About Love Addiction

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Now the topic of love addiction is actively "gone", and I decided to place a few more necessary accents. Love addiction has its origin in the early trauma of the loss of emotional connection with the mother, which is vital for the child. Whether the mother left her child (for example, in connection with going to work) or remained emotionally unavailable even when she was around, trauma inevitably arises if a child attached to his mother with all his being does not receive in response the warmth, involvement, and indulgence necessary for his life. vulnerabilities (crying, whims, unwillingness), interest in his life, admiration for the baby, in general, all that we call love. Not having received a sufficient amount of it, the child loses faith in his need, attractiveness, value, loses faith in the fact that he can be loved. Without this belief in his own importance, without the appropriated maternal love for himself, he himself cannot feel loved and needed. This child, and subsequently the inner child, remains very hungry - hungry for love and warmth; and will look for an opportunity to satisfy this hunger. The greatest tragedy is that, if the mother had given a part of yourself in due time, the need would certainly have been realized, having formed in your soul a reliable confidence that you are loved and accepted, accepted without fail - in the wrong way by another person; An unfulfilled need generates such a deficit that can never be satisfied with the help of an external figure, although enormous efforts are spent to keep this figure nearby, and unthinkable sacrifices are made. When that very time has passed, the hungry child can no longer be fed by anyone outside. Hunger can only be satisfied from within; however, the one who is in love addiction still dreams of getting the shortage from the partner. … Gentle words, participation, warmth, the partner's interest in his life "revives" the formerly repressed deficit, exacerbates the feeling of need, and the fear of losing the source of love prompts the desire to bind this source to oneself more tightly. Because the hunger awakened from hibernation cannot be endured. A person hungry for love can love himself only with the help of a love partner, through his words and actions, as well as dreams about them; and when a partner is not around, he loses the feeling of self-love, fullness, and warmth. Many people note this phenomenon: "When he was near, I felt filled with life, when he left, I died, only my shell remained." In this case, the feeling of self-love is very shaky, elusive, and it depends on the presence of a loved one nearby, on his tenderness, interest, admiration. And, of course, a hungry child does not want to lose his mother again, it hurts too much. A hungry child tries to control the “mother” (partner) so that she stays close and does not stop giving what is needed.

He cannot share "mother" with anyone, refusing to recognize her right to be separate. By and large, a hungry child does not care how the "mother" lives. He does not care about her problems or desires. It is only important for him to receive food - love. This inability to do "without a mother" for some time, the inability to occupy life with oneself, with one's own interests - makes love dependence insurmountable. The trauma left the child in a sense of emptiness, lack of love and its source; he tried to get love as best he could. Controlling the mother - with illnesses and fears, adjusting to her expectations; saving her from her problems, becoming comfortable and invisible … For some hungry children, with the disappearance of their mother, life stopped: devastated, barely alive, they came to life only when she returned. The same happens with adults addicted to love: they live from meeting to meeting, having no resource to fill the time between themselves and their lives: it is almost of no interest to them. As long as the source of self-love remains outside, dependence on it remains, and the desire to subjugate it, control and manage it. … When we are able to be distracted by our life, when we find it meaningful, when we are able to be interested in something other than relationships, we significantly weaken this dependence. And we release the partner. And, if you have recognized yourself, how can you learn to do "without a mother," without loving yourself through a partner, how can you learn to love yourself directly? … Everything is the same: to look for interconnections - how the present reproduces the past, to sympathize with a hungry child who had such a bad time … With each new case of sinking, sticking, find your deepest suffering part, cry with it, without judging yourself and not demanding immediate healing … to those who were responsible for fulfilling their parental role, but did not fulfill it properly. These actions help exhaust past suffering; expressed, they cease to "press" on the present. And also … To talk (if possible) with a partner, to share painful - without demanding or expecting anything. And, if he is able to stay with you in your vulnerability, you will get a new experience of acceptance, and "transfer" it to other people who may not be as cold and indifferent as your mother was. … Find activities that you really like, invite the "child" to play while "mom" is not around. Learn to fill your living space with yourself. And, the more you manage to do this, the more freedom in relationships you and your partner will have. Author: Veronika Khlebova