How To Let Go Forever A Person Or A Situation That Has Been Tormenting For Years

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Author: Nikolay Linde Psychotherapist, author of the method of emotional-figurative therapy, Ph. D

The article is devoted to a new approach to solving the problem of emotional dependence. The idea is that emotional dependence is determined by the feelings or parts of the subject's personality that are "invested" in the object of dependence. These feelings or parts of the personality can be brought back through the method of emotional-figurative therapy, which leads to instant and complete release from addiction.

Examples of specific corrective work with various cases of emotional dependence using this method are given. The possibilities of extending the method to many related areas of therapy are shown.

Emotional addiction is the loss of personal autonomy, or a sense of personal autonomy, for emotional reasons.

Moreover, the subject of this dependence:

1. Experiencing suffering due to the inaccessibility of the object of his feeling, or due to the impossibility of changing his behavior, or due to the inadequate power of the object over him;

2. Feels the impossibility of getting rid of addiction;

3. The feeling that binds him has a chronic negative impact on the life path, general well-being, decision-making and behavior of the subject.

There are quite a few options for emotional addictions. It can be a love dependence on a specific person, the relationship with whom has ended or, on the contrary, cannot end in any way.

Perhaps it is a dependence on the very feeling of love (erotomania), so that the object of the feeling is not unique. It can be an addiction based on a sense of duty, when, for example, a woman is afraid to quit an alcoholic or drug addict, because he will "disappear" without her, and she will feel guilty.

It can be an addiction based on feelings of hatred or resentment, when the connection does not stop, because these feelings do not find their solution.

This may be dependence on the mother (or another person) with whom an emotional merger (confluence) has occurred. In this case, the subject automatically experiences the same feelings as the object.

It can be addiction based on the feeling of his own helplessness, when the subject feels complete subordination to another person. For example, a girl may feel that she is psychologically still in the womb and is afraid to face the real world.

This may be an emotional dependence on an already deceased person, with whom the subject was unable to say goodbye. It can be a dependence on a terrible or, conversely, a wonderful past in which this subject still lives. It may be a dependence on the future in which the subject has invested his dreams and hopes. Etc.

The subject can suffer for many years from a feeling that makes him dependent, sometimes not even realizing it, sometimes resigned to it, and sometimes, not wanting to part with it. Psychological assistance in these cases is aimed at ensuring that the client passes from the state of dependence to the state of independence, and later, if he wants, to the state of interdependence.

The last name seems to us not very successful, although it is accepted in the literature. You might think that now both individuals will become slaves to each other. But, it means that both will be free and, nevertheless, can feel the need for each other and can love each other without experiencing the constraint and limitation of possibilities.

Liberation is always accompanied by a feeling of lightness and absence of restrictions, a calm and balanced reaction to the behavior of another person. It is good, for example, if, in the event of an unexpected breakup, a young man can say in words of a cheerful song: "If a bride leaves for another, then it is not known who is lucky."

Unfortunately, sometimes they say with anger: "So do not get you to anyone!" or "Did you pray before bed, Desdemona?" or with a depressing meaning: "My life is over." Professional therapeutic help is often needed to heal a heart wound, and this is a big and difficult job. But…

Using the EOT method, we were able to find some quick and effective ways to solve a number of the above problems, the individual's achievement of a state of independence, which at the same time advanced us in understanding the essence of emotional dependence itself, the psychological mechanisms of its occurrence. I'll start with an example.

Example 1. "Blue ball"

At a seminar that I conducted at one institute for third-year students, a student asked me to help her with the problem of unhappy love. She had been under the influence of this feeling for two years now.

Every day she only thought about "him," she lived purely mechanically, she was not really interested in anything, she could not fall in love with someone else, as her friends advised her. She visited a psychoanalyst at one time, but this did not help her in the least.

To begin with, I invited her to imagine that the same young man is on the chair in front of her and describe the experiences she is experiencing. She replied that her whole body, her whole body, is madly attracted to him, and this feeling is localized in the chest.

Further, following the basic scheme of therapy, I invited her to imagine an image of this feeling in the same chair where the young man had “sat” before. She replied that it was a bright blue ball, which definitely belonged to her. At the same time, she wanted to throw this ball away, but she could not do it, because, according to her, then she seemed to have died completely.

Already at this stage, the structure of the impasse in which it found itself became obvious. She clearly wanted to supplant her feelings, because of which she suffered, but at the same time did not want to lose them.

Her ability to love in the form of a blue ball was projected onto a young man, and she was deprived of contact with this part of her personality, therefore she felt apathy, lived mechanically and could not love someone else. This same projection created a powerful attraction to find this blue ball again.

Then I suggested to her to try to get out of the impasse in turn both of these options:

1. Throw out the ball completely;

2. Take it into yourself as part of your personality.

After that, it was possible to make sure which action would suit her the most. However, she showed strong resistance and flatly refused both options.

In order to undermine this rigid system, I invited the members of the group to participate in this process. Each in turn stood behind the girl's back and made a speech on her behalf, in which he justified his decision to throw or accept this ball. This question touched everyone and everyone spoke very emotionally. After that, she still didn't make any decision.

Then I decided to exacerbate the situation even more and applied the gestalt therapy technique, inviting her to stand in the middle of the room with her arms out to the sides, and to everyone else to pull her in the direction of their decision and persuade her to do just that.

The struggle flared up serious, for some reason all the men were in favor of throwing the ball, and all the women were in favor of leaving it. But the main action happened very quickly, the girl literally cried out: "I won't give it up for anything!" - and rushed to the group of women, although the men held her very tightly.

