2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Recently, a 29-year-old client contacted me with a request to change jobs. By his age, he already had excellent knowledge of English, professional achievements, was in good standing with his superiors. But recently, he began to be haunted by the feeling that he was moving somewhere in the wrong direction. A keen sense of unfulfillment, irritability, depressed mood led to the desire to change careers. However, this readiness was side by side with complete ignorance of what exactly he wants, with fears of making the wrong decision. After independent attempts to find myself, passing a bunch of career guidance tests and talking with different people about new employment, the clarity did not come. So he ended up in my office.
Research results indicate that between the ages of 25 and 30, every second man experiences one of the first age-related crises. The story I gave is a classic example of what a man faces during this period. This incident prompted me to write this article.
30 years is a kind of milestone, a transition from youth to maturity. As a child, we all knew exactly who we were, where we were going, who we wanted to become, and what we needed to be happy. Over the years, under the pressure of circumstances, many are lost, no longer understand who they are and why they need what is happening to them in life. This is the time when a person becomes especially vulnerable.
At this age, a man experiences a reassessment of values, or rather, a complete collapse of some with subsequent replacement by others. Clouds of thoughts are crowding in my head: why do I live? what is all this for? What have I achieved? Have I reached my full potential or not? These questions, worthy of an ancient tragedy, are disturbing, haunted, and deprived of sleep.
A man is by nature a breadwinner and society places very high demands on him. Therefore, at the age of 30, a guy begins, willingly or unwittingly, to think about what trophies he has, what peaks he conquered, what victories he won, what, in fact, he achieved, how can he report to society and himself? And these reflections are not always pleasant.
It is then that the first thoughts of missed opportunities, bad choices and bad decisions can appear. Often, by the age of 30, the most important steps have already been taken, and it is not always possible to change something: get another education, change jobs, marry someone else. This can cause fear and panic: what if what I did before was fundamentally wrong, and I'm moving in the wrong direction, wasting time? These feelings are quite difficult to experience, so you would rather want to run away from them, to be distracted, than to accept and analyze.
This is the first snag. If a person lives his crisis passively, going into computer games, being distracted in some other way, but not solving the most important problem, the task of the transitional 30-year-old remains unsolved. The desired and necessary changes do not happen. In fact, this period is worth paying attention to, because the consequences can sometimes be very sad.
In general, the symptoms of a 30-year-old crisis in a man may be a bad mood for no apparent reason, isolation on himself, refusal to communicate, general physical weakness, problems with his wife, if she has one, quarrels and serious conflicts.
The consequence of the crisis may be a change in lifestyle. For example, leaving a beloved woman, dismissal from one job and moving to another, cardinal change of activity, relocation.
In fact, a man is motivated at the moment by nothing more than a desire to understand himself, to redefine his life priorities, to find answers to the question: "How to live further?"
Second important feature: a man on the threshold of his thirties begins to compare himself with his male peers, with classmates, peers. Fortunately, social networks provide all the possibilities for this. Comparison criteria: how does it compare to their background? What have they achieved and what have I achieved?
In our society, success is usually associated with professional or social activity. Therefore, a man begins to harshly evaluate himself, using generally accepted symbols: a car, his own apartment, a prestigious career, a good salary. That is, these are mainly financial and professional criteria. At such a moment, the facts that you can be successful in your private life are rarely taken into account. For example, to be a good father or to do something you love, though not highly paid. This is not so praised by society.
On the other hand, professional success, unfortunately, also does not provide guaranteed protection from the crisis, since a person's plans can be very, very ambitious. Let us recall the classic experiences of Julius Caesar, who lamented that at the age of 30 he had not achieved anything, while Alexander the Great conquered the whole world. That is, the whole point is with whom to compare yourself.
It is also important to note that in a crisis of thirty years, a man seeks reinforcement of his successful social status not so much from women as from mature men whom he respects. It is this kind of support that is necessary in order to feel oneself as such, also successful and also mature. Even the most brilliant success with women during this period of life will not be able to make up for the rejection among the significant figures for a man, and first of all, the paternal one.
The next important point - this is that at the age of 30 a man experiences the so-called first blow to male identity, when he feels that in something, somewhere it does not meet the expectations of society and parents. And the desire to correspond to traditional stereotypes during this period is great.
