2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Men grow up not when they show aggression, but when they learn to talk about fear, loss, joy and love
The world is fragile and unpredictable. Ideas of masculinity, which have remained unshakable for centuries, are changing - although the process is not smooth.
Cosmetics and shaving brand Gillette challenged toxic masculinity and old notions of what a man should be. Stereotypical “male” behaviors such as bullying at school, aggression among teenage boys, sexual harassment of colleagues, sexism promoted on TV and in meeting rooms - is this the best thing that men can do? After the release of the commercial for Gillette We Believe: The Best Men Can Be, thousands of men began to boycott their products.
The American Psychiatric Association has released new clinical counseling guidelines according to which masculinity characterized by dominance, aggression, and emotional repression can be detrimental to men's mental health. Conservative media collectively swoon, accusing radical feminists of attacking masculinity.
What is really going on? Are we witnessing a clash of ideologies, or is there a real problem of uncontrolled aggression behind the "masculine" behavior debate?
What is aggression?
Aggressive behavior can cause physical or emotional harm to others. This can be both verbal and physical abuse. It can also be related to personal property damage. Aggressive behavior violates social boundaries and can lead to a breakdown in relationships. It can be obvious or covert. Note that occasional outbursts of aggression are common and even normal under certain circumstances.
Aggression can be seen as a response to the defense of a certain value. If you were driving at 8 o'clock in the morning in a crowded subway car, you probably saw someone explode and shout: "Why are you lying on me!" This is the protection of your space.
Aggression can also be violent. In this case, violence is an extreme form of aggression. This form of aggression gives rise to appetitive behavior, that is, addiction to the pain of another.
Appetizing aggression is a form of aggressive behavior aimed not at defending against a threat, but at obtaining a certain pleasure from observing or committing violence. At the same time, violence is perceived as something exciting and attractive and becomes commonplace. At the biological level, appetite aggression is accompanied by a surge of adrenaline, as well as the release of cortisol and endorphins, hormones that perform many physiological functions, including pain relief and euphoria. A typical example is hunting, getting bloodthirsty pleasure from “killing”. Increased appetite aggression has been found to reinforce the cycle of violence, leading to a positive feedback loop: the person constantly seeks acts of violence in order to experience pleasure or satisfaction.
Real life example
As a psychotherapist, I work with different people and hear different stories. But I was struck by the incident that happened to my daughters, or rather, the reaction of their classmates to violence. When our girls moved to another school, the boys, as usual, began to molest them, and it got to the point that they were physically beaten. As parents, we decided to sort out the situation and met with the class teacher and the parents of the boy who showed aggression. In the process of communication, I learned that many girls endure for two years, that they are beaten by boys, and they beat them to bruises, but do not complain to adults. I asked, "Why don't the girls tell their parents anything?" To which the class teacher replied: "They are afraid that the boys will beat them even more." You see - we get used to aggressive behavior from the very childhood. And violence is becoming the norm for us.
Oftentimes, domestic violence is a continuation of the violence at school. Maybe that's why only 7% of women turn to the police for help?
Men are more likely to be violent
There is a difference in the predisposition to violence and the manifestation of aggression between males and females. The author of the book War and Gender, Professor Joshua Goldstein, emphasizes that at a basic biological level, men are genetically programmed to be violent. Wars are a biosocial product of men and a field for masculine manifestations. Crime and violence are closely related to masculinity. In almost every society, men are overwhelmingly involved in war, in all kinds of group aggression and intra-group murders.
Canadian psychologists Martin Daly and Margot Wilson analyzed data on tens of thousands of murders committed in 14 countries. The results of this cross-cultural study showed that men committed murders on average 26 times more often than women. And family murders (murders of family members) were committed mainly by men.
On the other hand, men also become victims of murder in 70% of cases. In some societies, this figure rises to over 90%.
What are the causes of aggression?
Many things can affect behavior. Among them:
- physical health
- mental health
- family structure
- relationships with others
- work or school environment
- social or socio-economic factors
- individual traits
- life experience
As an adult, you may be aggressive in response to negative experiences. For example, getting aggressive when you feel frustrated. Aggressive behavior can also be associated with depression, anxiety, PTSD, or other psychiatric disorders.
Aggression is control and power. If a person feels that they are afraid of him, then he is in control of the situation. This triggers the same cycle of violence: the release of cortisol and endorphins, which include pain relief and euphoria. Therefore, aggression is often based on pain. In men, this is the fear of losing authority, power, respect and the desire not to experience feelings and emotions, to be logical and analytical. To be like the hero of the series Force Majeure Harvey Specter, who said: "I am against experiencing emotions, not against using them." But, you know, then such men are covered, and they cannot understand why they suddenly became sentimental. They start crying and suddenly exhibit behaviors that lead to being abandoned by their loved ones.
What to do about aggressive behavior?
It is important to understand the reasons for your aggressive behavior.
- If you ask yourself such a question, then most likely you have no one to talk heart to heart and be with your dark side of the soul.
- You may find it helpful to talk to someone about events that make you feel aggressive. In some cases, you can learn to avoid unpleasant situations by changing your lifestyle or career. You can also develop strategies to deal with frustrating situations. For example, learning to communicate more openly and honestly without showing aggression.
- Seeing a therapist can help you better understand your behavior and your feelings. My experience with aggressive men shows that they often do not acknowledge the problem of aggression. While the partner points to her as the reason for the breakup.
Conclusion
Aggression helps men cope with shame and fear. They are the flip side of aggression. As much as the shame and fear inside each man grows in our culture, the aggression increases and more often. Shame and fear can be dealt with by developing assertive behavior, that is, behavior in which internal feelings and external actions are correlated.
Men do not grow up when they show aggression, anger and the desire to dominate. Men grow up when they learn to talk about fear, loss, joy and love, when they can sympathize, cry, achieve, love, live in harmony with themselves and their inner world. A man must be strong in order to admit his weaknesses. As Procter & Gamble President Gerry Coombie said, “Gillette believes in the best in men. By drawing each other's attention to inappropriate behavior, we help the next generation of men to change for the better.”
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