2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
The more I work with relationships as a psychologist, the more I agree with James Hollis, who wrote:
- Interacting with different people, it is worth asking yourself the question: "What of what I expect from this person, I should do myself?"
Today, for example, I worked with a young man with the request "How can I stay in good condition when my girlfriend is offended?" The situation is trivial: when a girl is offended, he feels either guilt or anger and resentment. Accordingly, he is either being manipulated and doing as she wants, or loudly indignant, which makes her even more offended - and then a vicious circle.
- I want her not to be offended.
- It's clear what you want. But she is offended. And actually he has the right to take offense. I understand that she is manipulating you in this way so that you do as she wants. And you would like her not to manipulate. But she will continue to do this, you do not control it. Therefore, there is nothing we can do about her grievances. Instead, I want to ask you, why are you being fooled? Why are you offended in return?
- Because for me it means that I am not valuable to her, that she rejects me.
- OK understood. You expect her not to be offended. Try to notice that your expectation is meaningless. You can wait as long as you like, but she is as she is, and she will be offended. She doesn’t know any other way, you shouldn’t expect this from her.
- Well, it's sad. This means that I will never feel valuable to her.
- And try to say to yourself: “I am valuable to myself, even if she does not appreciate me. I am a very important person for myself. Even when she is offended, everything is fine with me, I have not done anything wrong."
- I am valuable to myself, even if she does not appreciate me. I am a very important person for myself. Even when she is offended, I’m fine, I haven’t done anything wrong.
- Yeah. Now try to feel these words. Try to notice that you are valuable to yourself and you do not need to confirm this value with the help of a girl, she is already there. What happens to you then?
- Somehow calm …
- Even if she is offended, are you calm? Imagine: here she is, she is offended. Calmly?
- Now it occurred to me that she is not offended because she does not appreciate me, but she simply cannot cope with her offenses.
- Exactly! Your value has nothing to do with it! Great insight!
- It turns out that I expected from her that she would confirm my value to me, but it was much easier to confirm to myself.
- Yes, you understood me correctly. Now, from this state, what would you say to her?
- I would say: “It's a pity that you are offended. If you want to talk, come, I’m waiting for you.” And I would go about my business.
What's important to me in this example? You can do something good for yourself regardless of your partner, whether he understands us, is offended or not, loves or dislikes … that is, regardless of anything. And this is a way to become autonomous, a way to become truly adults.
The client in the example expected a girl to do the job for him. And time after time I was disappointed. No one can confirm his importance to him until he confirms it to himself. Of course, a girl could learn to cope with her grievances, learn to "correctly" communicate with her boyfriend, as he expects, and generally adjust to him. But this is unlikely to happen in reality. Teaching a partner to treat us correctly is not a bad thing, it just doesn't always work. In addition, we have another option that always works. This is an opportunity to give ourselves something that we do not have.
The trouble is that in practice it is almost impossible to do this without a psychotherapist, because:
1.we do not know that this happens, 2. it seems to us that a partner should provide us with a happy life: when he (a) changes, then everything will be fine, 3.we do not know what and how to do, 4.psychic defenses interfere, which lead us away from the goal.
In 99% of cases, the client's request first sounds like this:
- I want him (s) …
No matter what the next words are sounded, this request has no chance to work. The partner did not order changes, he for his part says the same thing: "And I want you to …"
Nothing will come of it.
The psychologist helps to change the request to a realistic one:
- What can I do to feel good regardless of him (her)?
And only from this moment the client has a chance for improvement.
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