Since the decision was made, I stopped the “game” and asked her how she was feeling. With surprise, she admitted that she felt very good, and the ball was now in her heart.

“But,” she added, “it’s not likely to last long. I suffered so much, and went to a psychoanalyst. And here in an hour … Most likely it will all come back.

I invited her to sit down and again imagine that young man in front of her.

- What do you feel now?

- It's strange, I feel tenderness for him, but I do not suffer.

- Can you let him go now? Tell him that you wish him happiness without you?

- Yes, now I can. (Referring to the image of a young man). I let you go and wish you happiness regardless of me.

She saw how the image of a young man recedes and melts, and this made her even easier.

Now I offered her my interpretation: "The blue ball is your heart. It was given to the young man." I said that along with the feelings that she wanted to get rid of, she threw out her own heart, which provides the ability to love and feel, which is why she was in apathy.

Now that her heart is in place, she can not suffer and let this person go, while maintaining warm feelings for him. So Pushkin in his famous poem said goodbye to his beloved: "I loved you, love still, perhaps."

After this explanation, another girl said:

- I understood. I had the same thing for eight years. I kept him psychologically all the time, tortured myself, tortured others, I could not truly live and love. Now I want to finish this.

In a fit of feelings, she jumped on a chair and loudly announced that from now on he was free and could live as he wanted and she was free too.

The seminar ended with a general discussion.

A week later, I met the first girl at the workshop again, her face was shining, she said:

- Thank you very much. For the first time I lived happily for a week.

I watched her until the end of the semester, everything was fine. In the last lesson, she said that she no longer suffers, but she still has happy memories of that love.

A comment. Later, I realized that this is how almost all situations with emotional dependence work. We are always talking about the fact that together with the loss of a beloved object, the investments that he once invested in him in the hope of receiving emotional “dividends” are also "detached" from the person. He feels a loss, a part of his soul is lost. He cannot create new relationships because there is nothing more to invest.

But investments in relationships make them reliable and meaningful, then the relationship is valued. If the other person reciprocates with the first person, then everyone is happy, and there is a strong emotional connection between them, which provides a good basis for starting a family. When both parties to the process make mutual investments, this ensures their happiness, they have not only their favorite object, but also their own investments, because they are also with them, if the relationship is not broken.

Moreover, with them are the investments that the "opposite side" made in them. Everyone is pleased to know that he is dear to a loved one, that he is trying for you.

This idea has become the basis of a series of successful works on overcoming emotional addiction. Of course, one cannot say that the heart of one individual really moves to the person he loves, and the latter controls him. But it is not in vain that those who love so often say that they have given their heart to the one they love.

As the poets write: "My heart is in the mountains, and I myself am below …" In subjective reality, something that does not happen objectively is possible, however, it has a very real and objective impact on the life of an individual.

If the subject has made introduction in his subjective world (the term "projection" is also suitable) of some part of his personality into another person, then he feels a constant connection with him, his dependence. He is attached insofar as his feelings or part of his personality are firmly attached to another.

Freud said that as a result of fixation, part of the libido, but not part of the personality, is attached to the object or its image, as a result of which the object begins to have an emotional charge for this individual, this was called cathexis.

In his famous work Melancholy, Freud says that the work of grief is that libido is gradually taken away from the beloved but lost object.

But he did not point out that this fixation of the libido makes sense as an investment in the future. And this is very important! In fact, this is a new theory of love. The fixation does not happen because the object just liked it, the subject may like many people of the opposite sex and other objects. But there is no decisive choice, the subject does not place a "stake" on this particular person.

If he makes a "bet", it means that he firmly binds his fate, his happiness, his future with this person. He invests the energy of his hopes and dreams in the future, hoping for a long life together, hoping to receive many devidends, for example, counting on sexual happiness, having and raising children, having an interesting life together, the approval of society, etc.

No wonder the lovers ask each other: "Do you love me?", "Won't you stop loving me?" etc. They want to make sure of the "profitability" and reliability of their investments, and also that they will invest in them too. Moreover, I have become convinced in therapeutic practice that investment controls sex drive, and not vice versa. Investments disappear - attraction also disappears.

Example 2. "Bouquet of flowers"

A young man approached me. “I can’t,” he says, “forget my first wife. She left me three years ago. She married a foreigner, left the country, gave birth to a child.

Then he coped, recently got married, but I can't love my second wife like the first one, everything seems to me first. I'm even ashamed of my second wife, but I can't help myself."

- This means that you are still dependent on your first wife. You haven't let her go yet.

- No, I have already suffered from mine. I have already gone through everything in two years.

- And we can easily check this.

- How's that?

- But imagine that your first wife is sitting on a chair here. What do you feel?

- Never mind. I do not care.

- Then you can easily tell her: Farewell, I wish you happiness in your personal life!

- No, for some reason I can't say these words.

- Well, this means that you are addicted.

I explained to him the theory of investment and asked him to find an image of those feelings that he put into his first wife, and which are still given to her. He said it was a beautiful bouquet of flowers.

- Are these your flowers?

- Yes, these are my wonderful feelings that I gave her.

- Take them away and let them enter your body wherever they want.

- This bouquet entered my chest, I felt so good. The energy returned. It is somehow easier to breathe, and the hands rise by themselves. I could not raise my hands after she left.

- Now look at this woman again (pointing to a chair).

- Strange, now it's just a woman, of whom there are millions.

- Can you tell her now: "Farewell, I wish you happiness in your personal life."

- Yes, now it's easy.

- Then tell me and see what happens to the image.

- I speak and see how her image is removed and reduced. Has completely disappeared, and it became even better.

- Now look at the second wife.

