2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
“You will excuse me, but I noticed you have problems with your teeth, I have the phone of a very good specialist, would you like me to give you his phone number?”. Once a meeting with one of my clients ended with just such a phrase.
“Why does the client take revenge on me with such“care”, what is this way of expressing his feelings, what is he trying to tell me about by this?” - my thoughts with which I ended that meeting.
One thing I understood for sure, behind such "care" is hidden a lot of anger, which is impossible to express directly.
Suppressed aggression is a fairly popular and capacious topic. Many fundamental works have been written and many personal opinions expressed - both by specialists and by people far from psychological sciences. There is a lot of information, knowledge, understanding on this topic. But knowledge and living, as we know, are completely different levels.
We are talking about manifestations of passive aggression, usually in cases of systematic delays, broken promises, forgetting about agreements. But there are other forms of its manifestation, hidden under quite acceptable social behavior and justified by the position of caring.
But let's start from the beginning, from the origins of the emergence, or rather from the origins of the transition from direct aggression to passive.
Everyone's relationship with aggression is different, if in childhood you were allowed to fully express the whole gamut of feelings and at the same time you were accepted and loved, then, most likely, with your aggression you will be on "you". You will be able to speak openly and directly about what you do not like, explain your position very concretely, defend your borders and rights.
If in your memory during such a conversation the phrases “calm down immediately”, “you cannot be angry with your mother” or pictures flash with examples of destructive, destructive aggression in the parental family - you are most likely one of those people, for someone aggression is completely inaccessible for manifestation and is absolutely intolerable in manifestations from other people.
For example, for a long time I was one of such people. And there are many people with such an attitude towards any, including constructive aggression, among my friends and, especially, among my clients, which is not surprising at all, clients usually choose therapists for a reason.
As soon as I start talking with such clients about aggression, many different feelings appear in our contact, but the most striking of them are fear and shame, and sometimes even horror. Living them is hard and difficult. And to accept that there is aggression in you is almost impossible at all, let alone to show it.
I clarify from one client what aggression is for her and what it looks like - "Destruction, hysteria, screams, open conflict and, as a result, the destruction of relations." And then I understand that if in her experience any manifestation of aggression ends in the destruction of contact, then it is clear where there is so much fear and a ban on manifestation. And in this place I very much respond with my feelings.
And if aggression is "unequivocal evil" and it is by no means impossible to show it, what happens to it?
That's right, she's hiding. She goes into the shadows, and if you look closely, you will see her: behind very kind grandmothers who will give important advice when no one asked; for a caring mother-in-law who "accidentally" leaves her daughter-in-law recipes for all the dishes she cooked during her stay at a party; for a friend who, taking care of your spiritual development, casually throws off a link to a revealing article in which “just your topic” or, for example, tells you that your outfit this season is no longer in vogue.
Do you recognize? There are many examples. The way people do something that is very useful for you and right, in their opinion, and the feeling from this arises that you are being attacked.
And the most unpleasant thing about this is that if there is still an opportunity to fight back and defend against direct aggression, then it is quite difficult to protect yourself from such latent manifestations, especially for those who are just among the people who do not accept such feelings.
But, as a result of a certain inner work, a time comes when you slowly begin to recognize the most aggression, perhaps even try to refuse such offers, facing a gamut of different feelings from fear to guilt.
But the most important thing, in my opinion, in relations with this bright and such powerful feeling as aggression occurs later. When one day you turn around sharply and suddenly you clearly see, you see that very shadow behind you. At a certain moment, you suddenly take a breath and, no, you don't understand, you have understood this for a long time and many times. You feel it as a part of you. And now you begin to recognize her not only in your friends, neighbors, mothers and grandmothers. From this day on you will recognize her in yourself. Because if all your aggression is blocked and not recognized, then this is the only way to tell the world about your needs and desires.
And this is a completely new stage of acquaintance with aggression. The stage of awareness and feeling. Sometimes difficult and painful. But, if you do not get scared, do not run away, but "come up" closer, you will understand almost immediately - if she does not need to hide, she may well be accommodating and even useful.
For example, she can help you defend your borders. Open, clear and constructive.
Or help you express yourself brightly and confidently. It can also give you the energy to go your own way, implement the most daring and crazy ideas, choose those with whom you are on the way and say goodbye to those who interfere.
In fact, it helps to be yourself. Sounds good, doesn't it? Maybe it makes sense to turn around?
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