Self-criticism And Self-accusation

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Self-criticism and self-blame: 5 strategies to deal with

Why do we resort to self-criticism and self-blame? There is no doubt that a significant part of emotional and psychological maturity includes responsibility for our actions, as well as the words we speak. In a healthy relationship, each person has an answer and is empowered to correct mistakes and violations of trust and care, and does just that. We learn from our mistakes.

But for those who grew up in homes where love was absent or withheld, who were the eternal scapegoat, and verbal abuse or shame was the norm,

Self-flagellation is often a substitute for healthy responsibility

What complicates the problem further is that this behavior is unconscious. Default settings learned as a child as a way to cope with a situation or relive how you have been treated. These unconscious mind habits not only get in the way of making healthy, lasting connections, but they actively stop you from healing and living a quality life.

How and why

The adult habit of self-blame is often an internalization of childhood experiences. Especially in a family where everything that goes right and looks perfect was highly encouraged. And the parent, or even both parents, needed someone to be the scapegoat when they didn't.

One of the most interesting things about scapegoats, one researcher found, is that it allows adults to believe that their family is actually healthier or better functioning than it actually is. By focusing on one child who is to blame, you can convince yourself that everyone else is just a dandy, and that life will go smoothly if not for Katya or Vasya, who are busy and do not complicate life.

Of course, if you are Katya or Vasya, and you have been told over and over again that everything is always your fault, you believe that this is a general principle that applies to every day of your life.

If you were the scapegoat as a child and came to believe that you somehow deserved blame and ridicule, this unconscious and automatic acceptance of responsibility carries over into adulthood. These adults are avid flatterers, afraid to say no, and feel like they always have to work to gain other people's acceptance. And when there is a disagreement, a clash, or even a small disagreement, they try to fix the situation by blaming themselves. This can create an unhealthy kind of escalation, constant stress.

My role as a child was to keep the peace. I hated quarrels between parents and siblings so much that I was ready to take the blame on myself to stop the screaming. I grew up in a screaming family, and screaming scared me. I didn't realize that I was continuing in the same spirit until a few years ago, when my best friend and I had a fight over a trip together. After I hung up, I panicked, I'm sure he was going to cancel the trip. I called, but he did not answer, so I started sending SMS, apologizing, asking for forgiveness, saying that it was my fault. Well, it turned out he was in a four hour meeting and when he got out he had 15 complaints from me. He did not cancel the trip, but convinced me to see a psychologist, and I did it

The habit of self-blame also contributes to engaging in controlling and abusive relationships. Because your focus on being at fault is likely to obscure how your friend, partner, or spouse treats you.

Self-criticism: It is a habit of the mind that attributes every mistake, failure, or rejection to a fixed aspect of character or personality that cannot be changed. People don't see what went wrong in a broader and much less personal context. This is closely related to self-blame - indeed, it has its roots in the way you were mistreated as a child - but it is a default unconscious position that is very difficult to wean. This internalization of being the object of constant screaming says that everything you did as a child was inadequate or insufficient, and that you were an imperfect person by nature.

Self-criticism goes like this: “I did not get a job because the interviewer saw right through me and knew that I was incompetent,” “the relationship collapsed because I’m too difficult a person,” “I might not even try to get this position, because I not good enough."

Self-digging overwhelms all attempts to make your life better or better and holds you back psychologically. Seeing yourself in full - your strengths and weaknesses and accepting both - is the only way to overcome self-flagellation.

5 methods of troubleshooting

The best way to deal with self-blame and self-criticism is through therapy, but there are self-help methods you can try.

1. Work to distinguish between responsibility and self-incrimination

Consider how your actions and inactions, the words and things left unspoken, affected the outcome. A completely different picture is created than that which is drawn by self-blame. Spend time contemplating all aspects of a recent event or interaction that didn't go as well as you hoped. Analyze all the factors that contributed to the result.

Let's say your relationship ended badly. Instead of blaming yourself (“Of course she didn't want to be my friend because I put too many demands on people”), focus on what each of you did: “She needed to control every aspect of our connection, and I had to let her. I just let myself be controlled until I could take no more.

There is a huge difference between attributing a result to certain factors and having to associate someone with it. This childhood habit must be left behind.

2. Respond to your inner critic

Make a list of the things you like about yourself - qualities that you admire or abilities that you think are good. Take some time to focus on them. See yourself as a friend, and if you have trouble doing it, ask a friend to honestly describe you. When the critical voice starts its song, stop it. Speak out loud if you are alone, and repeat that these supposed "facts" about you - that you are lazy, inadequate, unresponsive - are simply lies. If you do this often enough, the old reflex will start to be crowded out.

3. Do see yourself completely

Both self-blame and self-criticism rely on reducing a person to a small number of character flaws that supposedly define him or her. Instead of seeing yourself in three dimensions, you are reducing yourself to the crack in the doorway when you behave this way. Talk to close friends about how they see you at your full breadth.

4. Develop self-awareness

Unlike self-pity, you see - your actions and inactions, strengths and weaknesses - in a broader context that is not subjective. (Yes, the term derives from Buddhism.) To summarize:

• Be kind and understand yourself, not judge.
• Seeing that your experiences, actions, and reactions are no different from how other people feel, act, and react. Instead of blaming yourself, you find yourself on the spectrum of human responses.
• Be aware of painful feelings without being overwhelmed or overly identified with them.

Of course, self-awareness is difficult if your default settings are guilt and judgment, but over time it can be comprehended.

5. Examine your beliefs about yourself

Do you see the character and personality of a person as clay, malleable and capable of change? Research by Carol S. Dweck and others shows that how you believe in yourself affects more than how you think and act. But it can either help you recover from rejection and failure, or it can prevent you from recovering. So you think that you and other people can make a difference if you want to? Or do you get what you give? These beliefs matter.

These old habits can be changed with persistence and effort once you become aware of them.