Passive Aggression. What Is It And How Does It Ruin Our Lives

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

A samurai without a sword is like a samurai with a sword. Only without a sword. (joke

What is passive aggression? Almost everyone has met it in life (and some regularly throw it out on others). However, this phenomenon itself is discussed in our culture very, very rarely. More often you can hear something like: "She has a bad temper" or "He is an energy vampire: it seems that he does nothing wrong, but after communicating with him you feel very bad." People usually don't know that no esoteric stuff has anything to do with it, and no vampires are to blame. It's just that the person with whom it is so difficult is actually passive-aggressive with you on a regular basis

Passive-aggressive behavior is aggression expressed in a socially acceptable form, while the aggressor does not outwardly go beyond social norms.

• For Christmas, my mother-in-law gave me a box with a jar of jam. When I opened the gift, she said that the jam is for all the guests, not just me, and she needs the box back.
• During the wedding photo session, the mother-in-law turned to the photographer with a request to take a family photo - four of us and without me. I was ready to just kiss this little bald man when he remarked: “Sorry, madam, but your family already includes not only four. The bride must be present in every photo!"
• My mother-in-law once gave me a Bible, a necklace with a cross, and a cookbook, How to Cook Pork Chops, for my birthday. On the card (with Jesus) it was written that she hoped that I changed my mind and she would be able to save me. Did I mention that I am Jewish? I kept telling her all 7 years of our marriage that I was NOT planning to change religion. Her husband told her not to worry about gifts anymore if she couldn’t help but focus on religion. He added that he loves me and is considering converting to Judaism! He's not planning anything like that, but he wanted to poke her in the nose.
• Every Christmas my mother-in-law gives me a broken candlestick. When I open the box, we “discover” that the glass is broken. The mother-in-law every time pretends to be surprised and takes the box to take to the store and exchange. The next year I receive the same gift.
• The mother-in-law loves to give gifts in order to quarrel the grandchildren among themselves. Last year […] she gave the children $ 35 and said that the two elders should get 12 each, and the youngest - 11. All three looked at her as if she were crazy, and we, of course, did not allow this to happen.
• My ex-husband's family exchanged gifts for Christmas. We were a young couple with two small children, and we went out of our way to buy gifts for everyone. In return, they received very strange things, and always one gift for the family. For example, a can of M&M candies for everyone. This upset the children, since all the children received their own gift, and ours - a jar of sweets for the family. Once each grandson received a really good present, and ours received a book worth 89 cents. This was the last time we went there.
• My husband's stepmother came to us while we were away and stole the potted flowers that stood on my porch. Then she said that she did it because we didn’t give them anything for their wedding anniversary. I never got these flowers back. By the way, she never gave us anything for our anniversary.

It was even difficult to select specific examples from the multitude of stories: judging by the complaints of women, mothers-in-law are extremely resourceful in poisoning the lives of their daughters-in-law. They interfere in the affairs of a young family ("I wish you well!"), Give gifts on the verge of offensive (and pretend that they did not mean anything like that), extort certain actions from their son and daughter-in-law (gratitude for a cheap trinket or that they be sure, ALWAYS went on vacation there and as the father-in-law say)…. Well, the classic: to break into the room of the young at any opportunity, even in the middle of the night ("I have things there, in the closet" or "I'll just straighten the blanket on them - they sleep like doves!"). At the same time, it is noticeable that daughters-in-law (and even sons) are not very happy with interventions, unsolicited advice and gifts, moralizing and barbs. Because people quite feel that they were treated aggressively, that an uninvited society was imposed on them, that they broke into personal boundaries.

Was aggression shown in these cases? Undoubtedly. The daughters-in-law in all the cited stories were outraged, although they reacted in different ways (not everyone began to lead to a scandal).

Has the aggression been expressed openly? No. This is the essence of passive aggression: such an aggressor never crosses the boundaries of the socially acceptable. After all, it is customary to give gifts to relatives? Well, the mother-in-law will make it quite socially. Ah, the gift came out unsuccessful - well, not all gifts are successful. But from a pure heart, accompanied by "mother's advice." (In fact, uninvited - but also socially acceptable; after all, it is quite common for an older woman to give good advice to an inexperienced and younger one).

That is, due to the fact that social norms were not grossly violated, it is difficult to find fault with a passive aggressor. But the victim, the victim perfectly understands how she was treated! The victim is not happy and it is not very easy to persuade her: "Never mind, it's okay." She felt quite full-fledged aggression against her: she (or her children) was placed below others, treated an adult woman like a young fool, or, while distributing material values, she was demonstratively deprived of her status. This is what it is - aggression, only expressed in a passive form.

