Partner Disappointment In A Healthy Relationship Is Inevitable

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

And so let's talk about relationships from the point of view of Gestalt, or, to be more precise, from the point of view of the dialogue-phenomenological model of Gestalt therapy. To repeat the statement I made in the title, in a healthy relationship, disappointment with your partner is inevitable. Sooner or later, and more than once in my life. But it's inevitable. That's so fatalistic. However, there is good news - in a healthy relationship, charm with your partner is also inevitable and also more than once. I will expand my thought in more detail.

Relationships can develop along two opposite vectors - this is a relationship where partners manage to meet, and where partners never meet with each other. I think some readers will be surprised - how is it not to meet, and then who is dating? I will definitely write about this. And so consider the case when partners do meet sooner or later. At the beginning of a relationship, as paradoxical as it may seem at first glance, there is almost no talk about the fact that we see a real partner (this is, of course, a rather conditional thesis). All that we see is, as a rule, our violent projections onto a given person, our fantasies about him. We meet a lot of new, interesting things in a friend we like, or rather, for the most part, only what we want to notice. And this novelty (more precisely, our experiences of novelty), as a rule, brings a lot of pleasure, causes a lot of pleasant experiences, excitement, awe. As a rule, against the background of such pleasant experiences, people begin to become attached to each other. And that's actually good. Affection can, to a certain extent, help maintain a relationship when it dips.

Then, when the euphoria gradually begins to go away, gradually different qualities of the partner become noticeable. You can already see what you like and what you don't like, you gradually begin to realize that there are such qualities, and such behavior of the partner that just infuriates. And gradually it becomes more and more obvious. The fact is that “bad” qualities (those, emotions from which it is difficult for us to experience) cost us “more expensive”, that is, we experience it harder than good ones, and therefore it is impossible not to notice them for a long time. And so sooner or later we experience disappointment with a real partner, since he (she) is doomed to fall short of our ideal due to his imperfection. It seems to be a fatal moment - no matter how hard you try, you will be disappointed and disappointed, but I think this is a very important moment in the transition to a really strong relationship.

In fact, relations, in my opinion, develop in a sinusoidal manner. First, the rise, reaching the peak of pleasure, charm, and then decline and reaching the peak of grief and disappointment. This peak with a minus sign (here, of course, everything is conditional) is the starting point where the relationship will move further. After all, no matter how proud we are of our awareness of our partner, in fact, instead of him, we see some kind of image given to us in phenomena (facts of consciousness). And sooner or later the image that we create with you (and the partner at this time actually creates the image of us) begins to need correction, in a change in connection with the changing conditions of life. Namely change: age and according to it experience; physical attractiveness; health status; status; values and other factors that lead to the emergence of new phenomena. But the situation has changed and those ways of dealing with another person (with a set of phenomena), as a rule, do not work, that is, in fact, a crisis of relations occurs. And it depends on how the couple overcomes this crisis, and it will depend on where the curve will go: up, straight, or there will be a break and, in fact, the death of the relationship. This is the prospect.

I wrote that this option is possible if you have a healthy relationship. By this I mean that both partners are aware of the flow of phenomena that they track in contact with each other and can experience them in presence. By unhealthy relationships, I mean a situation when a partner is seen as a once and for all frozen set of characteristics and new phenomena of the relationship, as a rule, are either ignored, not noticed, or attributed to some external factors. It turns out such a life with illusions about another person. So you can live for decades without noticing the real state of affairs, and this usually leads to shock in the case when the phenomenon can no longer be ignored (for example, the departure or betrayal of a partner).

And so what happens when the pair touches the lower limit of the sinusoid. As I already wrote, the relationship at this moment is in a state of crisis. And in fact, this state is very resourceful, despite the fact that from the outside it may seem that the couple has a catastrophic breakdown in the relationship. This is the time to search for new ways of contacting each other. And where are these new ways to look? In those phenomena that contacts are tracking in their relationships, in their ability to notice new things, to be surprised, to experience what is conscious. I am sure that in the case of the courage of partners to show themselves and experience the emerging phenomena, sooner or later the relationship curve will creep up. The couple will be able to find new resources, new opportunities for effective contact with each other, and so on, increasing to a new peak with a plus sign and again a decline. In general, it is a sinusoid and it is a sinusoid. It seems that our whole life is subject to such a law, including in technology, in medicine, in relationships, and so on.

Now consider the cases when partners do not meet with each other. Most often, such contact between partners is established when one admires the other. And against the backdrop of admiration, "relationships" begin. One admires, and the other allows himself to be admired. I put the word relationship in brackets, since it is actually being next to another person, but emotional close relationships most often do not happen. They can start, then see scenario one. But consider the second. An admirable relationship can last anywhere from a few weeks to several years. However, usually the end of such a relationship is the devaluation of the partner. This is, as a rule, a preemptive strike so that the partner does not have time to “devalue” the first one (I put the word devalue in brackets, since this is usually a fantasy about a partner). As a rule, it is scary that your partner will examine you and see all your insignificance, imperfection, and you will be exposed. And then anticipatory depreciation is used - he (she) is a complete insignificance, you don't even need to communicate and listen to him (her). And then you are protected from exposure. True, they never met and exposed their fantasies, but for our psyche, which, as I already wrote, feeds on phenomena (images), this is not important.

Let me explain here the difference between depreciation and disappointment. In the first case, there was no relationship as such. There was a bottom-up look at perfection, at something important and valuable. In the second case, there was a relationship. It's just that certain aspects of this person, on closer inspection, have gradually diminished your charm. However, at the same time, gratitude to this person often remains, gratitude for the fact that he was, and possibly remains with you. Devaluation is, as a rule, total, with only negative emotions being recognized and mostly in excellent form. When devaluing the psyche, it is very important to lower the person lower, he should not get a single gram of the opportunity to consider you, he should not have a chance.

And so I will summarize. If you realize that you are disappointed in your partner, then this rather indicates that you still met with him and even managed to consider something. However, if the disappointment is strong, then this may be a signal for you that you may have overestimated requirements for people or you do not accept some of your own qualities (here, as a rule, the projection mechanism is triggered, this is bad for him, but I not like that (like that)). And in principle, if we do not make a universal tragedy out of this, then the forecast of the development of relations can be quite favorable. But if you realize that you devalue your partner (complete insignificance, non-human and other "wonderful" epithets), then it is quite possible that you lived in a relationship with this person with your illusions, and never met him. And it is quite possible that you are so ashamed of something (or somehow you are experiencing in a different way, or rather, you cannot worry at all) that you are afraid to show yourself to other people. And, unfortunately, the forecast for building relationships is not only with this partner, but generally not comforting (I will be glad to be mistaken). So go straight to a consultation with a psychologist and deal with your fears.

Something like this. Meet for health!