2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Is it necessary to help people "to the last", despite the aggression and ingratitude?
The one who can do everything is to blame for everything
In difficult situations, we may need help. And when we get it, sometimes we decide what we owe. We become demanding, even picky and jealous. We become a "hard case" for the one who tried to help.
How and why does this happen? And is it necessary to help people "to the last", despite the aggression and ingratitude?
There is such an anecdote:
A beggar stands near the temple and begs for alms. One wealthy man gave a large sum of money to a beggar every time. And now the donor disappeared. The beggar is worried, waiting. A few weeks later, the beggar again met with his benefactor.
- Where have you disappeared? the beggar asks anxiously.
- Well, my wife and I went to the sea, - the interlocutor happily answers.
- At sea, then …
- Yes. On the sea.
- And this is for my money ?!
They say that a similar story happened with Utesov. Once Utesov met a crying woman sitting on the sidewalk. When the singer asked her what had happened, the woman told him a sad story about going to the market to buy food for her birthday party.
She collected this money for several months. And her wallet with money was stolen. No money, no food, nothing to treat guests, no party. Utesov was filled with grief of the woman and gave her the lost amount. The woman continued to cry bitterly.
- Why are you crying? - asked Utesov. - I gave you money.
“Yes,” the woman turned her tear-stained and distorted face to him. - And the wallet ?!
If we ponder over this story and ask ourselves what happened to the woman, then the answers: “She’s not enough,” or “She is greedy,” or “She is ungrateful, infantile,” - we will not be satisfied. Here it is important to focus on the fact that a woman, having suffered a serious loss, wants not only help, not only compensation for the loss, but wants to achieve an effect as if nothing had happened.
The effect of the complete elimination of traumatic circumstances. This is a fabulous, magical effect. When the almighty other completely removes the consequences of the trauma. "And I feel like I'm protected." Everything seems to be fine. Is there something wrong with this feeling?
The desire to be absolutely protected is inherent in each of us. The philosopher Gilbert Simondon, in his book On the Animal and Man, writes:
“A person has nothing. He lies helpless, unable to move, while the chicks already know how to get their own food, and the insects, as soon as they are born, know where to move in order to rise into the air. The man knows nothing …
He is forced to learn everything from scratch, for many years he lives in the care of his parents, until he begins to earn a living on his own and overcome the dangers that lie in wait for him. But in return he was given reason, man is the only living being who can stand in full growth and look at the sky."
You can add - and pray to God, knowing Him.
It is painful and anxious for a person to become aware of their insecurity. This is just one of the reasons why a person wants to fantasize not just about dosed help, not just about participation, which has boundaries, but about the fact that everything was decided for him, and he did not feel such insecurity in front of life. And even if such a person suffers deeply, giving him everything will not work.
Until a person builds mature relationships and mature defenses in this insecurity, he will seek immature defenses.
One example is the "search for an omnipotent mother." Indeed, in childhood, it seems to a child that parents are omnipotent. This stage begins when the child begins to guess that coziness and warmth, milk and comfort are not the result of his omnipotent self-care, but the care of adults.
The child will grow up, faith will melt, but its remnants will always be with him. And how much the grown-up child can now be involved in these omnipotent "adults" will depend on how wealthy he will feel.
That is why people value "stars" and "the mighty" so much. We all have an expectation of an omnipotent and indestructible mother, a support mother who will satisfy all our needs. And when someone helps us stronger than us, these fantasies are activated. But when the "omnipotent mother" refuses us, the "child" is outraged. He was stripped of his property.
In a simplified form, it is customary to attribute all this to dislike. But the problem is that the pleasure principle tends to become total. In other words, unconscious desire of a person - not to feel displeasure in principle
However, any tension and dissatisfaction is a big problem for the pleasure principle. Therefore, development is always a frustration.
Almighty Mother is also indestructible. That is, in relation to her, you can be cruel, and sadistic, and ungrateful - she will endure everything. Accordingly, the more we support these fantasies in those whom we help, the more attacks of aggression we provoke.
And even if someone manages to imagine himself as a kind of “mother who can do anything and is ready for anything,” a new difficulty awaits him: the one who can do everything is to blame for everything.
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