully believe that a woman “does not know how to ask” - that's right, she knows how to order, but this is not the same thing. Such women perceive the request as a manifestation of weakness, as humiliation, if you will. She initially perceives a man as a being of the "lower race", as her servant, and the servants are not asked, they are ordered. There is no smell of love and respect in such relationships, and here you need to work with a woman in the plane “men are people too” and figure out where this disdainful attitude towards them came from.

In an indirect version, a woman puts herself in the place of a “slave” herself. I must say that this is illusory, deep down (I can’t say “deep down,” because there is no soul here, these are personal flirting with the Ego), the woman still considers herself a queen, only in exile, and behaves disproportionately fussy, “overplaying ", -" I'll sit here in the corner, don't pay attention to me, because I'm such an inconspicuous person, but then something happens to me, and you all will break down and understand how badly you treated me and you will be tormented feeling of guilt for the rest of your days, moo ha ha! ". She, too, does not know how to ask, because slaves do not ask, they can only silently wait for the "master" to pay attention to them and give them everything. And he doesn't pay, because he doesn't have to guess. If you need something - ask, silently sniffle in the corner with offended - a childish position, and I married not a child, but an adult woman.

It turns out that the inability to ask is not so "nonsense", behind it is the inability to build relationships in general, both with others and with oneself, and a general "misunderstanding of oneself", at least. Why this is more typical for women - I don't know for sure, but I have not yet come across men with the request “I don’t know how to ask my wife to cook me borscht”.

Tips and universal recipes for all the cases described above either do not exist, or a person must come to them on their own, but if you, my readers and readers, recognized yourself or your friends in the descriptions, then this is a good reason to think about how you are with love and respect, first of all, to oneself, and secondly to the world.