- Yes, now it's different.

- You can give her a bouquet then. However, as you wish.

- No, why …

He was clearly in a hurry, and after a short goodbye he went home.

The return of the invested "capitals" back (into the body of the subject), when the destruction of relations has occurred, frees the subject and makes the beloved object neutral, just like all other people. Neither Freud nor other well-known psychoanalysts and therapists describe methods that would be specifically focused on the return of feelings or parts of the personality lost by the subject, otherwise everyone would have known about this for a long time.

It is quite clear why such methods were not created. For this, only the technology of emotional-figurative therapy is suitable, since it allows you to present the invested feelings in the form of an image and, through the return of this image to your own body, return the lost resources. It is almost impossible to get feelings back on the basis of only verbal techniques.

Moreover, for most psychotherapists, the idea itself is not yet available due to the fact that the method in which feelings can be moved as an object, can be identified with them, take them into your body or let go, contradicts their traditional ideas. Let us explain with one more example how this idea works in the framework of EOT.

Example 3. Golden com

A young man came to me to find out his relationship with the girl. Their love began at the age of 15, it was strong and sincere. Even then, they entered into sexual relations and were happy with each other. But the years passed, and it would be time to get married, but he was a poor student and could not provide for his family.

Then she was offended and, having abruptly broken with her beloved, married a rich man. She gave birth to a child, but was not happy, she regretted her choice and soon began to seek to restore relations with her former lover. She divorced her husband, but still her main aspirations were money and career.

The young man no longer wanted reconciliation with her, but he could not free himself from the old feeling, could not resist her insistence, although he no longer trusted her love. Now he could already support his family, but did not want to connect his life with his ex-girlfriend. At first I thought that he was just talking hurt, pride. Maybe you should help him forgive his unfaithful lover and reunite with her?

But he was firm in his intention to free himself from this emotional dependence. He was convinced of the girl's low morality and believed that she was manipulating him. He could not understand in any way how she could earlier neglect his wonderful feelings, cause him such pain.

He himself would never have taken the initiative in restoring relations. The first session was used to clarify all the circumstances of the case and to make a final decision on what should be done.

At the beginning of the second meeting, the young man again confirmed that he had no intention of rebuilding the relationship, but needed help so that he would no longer be drawn to her, so that he would free himself from this addiction and suffering.

Following the theoretical notion that emotional dependence rests only on those psychological "capitals" that the given subject "invested" in a loved one, I suggested that the client create an image of these feelings in front of him.

After thinking, the young man said that these feelings are like a huge golden ball, from which a thread sticks out, connecting it with the balloon above. We determined that this ball symbolizes the girl to whom he handed his feelings, hoping to hold her with these feelings.

After that, I invited the client to absorb this lump, that is, my feelings, again into himself, as his energy. At first he did not understand how this could be done. I suggested that he invite them back into his body, but he did not succeed. Suddenly he found a solution himself:

- I must enter this lump myself! Because he's bigger than me.

- Well, do it.

In his imagination, he entered this lump and felt that previously lost feelings clothed him from all sides, like a golden shining aura, they filled his entire body inside, and the ball flew off and hovered somewhere to the side.

- These feelings even protect me, I feel strength and independence. Now these feelings belong to me, and I can freely dispose of them, I can direct them to someone else. And how could she neglect such beautiful feelings?

- How do you feel about this girl now?

- You know, now I really don't care. I don't even want to drive a Mercedes in front of her to take revenge. I am really free.

- We should meet again to make sure that the result is really sustainable. Maybe some work will be needed.

- No, I'm absolutely sure. If necessary, I will call you again.

He walked out from me with a very confident and strong gait, he did not call again.

A comment. This case, like the previous one and many others, shows that the subject can, with the help of conscious actions in relation to the image of his feelings, really return them to himself, and thereby gain liberation from emotional dependence.

Traditionally, psychotherapists believe that with a partner with whom the relationship is broken, one should mentally (and / or really) say goodbye and let him go. However, it is not so easy to say goodbye, because the heart, soul and feelings still remain with the one to whom they were presented, with whom they are connected.

Before letting go, you need to return your "investment", otherwise nothing will work. Sometimes this itself happens in some spontaneous way, but for the most part, the problem of emotional dependence remains extremely difficult to solve, apparently due to a lack of understanding of the importance of this aspect and the lack of appropriate technologies.

Often psychotherapists suggest mentally tearing or cutting the connecting thread, mentally banishing the ex-spouse, etc. These mechanical methods sometimes give liberation, but since it is not threads that bind people, but feelings, most of the solution does not occur, or this solution is partial and unstable.

The return of feelings and parts of the personality with the help of a visually presented image of these feelings or parts of the personality does not cause resistance, since the individual does not lose anything. There is also nothing morally reprehensible in this action, because it does not harm the object of love and does not drive it away, does not abandon it. However, after that it is quite possible to let go of the object, which is no longer endowed with an irresistible attraction.

However, the subject may have additional motives for not doing what the therapist prompts him to do, and this creates new difficulties and features of the work. The therapist needs to learn to overcome or bypass the client's resistance on the path of his release.

Example 4. "A fearful dove"

The girl could not forget the young man who left her two years ago. Every evening she imagined that he was next to her, and it was painful. Of course, I asked her about the reasons for the breakup, and about the desirability and possibility of reconciliation. Everything said that it was necessary to finally say goodbye and let go of the former lover.

I immediately invited her to present that part of her personality or those feelings that she "invested" in her beloved, and which she lost with his departure. She immediately replied that it was a dove.