How do you know passive aggression?

Oh, when someone shows passive aggression towards you, you will immediately notice it. You may not have known this term before, but you will feel a painful injection. The passive aggressor is usually not rude, does not go into open confrontation. He does not raise his voice and does not start scandals himself - but conflict situations flare up around him often. For some reason, many people just want to be rude, yell at this innocent person. And even after a short-term communication with such, you want to take your soul away - it becomes so unpleasant and difficult, the mood spoils so much.

Such people often know themselves that there are many "ill-wishers" or simply bad, malicious people around them. A passive-aggressive strategy is to tolerate self-abuse and then complain to someone who is willing to listen (and who will not "send" back).

Passive-aggressive do not demand anything - they complain and reproach; they do not ask - they give a hint by chance (and so that later they do not find fault). They are never to blame for their troubles - well, at least they themselves do not believe in it. Others are to blame, bad fate, bad education system, "everything in this country is so arranged", etc. (By the way: one of the most effective methods of psychotherapy is to gradually bring a person with passive-aggressive behavior to the realization of how he himself, his actions affect the reactions of others. For some reason, ordinary, normal people are not happy when they receive a dose of passive aggression. reeducate”with the best intentions, okay?).

Here is a short list of passive aggression:

• Do not speak directly about their desires and needs (hint or silently expect others to understand them without words). They will never say openly what they like and what they don't - you always need to guess. They say about such people: “You cannot please him”;
• They do not start a scandal first, although they often provoke it;
• In especially difficult cases, they can even stir up a "guerrilla war" against someone who is ill-will - gossip, plot against an unsuspecting "offender";
• Often they violate obligations: they promise, and then do not fulfill, sabotage, masterly shirk. The point is that the passive-aggressive one was initially against and did not want to do what was agreed with him, but he could not say “no”. So he said yes and simply didn't do anything. And he didn't intend to immediately;
• They are often late: this is also a form of passive resistance, when you have to go where you did not want to go;
• The promise is often postponed for a long time under a variety of pretexts. They are performed reluctantly, poorly and at the very last moment. By the way, nowadays fashionable procrastination can also be a form of passive aggression;
• Often unproductive, they use the so-called. "Italian strike" - that is, they seem to be doing it, but there is still no result. This is another way to indirectly say: “I don’t like this, I don’t want to do this!”, While not entering into open conflict;
• By the way, passive-aggressive individuals often have a reputation as unreliable people on whom one cannot rely - precisely because of the above characteristics;
• They gossip, complain about others (behind the eyes), take offense. Often they are indignant and dissatisfied that others are behaving badly, the world is unfair, the state is not organized correctly, the bosses are stupid, at work they are terribly burdened and do not value, etc. They see the cause of their troubles outside, they do not associate in any way with their own actions. They reproach others for unreasonable demands, for the unfairness of the authorities towards them, for the fact that their efforts are not appreciated (they especially adore behind their backs to accuse and pour contempt on the authorities of any rank);
• Critical and sarcastic. They reach great heights in the ability to "put down" a person with one poisonous word and devalue his achievements or good intentions. They actively criticize and practically do not praise - since this will allow another to "gain power" by learning what the passive-aggressive person likes or dislikes;
• They masterfully avoid direct discussions of problems. They "punish" with silence. They stubbornly do not explain what they are offended, but they non-verbally make it clear that the offense is strong and it will not be easy to atone for it. They provoke the interlocutor to express dissatisfaction and the first steps in the conflict (the conflict still flares up, but technically it was not started by the passive-aggressive one, which means that it is not he who is to blame, but the opponent);
• During open disputes, the passive-aggressive person becomes personal, recalls the old, finds what to blame the opponent for and, to the last, tries to shift the blame onto others;
• Under the guise of caring, they behave as if the other person is disabled, stupid, inferior, etc. (a classic example is when the daughter-in-law finishes cleaning the apartment and discovers that the mother-in-law is crawling with a rag, wiping the floor that has just been washed. To the surprised questions of the young woman, the mother-in-law carefully says: “Oh, child, never mind, it's just that we have a custom the house was clean."
• Naturally, after such a manifestation of passive aggression, the daughter-in-law will quietly fall into a rage, but it is not accepted to be rude to a polite tone and ostentatious "care" - well, that means there will be a scandal in the young family in the evening).