Stand Up For The Narcissist

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

I will immediately voice the main idea. Narcissism is not the problem of some bad people torturing good people. A common problem. “They don’t care, but we suffer” - this is a banner behind which lies the lack of understanding of their problems by the victims themselves.

The narcissist becomes unbearable under certain conditions. And the victim (target) of narcissism always becomes the narcissism of another (person close to him).

If it is hard for you with a narcissist, you have suffered from him and try to make sure that it is him, in order to refuse to communicate with him; if you want to really look at things and be saved, then, firstly, you are right that there is no point in enduring it. If you are dealing with an insensitive and hyper-vulnerable person who does not want to admit his responsibility for what is happening - that's right, it's dangerous to deceive yourself.

You are dealing with a person who by any means will save himself from the feeling of his own weakness - that is, from reality. And from reality, as you know, you do not need to be saved at all, it is worth realizing it and there will be nothing terrible. But this is impossible for a narcissist. The paradox is that there are difficulties for his victim in this too. That is why the victims are so eager to figure out what happened to them - and they are doing the right thing.

All victims of narcissists and abuser testify to the impossibility of facing the truth and agreeing with the real facts.

When stories about the intolerance of narcissists are heard, they contain both insensitivity and exaltation. Victims of convoluted personal stories, denouncing and condemning violence in relationships, resemble in their manifestations something very familiar, from their own stories. A machine hungry for war, revenge and understanding. They resemble an open wound that wants blood and peace.

I will repeat again. I agree that the personality of a narcissist is hard to bear, destructive, and escapes any real responsibility. But. If we switch our attention from the narcissist himself to the circumstances in which he manifests himself, we will have the same picture of insensitivity towards the narcissist.

It always remains, as it were, behind the scenes. It's a shame for narcissists and their victims, who would like to build communication with them; it is a shame that many circumstances remain unaccounted for and the chances of seeing a suffering person in the home despot are lost. The same narcissistic vulnerability of the victim is to blame for this. It is also almost impossible to tell the victim about it directly, she hears the accusation here and experiences anger and shame. The circle is complete.

In a relationship with a narcissist, we will be able to establish a number of circumstances of mutual insensitivity, mutual use and complete circular irresponsibility.

The narcissist becomes unbearable under certain conditions. In the same, about which the victim says that she did not create them. She tried, she pretended, she did not take part, she does not understand how it happened. The victim worked hard, tried to be good.

Often the victim therapist does the same until he realizes what is happening. But that's another story.

In other circumstances, the narcissist manifests itself differently - he is a business-like, interesting, somewhat mechanistic person, inclined to exaggerate or underestimate everything. Believes in ideals. Shy but trying to hide it. Confident that if you try, then happiness, order or success will come. A vulnerable person, but not very sympathetic. Ashamed to be bad. The person is active, but he must be alone on the stage. The person is deceiving, but not only you, but also himself. A person who suffers, but puts down those who seem weak to him. A person who finds it easier to end a relationship than to feel bad. A person who will feel a pea under a thousand featherbeds, and kissing a swineherd for a prize will not feel anything.

The label of narcissism as a vice makes it difficult to see narcissism as a need. The need for the ability of the other to understand the narcissist, and not pretend to understand, because I am better and smarter. The need is not for service, for service is always selfish. Not in education and in punishment - for this is the trauma of the narcissist. And in the banal interest and sympathy. And he is not interested in flattery, sarcasm and promises - for their narcissist does not perceive him well and sometimes there is no one to understand him even in this.

It's good if sympathy and interest are possible. But if not, you shouldn't lie about it. Especially myself. Narcissists become terrible when their ideals collapse. When they see that their success, image, money, feigned but still beautiful strength and intelligence are used. And they lie to them that they love. They do not need efforts in which there is no understanding. The narcissist needs the feeling that someone can get into his boat without rocking it even more. The swaying becomes ridiculous hostility, flattery, feigned sympathy, moralizing or demonstrative indifference. And the victim, hiding his narcissism, thinks that he is actively building "good relationships" and no one noticed her pretense and swallowed everything. When a tough response arrives, fair indignation also arrives. The circle is closed and there is no end to it.

Narcissistic stories are stories of a lack of commonplace average love. Lack of interest and warmth.

If you don't love a narcissist, go away. If you don't know how to love - figure out what it is. Do not lie to yourself that he is a good person, and you know how to win hearts. He will sense your deception with his spine and destroy you. And you will find yourself guilty and punished for lying.

The paradox is the lack of empathy and insincerity of those who stigmatize non-empathic and deceitful narcissists. Hostility towards hostile narcissists. How many feelings of self-righteousness awaken in front of the abuser - which resembles the absolute rightness of the narcissist himself. By blaming the narcissist for his misfortunes, the accuser thus regains his dignity. But the narcissist does just that - he offends and humiliates himself, supporting himself.

Everything mixes up. You hear about the vices of narcissists, but the narrator manifests himself in exactly the same way.

And I will return to the conditions again. The conditions of insecurity for self-esteem lead the narcissist to crush and torture those who fall to his hand. And he refuses to admit it. The narcissist creates the same unsafe conditions for others (people close to him). And he does not admit it either.

And the victim tells the part of the story in which she suffered for a long time from disrespect for her. But she does not notice the part of the story where she did not respect and used the narcissist for her own purposes. To use is not so bad as it is bad not to realize it.

And it turns out that the victims of narcissism themselves want to turn into irresponsible narcissists. A toxic feeling of inferiority, an eternal battle for who first started to bite - and the circle closes. You humiliated me, offended, betrayed - I hate you, I want to smear on the wall. It seems to me that this is precisely the setting situation for pathological narcissism. The main pattern.

What does a narcissist lack to be conventionally normal? - Responsibility for current circumstances. But the victim lacks the same. And both lack the recognition that "we are of the same blood."

And in the patient-therapist relationship, the same thing plays out if the therapist does not recognize this pattern.