I explained that the dove usually symbolizes the soul, and asked if she was ready to return this dove, to accept it back as part of her personality? She confirmed that the pigeon, which she clearly imagined, is indeed part of her personality, but for some reason he is afraid to go to her.

- Why not?

- Because I clip his wings.

- Why are you doing this?

- Well, of course, so that he doesn't fly away.

This is the first difficulty. It was necessary to explain to the girl that the soul cannot fly away from itself, that it will still belong to her. And also the fact that the more you hold someone in captivity, the more he breaks out.

All this was explained, but since the criterion of truth is experience, I suggested to her, for the sake of experiment, to explain to the pigeon that the girl would no longer clip its wings. This statement had an effect, the dove already wanted to return to the girl, but was still afraid. None of the assurances from the girl to which I pushed her helped. This is the second difficulty.

Carefully observing the words and intonations of the client, I suddenly realized that in fact, it was she herself who was afraid of the pigeon. She was afraid of his freedom, afraid that he might again lead her feelings with him. The same fear made her clipping the wings of the pigeon, so this is a new and at the same time old difficulty, but a new approach is needed.

Then I suggested that the girl, paradoxically, declare to the pigeon that she herself would no longer be afraid of him. The girl was surprised because she was convinced that the pigeon was afraid of her. Without explaining, I insisted that this is a paradoxical technique and should be tried.

She obeyed, and the dove immediately flew into her chest. The girl breathed much deeper and more freely, her eyes lit up, she felt better, and all her fears disappeared.

Now that she introduced her former friend, she felt completely free of him. Now she could easily say goodbye to him and absolutely confidently confirmed that she no longer suffers and does not experience addiction. A week later, she once again confirmed the positivity and stability of this result.

A comment. In this example, we examined two more possible difficulties that can be encountered when returning invested feelings:

1. The individual commits some violence over the invested part of the personality (i.e., over himself), as a result of which she loses confidence in him (herself);

2. The individual is afraid of the return of a part of the personality, fearing that it will let him down or control him, etc. There is an internal splitting and fear of unsuccessful control over oneself.

From this and other cases, we can conclude that the subject of emotional dependence sometimes experiences a feeling of insecurity in himself, does not value himself, does not trust his feelings or abilities. He sometimes resists freeing himself from the addiction he complains about, because he fears that he will make new mistakes in freedom or that he will not be needed by anyone, he will not find anyone, etc.

The method can be applied to a number of other problems, with small modifications of the technique, we call this the extension of the area of application of the method, or, more simply, the extension of the method.

Extension of the method 1. Emotional addiction and psychosomatics

Emotional addiction can give rise to psychosomatic symptoms, which the individual regards not as a consequence of addiction, but as a somatic malaise, with which he sometimes seeks medical help, but the latter does not give any results. Here are two examples to show how this can happen.

Example 5. "Spider on the back"

At one of the seminars, I invited the students to show their work. The student asked to solve her psychosomatic problem. She experienced constant and severe back pain, this prevented her from sleeping normally, her back hurt in any position. She sought help from doctors, but they could not help her.

I invited her to imagine an image of this pain. She saw the pain as a huge spider sitting on her back. Since the spider usually symbolizes a man, I have suggested that she has some kind of serious problem in her relationship with a man.

It turned out that her friend is a drug addict, and she is still trying to save him from this addiction, but she cannot do anything. Tries to break off relations with him, but also cannot get rid of him. We tried different tricks to rid her of the presence of the spider on her back, but nothing worked to relieve her of this emotional addiction.

She understood that she still would not be able to save him, that she sacrificed her health and destiny, but for some reason "could not" let him go. Then I asked her to answer on behalf of the spider to the question: "Does he need to be rescued and dragged on his back somewhere, where, perhaps, he is not going?"

Responsible for him, the girl realized that he really did not need it at all and therefore he resisted. Immediately she was able to let go of the spider, he disappeared, and the pain in her back disappeared at the same moment. On the same evening, she broke off all relations with the drug addict.

After a while, she met another man, got married, gave birth to a child, and lives happily. Since then, her back has never (at least for the next 4 years) hurt. She told this story to me 4 years after the session, which I even forgot about.

A comment. It is clear that the student could not break off the relationship out of a falsely understood sense of duty to this young man, she hoped for some miracle and was afraid to be responsible for his further fall. Therefore, she did not sincerely apply the techniques that were offered to her initially.

After answering the proposed question on behalf of the "spider", she realized that he did not need to be saved, and his further fall was predetermined by his own desire, she was not responsible for this. She realized that she was dragging him on her back against his will.

Such an immediate awareness, which could not be achieved by any of the arguments of the therapist, allowed her to let go of this person, to stop feeling debt to him and strain her back to save him. Therefore, the back passed immediately and did not hurt anymore, but she was able to really part with this person, get rid of emotional dependence, really give up a false sense of duty.

On the one hand, this is a case of psychosomatic illness, on the other, a case of emotional dependence based on a sense of duty. But it is important to understand that the realization of the meaninglessness of her "feat" led to disappointment, respectively, the girl immediately took her investment, one might say, automatically.

Example 6. "25 years of heart pain"

A 70-year-old woman suffered from chronic heart pain, she had to stop from time to time on the way to rest. From time to time she felt so bad from a heart spasm that she feared for her life.

These phenomena began to happen to her 25 years ago, after the death of her beloved man, whose unofficial wife she was, there were no more men in her life. His death was a heavy blow for her, but she believed that she was already able to survive this grief and fully recovered.

I invited her to imagine an image of the heartache she was experiencing. The image of pain was like a blade, even a bayonet. She was very surprised when I suggested that her heart trouble was related to that old psychological trauma.

