What To Do To Be Heard And Taken Into Account? And To Have Mutual Understanding?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

It often happens in a relationship that one person expresses his dissatisfaction to another through claims, accusations, reproaches, criticism, and shame.

And such actions can sometimes give the desired result in some situation.

But in the future, this greatly complicates the relationship.

The other person either moves away and closes.

Spends time with other people.

Or he attacks in response with mutual claims, accusations, reproaches, criticism, shame.

And this again causes discontent and all subsequent repetitive actions.

And it looks like a vicious circle.

This does not lead to the desired relationship.

Let's see why this is happening.

So there is a person who is not satisfied with something.

For example, a woman is not happy that a man pays little attention to her.

And in this regard, what does she do?

She says something like this:

"You always have time for someone or something, but not for me!" (reproach)

Or: "You are so inattentive, so you immediately run to your friends, and you won't ask to be with me!" (accusation and criticism)

Or: “How can you do that? What kind of man are you? Here Galka always has a husband for her and flowers and words about love, but you won't get anything from you! (shame and comparison with another, i.e. criticism).

And how do you think the other person feels when they hear all this?

Now, if someone told you that, how would you feel?

Usually people feel hurt, criticism and reproaches make them angry.

You can feel ashamed that I am somehow not so correct, not good, bad.

Shame is a very unpleasant and difficult feeling.

Or the feeling of guilt - it's all my fault, what kind of person am I …

In general, feelings arise unpleasant and heavy.

And this causes the desire to defend or attack in response or communicate to a minimum.

In general, I want to rid myself of such communication so as not to face these experiences.

Therefore, a person leaves somewhere to communicate with other people, who does not condemn him, does not criticize, does not blame, does not shame.

What to do in such situations?

After all, such dissatisfaction with someone's actions cannot be avoided.

In any relationship, there are collisions of interests, needs, desires, and then what?

Silence and swallow your displeasure?

Or ignore it?

And then how will all this accumulated breakthrough that will get to loved ones!

Mom dear!

Moreover, he himself will be ashamed of such behavior …

I suggest talking about what you are unhappy with, what you disagree with, what you are missing.

It is only important to find such a form of these messages, so that someone else wants to hear you.

What kind of form is this? - you ask.

I'm talking about the so-called "I-messages".

This means that talking about what we do not like in connection with some ACTIONS of another person.

The emphasis in this goes to the fact that I do not like the MAN himself, in his concrete ACTIONS.

We and our actions are not the same thing.

Our actions may not please ourselves and others.

And we can change them if we want.

When it is our actions that are judged, it does not affect us so much.

It is in our power to change them.

Now, if they hurt our PERSONALITY, then we want to protect ourselves from this.

So, through the I-message, we inform the other that WE FEEL in connection with some ACTIONS of another person.

And further, it is important to say how you would like it to be instead.

For example: “I feel sad when you don't pay attention to me. It is important for me to hear from you that you like me. It would be great if you could speak them more often."

Here we mean how we feel about the lack of attention from the other.

And we concretize so that we would like instead.

If you were told that, how would you react?

Would you like to attack?

Or defend against it?

My personal experience and the results of clients confirm that with such an expression of their dissatisfaction, there is a high probability that the other person can hear you and take into account your wishes.

And it's also important to just talk to each other.

Respectfully listening to what the other has to say.

And ask, not demand.

And negotiate, taking into account yourself and the other.

But we can talk about this for a long time.

And for today, it seems to me, there will be enough food for thought.

What can prevent you from starting to communicate through "I-messages"?

1. To start communicating through "I-messages" it is important to be able to notice your emotions well. It is important to understand what the need is behind these emotions, i.e. what I want about these emotions.

2. In order for this skill to formulate your phrases through "I-messages" to appear, you just need to try to do it many times. It is important to train him. It does not form instantly. This takes time.

3. Often in relationships we see not a real person, but some projections onto him. For example, a person says something to us, and we hear in his words the words of his mother, who communicated with us in a similar way.

And then it is important to deal with what we project onto the other.

Understand the relationship with whom we reproduce in the relationship with our partner or child or friend, etc.

And it's important to take steps to change that.

So that we can communicate with a real person, and not with some kind of projection.

And then there will be more mutual understanding, intimacy and warmth in our relationship.

How do you deal with the things that make you unhappy?

Is it possible to talk about it with respect to another?

This can be really hard to learn!

With the help of a psychologist, this can be done faster.

And then you have more time and opportunities to get satisfaction from your relationship!

Contact us, I will be glad to help you change your relationship for the better!