6 Signs Of Passive-aggressive Behavior. How To Identify Passive Aggression?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2024-01-18 02:26

How to understand that a person is trying to drain his anger on you and at the same time be unpunished?

Often, we do not immediately realize that we are communicating with a passive aggressor. Such a person will not immediately say directly that something is wrong, that he is irritated or angry. No - a passive aggressor, cute, white and fluffy ("How, honey, you have not yet understood how I feel? You have not yet understood my thoughts? Guess what exactly I want from you! How can you not feel that I I want to ?! So you don't give a damn about me! I knew it! "). If you react to this behavior with anger or try to expose a passive aggressor, it is likely to make him even more angry, but the person will probably never admit that he is angry. Moreover, he will justify himself, defend himself, deny any responsibility, may even repeatedly declare that "everything is all right with him, and it seemed to you." Why is this happening? The passive aggressor does not know how to express such emotions, he simply does not know how to do this, denying his feelings most often even for himself.

So what are the signs of passive-aggressive behavior?

Passive aggressors cannot refuse you and do not go into open conflict. On the one hand, they agree with you, and on the other, they sabotage the work or do not do what they previously agreed with. Quite often, at the same time, statements "slip through": "Do as you know!" You know better than anyone else, but you don't give a damn about my opinion! " This is passive aggression - the person does not say directly that he is angry with you, however, in the tone and in the sentence itself, you hear aggression.

Accordingly, if such a passive aggressor does not like something, he will never admit it to you (in his opinion, having shown aggression, anger, anger or disagreement, he will appear as a monster in your eyes). Often the root of the problem is hidden in childhood, when the child was not allowed to show open aggression, therefore, in adulthood, he keeps everything to himself, does not want to seem a monster either in your eyes, much less in his own.

1. Frequent concealment of feelings from oneself - you see that the person is sad, withdrawn into himself, but at the same time denies any problem ("Everything is all right with me!"), Because he himself does not really understand what is happening to him. Passive aggressors are not used to being sensitive to themselves. They say that everything is fine and wonderful, but it seems to you that it is not. In other words, you see that a person is in trouble, but you cannot reach him.
2. The passive aggressor loves to play silent. If something went wrong, he will be silent for a long time, offended, and you will feel the tension hanging in the air.

The passive aggressor has an unconscious need to piss you off so that you show aggression towards him, so the person can completely ignore you. As a rule, the mechanism of projective identification is still triggered here - denying his aggression, the aggressor, relatively speaking, invests it psychologically and emotionally in you, forcing you to react to what he himself has no right to. Then he will blame you ("You are an angry and aggressive person! Do as you know! Then you yourself will be guilty for what you did when I did not want to communicate with you and discuss the problem, decide how to proceed"). So, the "task" of a passive aggressor is to get mad with his silence, to force him to take responsibility for something joint, so that later he can blame you. And along with the tension in the air, you will end up feeling guilty.

1. The passive aggressor often leaves work unfinished or doesn’t give it up at all. He skillfully sabotages people in a team, in a team for non-fulfillment of assigned tasks (when he does not agree with his role in a company or in a relationship). Aloud, a person cannot voice anything, therefore, he either does nothing at all, or leaves work unfinished. For example, you asked a guy to vacuum an apartment and he left one room; wash the dishes - he left 5 dirty cups (these examples indicate that a person sabotages the work that he was asked to do, cannot express in words his dissatisfaction and aggression, disagreement, therefore he expresses his feelings in indirect ways).

2. A person who is characterized by passive aggression can offend indirectly, "accidentally". For example, you submit your report, and the work done is worthy of praise, the person looks and says: "Yes, great work done!" However, then after the compliment you hear: "Almost as good as Lena's!" This is a slight insult - it seems that nothing bad has been said, but where does Lena have to do with it? A dissonance immediately arises in my head, and it is not clear how to react to such a remark.

The passive aggressor gives double messages, and the first reaction of the interlocutor is confusion. In situations like this, you can track whether there was passive aggression (in psychology this is called countertransference, but if you are not a psychotherapist, this will be called your internal response).

A passive aggressor loves gloominess (he will sit in a corner with a frowning face, silently puffing into two holes), he is a stubborn person, and it is difficult to come to an agreement with him (he will not agree to any proposal). Relatively speaking, this is a slight irritant in a team or family, in a relationship, but there is nothing to show him directly. The person did nothing of the kind - he is gloomy, stubborn, has the right to disagree … However, you feel his disagreement, like a "stick in the wheel" - as if "just not the way you want and like."

How does a passive aggressor get his way? There are 5 patterns of behavior:

1. He avoids you. For example, you agreed on something (often we are talking about meetings, dates), but you just can't meet in order to realize your plan (“Let's meet today at 5?” - the person agrees, although the time is inconvenient for him, but half an hour before meeting writes that he will not come). This behavior is a form of passive aggression, because a person could not immediately say that the time was not right.
2. Resentment “in silence, playing in silence - the behavior is a little childish. However, at the same time, no matter what room a person enters, he sucks out all the joy and good mood that is there.
3. Forgetfulness - a passive aggressor supposedly forgets about agreements or requests addressed to him. For example, “Bring me, please, this book tomorrow” - “Yes, yes, yes…”, and a week, two, five passes; "Listen, can you help me figure out the washing machine?" - "Yes, yes, yes … Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow …". Some situations can be confused with a person's lack of strength, energy and time, but if this is not a passive aggressor, he will say so directly (“I remember everything, but now there really is no strength!”). In the first case, the person will crumple, break, hide, and in every possible way avoid the dialogue.
4. Work "halfway" - came, looked at the washing machine, disassembled it, but does not assemble it. In this case, the passive aggressor will always be ashamed to tell the truth.
5. Constant barbs - for example, "but Lena did better." A person often uses sarcasm and humor to undermine your sense of self-confidence, and this is done not with the aim of doing bad to you, but with the aim of not recognizing this aggression in himself.

In general, each of us may exhibit forms of passive-aggressive behavior - the appointed time is not always convenient for us, but we cannot say clearly and clearly about what does not satisfy us. However, there are people who have this behavior all the time, and it is worth working with it! In any case, work on yourself - learn directly and speak as early as possible about what does not suit you.