At the same moment, his success in his personal life is assessed: is he married or is he still single? Relatives can also "add fuel to the fire": "You are already 28, and you still have not married." Doubts about their male solvency begin to creep into the soul, the thought appears that it is possible to get married urgently.
Another important point. As with women of this age, men have added anxiety about their physical form. It is by 30 that someone already has a beer belly or the first health problems. His appearance is compared to his peers or classmates: how much does his physical form correspond to the ideals of masculinity, strength and attractiveness? You may suddenly have a desire to do fitness, sign up for a gym.
Sometimes a man never finds a way out of the crisis of his thirties. The feeling “something in life is not going at all as dreamed and wanted” remains inside. In this case, some men begin to outwardly imitate the behavior of the so-called "alpha males", trying to behave like "real men."
That is, in fact, a substitution takes place: instead of reinforcing their image of a man with real content (professional success, financial achievements, feeling like a support for children and wife), they begin to portray a man through the so-called negative identity. They begin to assert themselves, save their self-esteem, showing themselves despotically towards women. After all, a woman is the second source of confirmation of male identity after recognition from other men.
And the third problemthat a young man can feel during this period is powerlessness due to the fact that the world refuses to play by your rules. By the age of 30, one realizes that this is not so, that one often has to make compromises, even retreat on some issues. For example, for the sake of professional success or the well-being of your family.
All these circumstances lead a man to a difficult choice: what is it really worth to devote his life to? An understanding comes that he will not be able to pay due attention to all his interests, there will not be enough time and energy for everything, so you need to choose what he really will do and how he wants to live.
What to do during such a period? In the troubled time of the crisis of 30 years, it is best for a man to temporarily change his type of activity, to try himself in something that he has long dreamed of. But it is better to do this not in radical ways like dismissal from work, but by doing something during your free hours. Even if the work is completely unbearable, it is still better to set aside a month for yourself. And during this time, clearly decide everything, try to somehow change the working conditions, weigh the pros and cons.
Active rest in some unfamiliar places also helps to survive this period, where you can gain new impressions, change the usual background, as well as weigh your values, analyze your victories and achievements, reflect on mistakes.
In general, no matter how abstract it may sound, you should try to change something in yourself, start dreaming about something, set a goal for yourself, find value in simple, familiar things. And if after all the attempts to cope on your own it does not work out, then it is better, of course, to contact a specialist.
And here I would like to return to the very beginning of the article. Men in their 30s come to counseling mainly with a request for some kind of career change. This is actually a very important question, because if a woman can somehow assert herself, self-actualize in the role of wife and mother, then for a man it is the social environment that is very important, that is, implementation in the profession. Therefore, often during this period decisions are made to change careers. Usually it sounds something like this: “It became clear to me that I need to delve into one thing. I realized that in life I cannot realize all my interests. I don't want to rush. It is important for me to prioritize, understand where to move next. On the other hand, I am afraid to make the wrong choice again, to lose time”.
Where is the optimal way out of the troubled times of the crisis of the thirty-year-olds?
From customer experience, I can say that it lies at the intersection of two planes.
1) At the age of 30, it is really worth reconsidering your values, goals, priorities and life aspirations. It is time to understand that what has been imposed by society, parents, significant environment, is really worth it to continue. A serious reassessment of values should take place, as a result of which a person either leaves everything as it is, but voluntarily, or finds new ideals.
2) It is important to be very clear about your occupation and the way of life that you plan to lead further. And this search should be active, not passive.
It is very cool to work during such a period and create a vision of future life, to pave some understandable path to your future goals. This is the period when it is useful to think strategically. A good, detailed, value-based vision is self-motivating, helps you understand your future prospects, sets direction, and helps you deal with uncertainty and anxiety. It's also great to create a personal development plan for 3-5 years based on your strengths and experience.
For self-support during this period, awareness techniques are also very useful, allowing you to better feel yourself, your body, and what is happening in life. They perfectly balance the nervous system. Working with anger, an anger management technique that can often appear in response to feelings of powerlessness, is also helpful.
Summing up, I would like to say the following. 30 years is an era of change. This is the first serious review, a revision of my life, an attempt to assess what I have achieved over the past years. This is the time when, after a reassessment of values, new, inspiring landmarks are chosen. Therefore, it is more important than ever that during this period someone was there, supported, took your side, shared new hobbies, helped to change!
