2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Have you noticed that people often communicate not with each other, but with each other? One is waiting for the second to finish to say: "But I have …", "And I …". And it turns out a verbal relay race - we exchanged words and kind of talked. It is not a dialogue that comes out, but monologues about each other. It's good if unsolicited advice was not given.
There are several types of communication:
• deep;
• superficial;
• toxic.
With a deep type of communication partners hear, see, feel each other. Communicate with each other, not with their projections. For example, one talks about his sadness, the other shares the sadness. Does not give unsolicited advice, does not try to cheer or change the subject, does not shift attention, does not crumble from heavy feelings. Says something, plan: “I am with you, I share your sadness, I am near. You can lean on me, I will not move away, I will not unstuck. Share your feelings with me."
With superficial communication the contact seems to be dissolved in the air, but it is elusive, it will not collapse in any way. Feeling "just about, somewhere close", as if you are trying to sneeze, but it does not work. When I talk about my sadness, I see that the interlocutor is trying to understand me. But instead of accepting it communicates about me, not me. It is difficult for him to live his sadness, so he does not understand how to deal with mine. Instead of: "Shhhh, I'm near, I'm with you, take my hand" I hear: "Oh, well, of course, do this …", or: "Don't be sad, everything will be fine" … Contact is like a ghost: I stretch out my hand, I want to touch, but I touch the air and do not understand whether they see me, or just their reflection in me.
Toxic communication - when there is no smell of contact. There is only devaluation, ignorance, teaching, manipulation, up to violence. It is impossible to talk about yourself and your feelings in such a relationship. In response I will hear: "It is my own fault" or "Leave me alone, not up to you", or "I inflated the problem, this is nonsense, not a problem," or "Go away, do not annoy me."
How to learn deep communication
Usually, with the help of words, we try to talk about our condition and get a reaction. Or hear about the state of the interlocutor and give your reaction. State is the backing of words, their reverse side. Learning to recognize and read this background is the key to building intimacy.
First, we learn to notice this substrate in ourselves. When you are communicating with someone, notice and name with a verb or phrase with a verb what you are doing right now. For example: "Complaining" or "sharing joy" or "bragging" or "doubtful" or "trying to please" or "sharing useful information." For example, the background of this article is "sharing useful information." What is your substrate right now? "Interested"? "Find out useful"? "Chaotically leafing through the tape, killing time"? Listen to yourself and use a verb or phrase to name what you are doing right now. “I read” is the top, what's under it? What is the purpose? Verb or phrase.
Have you noticed that sometimes after reading some articles or watching a video, an unpleasant aftertaste remains, but it's hard to understand why? The author did not say nasty things in plain text, but the feeling - as if you stepped into a sticky bad-smelling stain? Or do you communicate with someone, you do not seem to be rude, but you feel angry? Name the background of the interlocutor in one word. You will understand the reason for the anger or unpleasant aftertaste. Most likely, the substrate will “condemn”, “devalue”, “reject”. You can devalue or condemn a beautiful phrase without a single harsh word. Therefore, it is important what is put under the words.
At first, it can be difficult: you either do not understand all the substrates, or you will not pick up names for all. It is a skill, and the skill is trained with practice.
The next step is to determine the need behind the substrate. We also start with ourselves. We noticed a substrate, then asked: “Why?”. For example, the substrate is "showing off."What for? - I want recognition. Or "complaining" - why? I want to be sorry. Or “I’m telling you that it’s sad” - why? To be supported. Or "I advise" - why? I want to know how to proceed.
You can experiment: during the week, notice and write down what you do most often. So you find out through what states you live and what actions you expect. Some people are surprised to realize that 80 percent of the time they complain or seek support or want to be liked. There is no time for joy.
When you learn to notice substrates and understand your needs, you will be able to read the needs of others. Notice the background, ask yourself the question: "What exactly is the person doing?" For example, "brags, wants recognition." Or "complains, wants support." Or "hesitates, expects advice." When you understand someone else's need, you can give the person what he expects. Satisfy his need, not his own about him. It's about close relationships. Of course, you should not satisfy the needs of everyone in a row, but only those who are dear.
You may want to brag in return, but before that, notice the need of the other, satisfy it, then share yours. It's like a harmonious dance in which both feel each other. Without this, a game with only one goal will turn out: you satisfy other people's needs, but not yours.
If the partner is not familiar with this technique, you can teach him by example (only if he agrees). Introduce him to your substrates and needs. For example: “I am now sharing my pride, mind this, please admit that I am great. Just tell me about it, it's important to me. " Or: “I share my sadness with you, support is important to me, without advice. Just hug me, I want to wrap myself in you and feel the warmth."
If a person did not know that this was possible, became interested and sincerely wanted to learn, he will quickly master a new way of communication. People love to be heard and accepted. When they are noticed and communicated with them, and not about them. Therefore, they are happy to master it. But it won't work for everyone.
Sometimes because of psychological trauma, sometimes because of "broken" emotions or other reasons, a person is not ready for dialogue. If in childhood they communicated with him through the background “you are bad, pitiful, worthless, interfere with my life,” he had to learn to cope with it. He was in so much pain that he unconsciously "chose" to seal his feelings and build a shell around them. Only the person himself can replay the situation. If you start picking it out of the shell, asking to see your needs, it will end up even more distant. The harder you pull, the deeper it will hide.
If you're pulling without asking, look at your backing. There will be either “saving”, or “fixing another”, or “trying to build intimacy alone” and the like. It is important to figure out the need behind the desire to save, mend, or build a pairing relationship alone. Also find out the need to choose a difficult person who resists deep intimate relationships.
If you want to clarify your needs or are ready to peek out of the shell, welcome to the online psychological consultation. I am a psychologist, I will share effective and careful methods that will help you to look out of the shell, and, if you wish, learn to live without it. To make life more interesting, close and deep relationships have appeared in it.
Julia Sypachevskaya, psychologist
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