2 Techniques From A Psychologist To Speak In Conflict With A Partner And Children

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

It happens that something breaks down in communication, and then communication turns into a "broken phone":

"We speak different languages"

"It's easier not to talk at all, so as not to swear"

How to construct a phrase so that the other side does not go straight to offense or defense?

How to speak so that you are heard? Let's study together!

Let's take a step-by-step analysis of techniques that help to speak in a conflict so that you are heard.

The self-message technique

Its essence is that a person speaks about his feelings and desires, without evaluating the other. This removes the negative emotional background and defensive reactions. Allows the other to hear what's important to you.

Formula "I-messages":

fact + feelings + needs + expected result.

We only talk about ourselves:

When I see what is happening … (we describe the fact without being tied to another person)

I feel … (we name our emotions as accurately as possible: anger, powerlessness, rage, helplessness, etc.)

Because it is important for me (we specify and describe as much as possible what is important)

I would like the situation to develop … (describe our expectations. Try to avoid the pronoun "you"!)

For example, the husband did not pick up the child from the kindergarten on time.

“When I realize that our child has stayed in the garden longer than the prescribed time, I get angry and upset. Because it is important for me that he lives as usual. I would like the child to get home on time next time."

Such messages can also be built through positive reinforcement. By explaining what behavior you like.

For example, in a situation where it is necessary for children to put away toys after themselves, you can say this:

“When I see how clean your room is, I feel joy. Because I like it when you help me with the housework / when the house is clean and tidy, I am very pleased to be in such an environment."

Technique "About the Other"

This method is effective for communicating with children. Very similar to “I-messages”, but now you are talking about the feelings and emotions of another person.

Formula of messages “About other”:

fact + feelings + needs + expected result.

How to build a phrase:

When you see what is happening … (describe the fact that happened)

Do you feel … (we call the feelings of another)

Because it is important for you … (speaking the needs of the interlocutor)

But in fact, you would like the situation to look like … (we describe the desired result)

For example:

“When you see how much homework has been assigned to you, you feel desperate. It seems like it can't be done. Because in fact, you want to do everything efficiently, get good grades, and feel successful. You would like the scope of the assignments to be within your reach."

And the next step is to ask:

“Perhaps you need help to structure the scope of work and find a way to cope with it on time?”

This helps children keep track of their feelings, learn to name them correctly. See what events affect his emotional state. Hearing that you understand him, feel, you are on the side of the child.

We train "on cats"

These techniques are unusual. We weren't taught that way. And, perhaps, it will not be possible to build a competent phrase the first time, and not even from the tenth.

To learn how to properly build your speech, it is better to practice. In a conflict, emotions sometimes go off scale.

So now remember a couple of conflict situations. Try to formulate your thought using these techniques.

But if you find yourself in a situation where quarrels and misunderstandings have become an integral part of life, when it becomes more and more difficult to speak every day, go to a specialist who will be happy to help you deal with it personally or online!