- It can't be, 25 years have passed. Then, of course, I was very worried, but I calmed down a long time ago.

“Well, then it will be very easy for you to let go of this blade.

- Yes, I let him go, but he does not leave.

- Well, try again.

- All the same, he does not disappear anywhere.

- So you gave him something very valuable for you once and haven't returned it until now. Can you imagine what it looks like?

“This is my wounded bloody heart.

- Is this really your heart?

- Yes, of course, mine!

- Do you agree to return it to your body so that it will be in place?

- Yes, but he has such a wound, I am afraid that it will make me feel bad.

- No, when you take it, then only then can you cure it. To do this, just tell him that you allow him to heal, you will no longer hurt him.

- Yes, it has come into place and is gradually healing.

- Tell me when it heals completely.

- Yes, it has already healed. It became somehow easier for me.

“Now look at the blade again.

- And he is no more! He himself disappeared.

Then the session was gradually completed. After she reported that her heart pains no longer recurred, and she no longer needed to stop to rest on the way to the bus.

A comment. It follows from this case that emotional dependence can persist for many years, although the individual may not even be aware of it. Moreover, he is unaware that his physical ailment is a consequence of this addiction.

Extension 2. Emotional Addiction and Confluence

Many cases of addiction are determined by early merging with the mother, but not only with the mother, although in practice this is the most common case. This happens most often with girls. An adult is still a small child, feeling with the senses of another person, not knowing how to feel like a separate being and how to stand on their own two feet.

The trouble is that he does not even know how to feel differently, he has never had the experience of independence, and he is afraid of such a state or considers it to be some kind of immoral, betrayal of his mother.

At the same time, he can suffer from the fact that he always makes decisions and builds his personal life in accordance with the opinion of the mother, painfully experiences any of her whims or illness, is in despair at the thought of her death, always feels guilty before her, etc..d.

It is very difficult to get rid of such an addiction, and in my practice I have repeatedly encountered these difficult cases. Standard verbal therapy is usually very long-term, but the already described Emotional Image Therapy technique is very promising.

Example 7. "Merging with Mom"

A woman of about 35 years old with a child of her own made the following request at the workshop. Her whole life was permeated with a sense of her insignificance and dependence in her feelings and decisions from her mother.

The mother's needs and opinions were more important than her own, the slightest illness of the mother caused tragic experiences, and the thought that mother would die gave rise to the idea that after that it was impossible to live. Mom lived separately, but, nevertheless, her influence on her daughter remained unconditional and inadequate. She felt that something in their relationship was wrong, but did not understand what was wrong.

The main line of work was aimed at helping the woman to realize what part of her personality she once entrusted to her mother in childhood and why? It turned out that it was her little childish heart and, despite the confidence that this heart was hers, she experienced great difficulties in order to return it to herself.

Finally, she returned this heart to her body, and immediately her train of thought changed. She suddenly realized that her mother, it turns out, is a separate person from her, her mother has her own personal history, which included her first husband and other circumstances, that her mother has her own character and her own delusions. But most of all, she was struck by the immediate sense of her separateness and independence.

As she mastered this new subjective reality that was revealed to her, the small heart in her chest grew and gradually turned into an adult large and full-fledged heart, which she was psychologically deprived of. Now she realized that she could feel for herself and make decisions according to her needs, it was new and wonderful.

A comment. Thus, the method of return on investment can be effective in the case of confluence.

In the case of a merge, other techniques can and can be applied successfully. Quite often there are cases when the client is psychologically inside the mother's womb (this is expressed in the form of an egg, bag, vat or cave, inside which he is located), he refuses to be born.

Here you can go in different ways, for example, you can imitate your birth in your imagination (however, traditional methods of symbol drama, psychodrama and body therapy are also suitable), but in our practice we have developed a paradoxical approach that allows us to solve this problem in a number of cases unexpectedly simple.

We inform the client that it is he who is holding the mother's womb, with which he naturally agrees. After that, we invite him to let go of the womb, referring to its image with the appropriate words. If this is not enough, then the previous method of returning embedded feelings is added to this procedure.

Example 8. "Letting go of the mother's womb"

At the seminar, I suggested that the group members perform a mental exercise, enter the circle of "Health", the reactions were different, but mostly positive. However, one participant, a young girl, said that for some reason she saw herself in some kind of vat, in a motionless anemic state, tried to get out, eventually saw herself in the sea, but was also in an anemic state.

I said to this that, most likely, she had a difficult birth, or there is an emotional dependence on her mother. To which she replied that both are true. "You should let Mom and her womb go," I advised, "because only you are holding them, not they are you. But that will take a lot of work. We will deal with that later if you want."

Then I moved on to discussing the impressions of the other members of the group. A few minutes later, the girl jumped up and began to walk in excitement back and forth within the circle of the group. Naturally, I asked what was happening to her and if she would like to discuss her problem? She replied that she had already followed my advice and that she would do everything herself further.

I continued to work with the group, and the girl sometimes walked in circles, then stopped and cried. Gradually she calmed down and sat down in her place. At the next seminar, a couple of months later, she confirmed that she had really solved her problem, that her dependence on her mother and her womb had disappeared.

A comment. This case illustrates another dependency release technique where the client releases the object that it thinks is holding it. For example, an individual sometimes claims that he is “in prison” and cannot get rid of it, no matter how hard he tries. Then he is invited to release his prison!

The prison collapses and the client is released. Then he realizes that he created his own prison. But when he lets go of the womb or prison, it means that he stops investing in this object and automatically returns them to himself.

