PASSIVE AGGRESSION: WHERE DOES IT COME FROM AND WHAT TO DO?

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Video: PASSIVE AGGRESSION: WHERE DOES IT COME FROM AND WHAT TO DO?

Video: PASSIVE AGGRESSION: WHERE DOES IT COME FROM AND WHAT TO DO?
Video: Passive-Aggressive Language 2024, March
PASSIVE AGGRESSION: WHERE DOES IT COME FROM AND WHAT TO DO?
PASSIVE AGGRESSION: WHERE DOES IT COME FROM AND WHAT TO DO?
Anonim

Initially, biological aggression is an evolutionary tool. Its energy, the energy of vital aggressiveness, is absolutely necessary for a person for self-affirmation, adaptation, and in general the appropriation of vital resources. Without this energy, it is also impossible to conduct any behavior aimed at eliminating or overcoming that which threatens the physical or mental integrity of the organism, and from this point of view, aggression is a useful thing. However, let's not forget that the expression of any emotion in human behavior is a delicate instrument, and must be tuned extremely precisely

The slightest misalignment in the setting between aggressive emotions and aggressive actions in a relationship - and hello, we have arrived: aggression generates a reciprocal aggression, and instead of overcoming threatening tendencies, a person receives an increase in tension, or even direct violence in his direction.

The source of the problems

- Give, give, give, give! - the kid shouts, stretching out his hands to the desired toy in the supermarket: well, I really want to, very much.

Ideally, mom either buys a toy or explains that his desires are understandable, but there is no money to fulfill them now. From the point of view of aggression, a moderately aggressive demand from a child to acquire a resource is followed by a moderately aggressive action by the mother to protect her own resources (in this case, money). But this, as you know, is an ideal mother, who has neither a sense of guilt for every unbought toy, nor her own accumulated aggression towards the child. That is, a mom with a perfectly tuned balance between aggressive emotions and actions.

Unfortunately, often in such situations, the mother reacts with an escalation of aggression: "Shut up!" - she screams in response, and then she also gives a slap on the head … Or, even worse, leaves and then it is generally not clear how to live! So the kid understands that active behavior, at least to some extent expressing aggression, even if it is to protect his own interests and ensure his own resources, is an unacceptable thing.

Consequences in adulthood

However, aggression itself as a sensory experience does not disappear anywhere; just a person seeks not to express it in any way. Don't be proactive, don't take care of yourself. In adulthood, this leads to the fact that a person unconsciously demonstrates his aggression, but in the only way possible for him: passive.

An oxymoron, passive-aggressive behavior occurs:

- What do you want for breakfast?

- I do not know.

- Maybe semolina or scrambled eggs?

- Does not matter.

- Would you like some juice?

- I do not care.

- You haven't woken up yet?

- May be.

- Is there something I can do for you?

- How should I know.

This behavior is a way of avoiding communication, and at the same time not taking responsibility for refusing to communicate. The only thing that can be achieved with the help of passive aggression is the termination of communication; and at best, this is exactly what happens, a person with a similar style of behavior remains alone, with his unexpressed aggression, receiving neither love, nor attention, nor, in the end, peace of mind from the confidence that he can protect himself. Climb and climb, you know, evil "mothers" to him with questions about semolina or scrambled eggs …

In the worst (but by no means rare) case, the passive-aggressive form of communication entails an escalation of aggression: “Oh, you don’t want to talk to me at all? Well, go to hell!” - either direct violence: “Eat immediately, or you will get it in the forehead! In such a paradoxical way, a seemingly positive desire not to express aggression leads to its accumulation and escalation. What to do?

Taking responsibility for your life

Passive aggression is characterized by avoidance of responsibility: "What am I? I'm nicho, that's all she is!" - and it turns out that there is always some "she" who is to blame for everything. Not to be held accountable for anything - the position is comfortable, no doubt about it. But that's the only thing then life is going somehow awry: the way someone else does it …

To declare about yourself, about your desires is a purposeful action, that is to say, aggressive, and thus frightening. That is, in the above-described communication, a person sees only two possible answers: either “I don’t know” or “Thank you, I will gladly eat semolina porridge”. The option "I want a sandwich and make it myself" completely disappears from the field of possible solutions … The ability to listen to your desires, express them constructively and persistently achieve their fulfillment is an absolutely necessary skill for life. And any persistence requires conscious access to the energy of biological aggression: passive aggression is completely useless here, it can serve exclusively as a marker that you do not allow yourself to feel or express some of your desires.

If you recognize yourself in passive-aggressive behavior, it's time to think about where you left responsibility, and how to turn passive aggression into a conscious one. Analyze what you would like to achieve by this, and express it directly, and as clearly as possible for the interlocutor. Unfortunately, in cases where aggression was blocked from childhood, often the ability to express it in a socially acceptable way was not formed. If, thinking about aggression, you have imagined how you are blowing everything around to hell, then it is better to master this skill with a psychologist. It is clear that any energy can become destructive if used without safety precautions - but this is not a reason not to use it at all.

The normal, economical use of aggression is to use it as a fuel, as a driving force to achieve your goals. Therefore, of course, you need to first determine: what exactly is your goal? And then move towards her, using aggression drop by drop, by grain! The minimum quantum of aggression, so to speak, is the answers "yes" and "no": they are the ones avoided by people of a passive-aggressive nature. Unfortunately, suppressed aggression is still latently felt and elicits an aggressive response - and that is why people who too often limit themselves to cautious “don’t know” answers face rejection, and it is good, if not rude.

Psychologists call this "victim behavior" - and it is laid even in childhood, when the child was not explained how to deal with his own aggression, but instead forced to be "quieter than water, below the grass" …

Sometimes the main problem of such people is that for the environmentally friendly use of aggression, you need to get access to their desires - and they don’t know their own desires! The answer “I don’t know” is given sincerely and from a pure heart, and to feel that he is passive-aggressive, it will take many years of trials in himself …

And, nevertheless, it is imperative to understand yourself in such cases; perhaps with the help of a specialist. For if you do not understand what your desires are, you will never be able to fulfill them!

And without this there is no happiness.

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