2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
A guy passing by speaks loudly on the phone:
“I don’t offend you!… I repeat to you, I don’t offend you… it’s you tearing me up!”
How often people cannot understand, accuse, offend where you can just stop and hear each other. This "trash-interaction" is often what can bring people together. Frequent disputes, clarification of disagreements, scandals for some reason people need … they also perform their useful function … Many do not succeed in another way, and even such a thought does not come to mind that it is possible in another way.
This conversation could have been more constructive if it sounded something like this …
- I hear that my words offend you, and I am very sorry, but I am saying what I want to tell you now. This is important to me! But you hear me too … what you do (how you act, say …) … it tears me apart.
It is in this place that can happen real meeting … When two people hear each other, and admit that they are hurting each other … maybe unintentionally, or deliberately want to prick. What for?
I believe that in fact people meet to get closer … In fact, you want intimacy and warmth.
To get closer, you really need to do the opposite - move a little and see the person opposite … what he is, what he wants, what he says, how he looks, how he breathes. The other will also have a chance to see.
Remember Schopenhauer's parable about porcupines that were freezing and tried to turn towards each other. But then they began to prick the neighbors and hurt them. They parted and froze again … until there was such a distance between them so as not to prick each other and share warmth.
It's very touching … and even sounds paradoxical. But if you imagine how you hug your partner tightly, and try to remember WHAT you see at this time … then most likely it will not be his eyes, face, and body … it will be what is behind him … but not HE (SHE).
Hugging is very pleasant and resourceful. They say that a person cannot live happily without eight hugs a day.
Successful relationships require dynamics … the ability of partners to come closer to exchange warmth and love, and move away to see and hear each other.
And also ability to speak … Talk about yourself, and not wait for the other to guess. Talk to yourself. If this is your first time coming to a therapy group or an appointment with a psychotherapist, then one of the first skills that you will be taught is "You are utterances" replace with "I-statements" … What for? This is one of the ways for you to be heard and wanted to continue the discussion with you. A conversation or argument will not be productive if attacks and accusations fly at the person.
Remember how you perceive such phrases, or how you would feel if you heard them addressed to you: "you, that you couldn't (la) stop by the store on the way … !?", "you are talking some nonsense!", “Well, you’re a fool!”, “You pay little attention to me” … What feelings arise? … I would like to "start" in response, and defend myself, speak in the same way in response …
And if your partner tried to say about himself how he feels at the moment in connection with the situation, and replace these phrases accordingly with "I-statements": “I’m very sorry (or I’m distant, or I’m angry) that you didn’t stop by the store on the way”, “I’m not very interested in what you are talking about (or I have a different opinion on this matter)”, “I I don’t like the way you act (you say that you propose …)”,“I really miss your attention”. Do other experiences arise?
Further, a productive conversation involves the partners to express what they want in connection with what they have heard … but this is a completely different story ….
- I really miss your attention.
- I can hear you, but you know that I work very hard.
- Yes, I know. But I still wanted us to spend more time together.
- Can we go to the cinema in the evening?
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