This technique should sometimes be combined with the previous one. First, return the lost parts of the personality, and then let go of the object of your addiction. If you manage to let go (not to drive away the violence is unacceptable), then this will be the criterion for the success of the work on the return on investment. If you can only forcibly break the connection, then this means that it is not actually broken.

Extension 3. Working with fixation on the past and hopes for the future

A tiger chased the man. He ran away from it and fell into the abyss, caught on some root sticking out of the mountainside, and hung on it. Looking down, he saw another tiger waiting for him below.

Then a small mouse ran out of the mink, next to the root, and began to gnaw at the root. When there was very little left for the root to break off, the man suddenly saw a small strawberry growing on the slope right in front of his face. He ripped it off and ate it.

This is where the parable ends and usually no interpretation is given and people understand it very crookedly, for example, as evidence that our life is continuous suffering, there are only small joys.

However, its meaning is directly opposite to this gloomy outlook on life, and it is very easy to understand this, the first tiger is the past, from which a person runs away in horror, the second tiger is the future, which a person always fears. The root is the root of life, and the little mouse is the unforgiving time. But the little strawberry is a moment of the present, and when a person ate it, he got to the present moment and gained enlightenment.

Because in the present there is neither past nor future, which means there are no fears and suffering, there is only a beautiful present that can last forever. Therefore, in order to get rid of suffering, one should often simply return from the past or the future.

Example 9. "Return from the past"

The young man, who was a successful businessman, made a lot of money, but his company did its job and was disbanded. He did not find himself in the present, did not feel the meaning of life, although he had a family and so much money that he could no longer work.

It turned out that he was only thinking about how good it was when he was running a successful company. He met with old friends, and they only talked about how good it was then.

I told him that he was apparently stuck in the past and asked what he left there. "Yes, I'm all there." he exclaimed. I invited him to see himself in the past and return this himself here, to the present. "But he doesn't want to. He feels so good there. He sits in a big office, signs important papers, does good deeds. He doesn't want to come back to me."

“Explain to him,” I say, “that he is clinging to the illusion that this is already nothing. He lives in an illusory world, deceives himself, but you can really live here.”

"Oh, as soon as I told him, he ran straight to me. He entered my body. I somehow felt good. Why do I smile? You know, I just never smile like that." This went on and on, he came again to check and made sure that the effect did not disappear, that now he had found the meaning of life.

A comment. In reality, the work lasted much longer and had some subtle nuances, but the essence remains the same. We can return not only investments, but literally ourselves.

In the same way, the issue is solved when investing in the future, which are called dreams, expectations and hopes. The client is invited to bring them back to himself to use their energy in today's activities or to improve their well-being, which immediately happens.

Extension 4. Dealing with anger as a reaction to disappointed expectations (frustration)

Anger often arises when someone does not fulfill their obligations to us, fails, deceives, "substitutes". If this is one case, then this does not create a psychological problem, the anger gradually passes and we either forgive the offender or decide that we will never deal with him again. It is worse when constant anger is formed due to the fact that we keep hoping in someone, we believe that he is obliged to fulfill his promises or live up to our expectations.

Very often you hear: "Well, he must understand himself?" In doing so, the client usually counts on the support and solidarity of the therapist. But if the consultant takes the side of the "victim" and the "deceived", this will not solve the problem. He will still boil with indignation and suffer from a feeling of helplessness, realizing that he (she) cannot achieve justice in any way.

If the client does not expect anything from his partner, does not hope to receive any "dividends" from him, then he will not be angry. Therefore, this is often the only and environmentally correct way out - to stop hoping and relying on someone else. But then the client will feel a sense of some kind of damage, which is difficult to come to terms with.

After all, he put some serious hopes in some project, he, one might say, invested feelings in this relationship. Therefore, the main trick for getting rid of anger in such cases is to return to yourself the investments made once and your own expectations.

Example 10. "Anger at an unreliable husband."

The woman was seething with anger at her ex-husband. It was not that he left her and lived with another girl, not even that he rarely talked to the child and did not give money. He never kept his promises, always "substituted" her in some difficult situations, and she, for her part, always tried very hard to maintain the relationship and trusted him. This anger tormented her very much, she could not cope with it, although she understood that he was useless, and really wanted to get rid of it.

To begin with, I asked her to imagine her anger in the chair in front of her. It was the image of a creepy black, shaggy monster who was ready to literally tear her ex-husband apart for the way he treated her.

I explained to the woman that she was angry precisely because she had once made a serious investment in her husband, hoping for his appropriate behavior, reliability and compliance with agreements. But because he didn’t live up to her expectations and “didn’t pay her dividends” according to her contribution, she was so angry with him.

I suggested that she find an image of the investments that she made in her husband, in her relationship with him. She easily discovered the image of her feelings. It was a warm, pleasant day, a winding stream that ran through a beautiful meadow. She gave all this once to her husband, but did not receive the appropriate return from him.

I suggested that she take this image, along with the feelings expressed in it, back to herself. She accepted this image, feelings entered back into her chest, where she felt some kind of wonderful warmth. She immediately felt better and was already grateful for the return of these resources. But I invited her to look again at the image of her own anger.

She was amazed. "He shrank, he calmed down - she made circular movements with her hands, - he turned into a yellow ball." I invited her to sit on a chair where the image of her former anger was placed.

It turned out that in the role of this ball she was not at all angry, but gave herself a lot of strength and energy for the cause, it became easier for her to breathe. This state made her very happy, and she agreed to continue living like this. The ball was clearly in her solar plexus, like the sun.

Then I explained to her that the solar plexus gives energy to the entire body, but when a person accumulates a lot of anger, it remains in the solar plexus, and the function of breathing becomes difficult due to diaphragm spasm.

