2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Groups and communities with names that include the words “narcissist, psychopath, abuse, sociopath” have now become popular on Facebook. The lion's share of the participants are women. People join such groups to share life experiences of abuse and to gain support. Most of the complaints are directed at men. There are many touching stories of escape, when a woman, having gathered strength and courage, breaks out of a toxic relationship, begins to live and believe in herself. There are many stories about the impossibility of breaking free, and then everyone is vigorously supporting (as is self-support, of course).
And there are many requests to confirm the pathology of his rapist, who is nearby, who has to endure and suffer because of him, and therefore constantly need support, again and again convincing with the help of the group what an egoist, narcissist and psychopath he is.
These last types of posts - where the main idea: “confirm that he is a bastard, and I am an innocent victim” cause storms of emotions in me! Actually, due to my personal characteristics and my professional failures as a result.
Acquaintance with the content of two such groups in FB made a huge impression on me as a woman with a wide variety of experience in relationships (both terrible and painful and happy) and as a psychologist - a huge impression, I wanted to write about this impression.
The impression is contradictory, addictive. Feelings of rage and despair. Well, of course, so is the impression of a narcissistic personality. In particular, the groups personally help me a lot to overcome the urge to act out my own rage and apathy.
On the one hand, for many participants, such groups are a stimulant of whining and additional feeding of their narcissistic pathology. Such an additional psychic refuge, where any development becomes even more impossible, and the energy goes in a vicious circle.
On the other hand, such groups can become an inoculation (vaccine) against their own falling into narcissistic traps. In a group, it seems to me, it is possible to "heal" (this is my fantasy, but in principle it happens): when you see someone else's horror, you begin to notice your own more vividly and repeat it is already disgusting.
There is so much boring and stupid nyatya, from which it is so disgusting that you immediately want to lose it all in your personal life
It is very characteristic that to point out to victims of violence their role and even ask the question "Why do you put up with this?" - prohibited by the group rules. What is directly diagnostic: no personal responsibility, according to the law!
The group rules call it “condemnation of the victim,” who a priori cannot be guilty of anything. Let me emphasize that violence in these cases is: harassment, dependency, prohibitions, threats, assault and unwanted sex. That is, we are talking about violence in bilaterally approved once relationships, violence against adult women who are obviously not in slavery (they have the Internet to use - which is for sure). But it is forbidden to emphasize the role of women, at least in the patience of such treatment.
In this regard, it is difficult to recognize the usefulness of such a group.
After all, if the victim does not see his role, it is more difficult for her to escape from repeated violence.… It turns out that the group with the “ban on personal responsibility” does not fight the abuse, but contributes to its continuation.
I repeat that we are talking about a victim who is physically free, an adult and is in a relationship once approved by her.
And yet, about the usefulness of the group for me personally, from a third party.
For me, it's like training loyalty to this irrational whining about what kind of guilty bastards are all around, and he (well, even those whom he appoints) has nothing to do with it.
In my practice, it has often been impossible for me to withstand this. It happened that I could not help those who applied, because I could not listen to these endless complaints, without the slightest suspicion of my own participation. And the therapist should withstand this. My relationship was cut short by my too early confrontation. Relationships that I have cherished and cherished for several years, and then the rage covered me and trust was no longer restored.
In my work, I often did not have enough time to catch this moment of my own rage and dwell on it, not giving it a go. And here, reading and rereading the posts, anger floods, but there is time to think and think again and think again about my role as an observer or “ruthless evaluator”. And this is a trainer for a psychotherapist.
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