Once she got her investment and hopes back, she doesn't need to be angry with him and the monster is gone. The solar plexus returned to normal and she received a lot of energy for her life.

She accepted both the returned "capital" and this ball, after which she felt that there was a lot of warmth and very pleasant sensations in her body, and that she was not at all angry with her ex-husband. She introduced him to another chair and was able to easily say: "Goodbye, I wish you happiness in your personal life."

A comment. That's right, if you get others to fulfill their obligations, but if it is still useless, and you suffer from anger and feelings of helplessness, then it is better to take your investment and stop expecting changes from these people. It is very difficult to re-educate yourself, and to change others is almost unrealistic.

At the seminar where I shared these ideas, the two participants had the same insight: "I understood why I lived peacefully with my husband for 24 years and never divorced. I never expected anything from him. And he even exceeded my expectations."

Extension 5. Bringing back the hopes someone had put into a client

This is an extension of the method of return on investment to completely "mystical" cases.

Example 11. Phantom of love

At the seminar, a student asked for help. She broke up with a young man three years ago, but since then she constantly feels that he seems to be present in her life, at times she even feels that as if a foreign body is lying on her body, she really feels heaviness and stiffness in movements. She just can't get rid of it.

At first I decided that in fact he was still dear to her, and she did not really let him go. I asked her if she had left any parts of her personality in it. But she resolutely rejected it, she said that she had left him, she did not regret a bit that she had a different boyfriend for a long time. Her intonation left no room for suspicion of insincerity. Then I guessed and asked:

- And he was not against the break?

- He was very opposed. He didn't want to let me go.

- So maybe it was he who left some of his parts or energy in you? When people fall in love, they invest in another with their hopes for a long life together and love. Come tell him now: "I am giving you back all your hopes that you put in me."

I have not finished yet, and the face of this girl has already shone with light and joy. With enthusiasm, she said that immediately, along with this phrase, some kind of heaviness separated from her and went away, she feels free and now breathes easier.

Two weeks later, at the same seminar, she confirmed that she no longer feels heaviness on her body, nothing holds her anymore, and she feels lightness in her body and is very grateful for this result. This and the previous case teaches that:

1. Another person can pursue us "astral" if we owed him something, took his hopes, but did not fulfill them;

2. If these hopes are restored to him, he will no longer be able to pursue us;

3. That we can not only take our investments that we made in another person, but also return him to his expectations, his feelings, if we no longer want to deal with him. That this allows you to get rid of obsessive harassment and aggression from someone, which provides new opportunities for expanding work;

4. If you put your expectations in someone, then you are disappointed and angry if he did not meet your expectations;

5. Take away your unjustified hopes and stop getting angry.

Expansion 6. Dealing with grief and loss

In the case of loss of grief and loss, the same thing happens as in case of emotional dependence, that is, our investments "float away" somewhere from us together with a deceased person dear to us or with any other loss. This is completely understandable, because we treasured this person or even an object, we wanted to possess him further, we associated something with him in our future. We lose our hopes and dreams, parts of the soul that are firmly attached to a beloved and dear object.

Therefore, even here, no matter how cynical or wrong it may seem, it is necessary to return the invested capital, and then we can regain peace of mind and say goodbye to what we are still unable to return. This technique is very effective in the event of the death of a loved one, and in the loss of an unborn child, loss of home, loss of finances, loss of a career, even a part of the body in the event of an operation, etc.

F. Perls developed a 5-step model of farewell in the event of the death of a loved one. It includes the following steps:

1. Recognition of facts;

2. Completion of unfinished business;

3. Farewell ceremony;

4. Mourning;

5. Greetings for the present day.

This model can be applied in all cases of loss or separation, as well as in cases of emotional dependence. However, it lacks the very moment that we have already mentioned: the return of lost feelings or parts of your personality. Therefore, it is more laborious and time-consuming, does not give complete confidence in the completion of the process.

This can be done with a targeted procedure that we have developed, and thus the work of grief will be greatly facilitated and accelerated. But we are not replacing this technique, but using it in combination with a return on investment. Practice confirms the effectiveness of such work.

Example 12. "Ball of soft wool"

An elderly woman of 63 years old, whose husband died a year ago, came to my consultation. She loved her husband very much, lived in perfect harmony, 30 years together, there were no children. She suffered from insomnia, constant pressure in the chest area that prevented her from breathing, depressed mood, frequent tears, etc.

For six months she was treated by doctors, from the medications she was taking it only got worse. The doctors did not find any physiological disturbances in the work of her body.

In the first session, I found out that she admits the fact of her husband's death and has no feelings of guilt in front of him or unfinished business, that she has no suicidal desires. In doing so, I noticed that the eye area and forehead are tense and darkness around the eyes.

It turned out that during the funeral, friends kept holding her back, urging her not to cry, because this would disturb the deceased. I realized that she had a lot of suppressed tears, and that is why they are shed from time to time for any reason.

I understood from her restraint that she would not cry in front of me, and I suggested that she just imagine the rain falling in front of her and look at it until it ends itself. She agreed and saw that a fine drizzle was falling over his grave. She watched this picture for a while, until the rain ended.

The image of the blue sky, sun and green forest appeared, she took this picture as a new day. The area around the eyes brightened. This was enough for the first session, when she came the second time, she said that at work everyone is surprised where she was, that she no longer cries. “Otherwise,” he says, “they will ask me any question, but my tears keep flowing.”

This technique, "looking at the rain" followed by the adoption of a sunny day, was invented as part of emotional-imagery therapy specifically for those cases when it is necessary to help a person release blocked tears. It is often used in a situation where you have to say goodbye to loss.

However, she still had a more acute symptom - pressure and pain in the chest area, which interfered with her constantly. I invited her to imagine an image of this pain. She said it was a dark lump.

It is clear that this lump is an image of a spasm, with the help of which she tried to hold on to her already deceased husband or important memories of him. I asked what was inside the lump. "A ball of soft, very warm and pleasant lilac wool" was the answer.

I realized that this tangle symbolized the warm feelings that she had accumulated for her husband over the years. "What would you like to do with him?" I asked. “Unwind,” she replied. I agreed with her proposal, and the thread of the ball gradually began to go somewhere in space.

After a while, she realized where the thread was going. She said that the corner at her husband's grave had opened, and the thread was going there. Gradually the ball was unwound, and the whole thread went into the grave, then the corner of the grave closed by itself. At the same moment, the client experienced very strong psychosomatic changes: the lump completely disappeared, along with it the pressure in her chest disappeared and, as she said, even her eyes brightened.

After that, she was able to breathe easily and felt that everything that had pressed on her for a long time had completely disappeared. She thanked several times for this result, although she kept asking if I did it all. Apparently she decided it was hypnosis or magic. This concludes our work.

A comment. Analyzing this case, it should be pointed out that the stages of acknowledging the facts, completing unfinished business and the farewell ceremony were already passed by her in the process of mourning. It was only necessary to make mourning and finally let go of what was perceived as the most valuable in this relationship, which was done. In this case, there was no need to return something that went away with her husband, but it was necessary to let go of the tangle of warm feelings that she was holding, which created a spasm in her chest.

Expansion 7. Dealing with incestuous feelings

This problem seems insoluble to many psychologists. Even Z. Freud did not indicate any method of getting rid of the incestuous attraction of a son to a mother or a daughter to a father (Oedipus complex, Electra complex), except for the same awareness. However, realizing your forbidden desires helps, but does not heal.

This is truly a stumbling block for classical psychoanalysis. In fact, getting rid of such feelings is possible precisely with the help of the return on investment method. Because these feelings and relationships are subject to the same laws as any other emotional addiction.

Example 13. "Crooked Scimitar"

Literally during the break between lectures, a student who had already studied in my master class turned to me with a request for help. Her father controlled her all the time, was clearly jealous, demanded a report: "where was", scandalized. Back in school, he forbade her to communicate with boys, and now he persecuted her with suspicions and prohibitions that did not correspond to her age.

“Yesterday he made another scandal,” she complained, “now I feel like I just can't breathe. In the morning I am suffocating, I myself can not figure it out, help. (I certainly understand that she is choking with anger).

- Think of what the image of your feelings looks like?

- For some reason I see that dad is handing me a big crooked shiny scimitar! (Commentary. She is surprised. However, from the point of view of psychoanalysis, everyone will understand what the image of a crooked scimitar means. We are talking about the father's incestuous attraction to his daughter and her fear of them. But her attraction too. It is known that the scandal between the father and my daughter often pursues the unconscious goal of avoiding incest, but, fearing to shock the girl with the interpretation, I did not tell her anything).

- Do you need this scimitar? (I see she hesitates)

- No, I don't need him.

- Then give it to dad, tell him you don't need it.

- No, I'm not sure it will help me. (She clearly resists and this resistance is perfectly understandable from the point of view of psychoanalysis).

- Let's do it for an experiment, if it's bad, we'll return everything back.

- Ouch! And when I gave it to my dad, for some reason he became small in his hands.(She is amazed, but I did not dare to explain to her that this is a symbolic disappearance of an erection).

- What do you feel now? How do you breathe?

- Indeed, I can breathe freely. It became easy for me.

- Does it suit you? Do you agree to keep this result?

- Yes. (She is stunned and does not understand what happened.) The only thing, I do not know, how am I going to write my angry poems now? (It turns out that she has already filled three notebooks with angry verses.)

A comment. Truly, "the darlings scold, only amuse themselves." At this we ended the session also because the change was over. But since then, this student no longer complained about her father's "tyranny".

Example 14. "Colors of feelings"

Another student discussed her troubled relationship with her father at a master class. Her father suffered from alcoholism, arranged hysterical scenes for the family: "I'll throw myself out of the window." But this was not the main thing, she was frightened and traumatized when he tried to put her on his lap.

She felt that it was not just that, it was already associated with sexual experiences. He admitted that he did not know how to cope with these feelings, that at one time she even closed the door to her bedroom with a closet so that dad could not enter her at night. I asked what her relationship with her father looked like in this context.

- I see it as if daddy stains me with his paints, and I stain him with my paints. (Commentary. Paints in the language of images mean feelings. So they exchange feelings.)

- I suggest that you return your daddy his paints and take yours from him. Do it now.

(The student meditates for 1-2 minutes)

- I took it. Now dad has become some kind of uniformly blue, and I am also uniformly blue. (Comment. Blue is the color of calmness).

- What do you feel now?

- Marvelous. Dad is now just a dad. There is no more fear.

The session was surprisingly short (details omitted, of course) but very effective. The result was stable, as shown by other lessons in the master class.

A comment. Thus, the method of return on investment can become an effective way to solve a classic psychoanalytic problem, which previously seemed practically insoluble. This is also important in the case of erotic transfer to the psychotherapist.

To conclude this review of the ROI method, which is the original technique of Emotional Imaging Therapy, I would like to say that it turned out to be suitable for solving a whole range of therapeutic tasks. He showed amazing efficiency and speed of impact.

When using it, many complex therapeutic tasks are solved within one or two sessions, the results are stable. Not all possibilities of this method have been revealed yet.