2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Disappointment. First meeting.
“Look, do not disappoint me.” No matter how the tone of this phrase is said, it sounds threatening. It contains the threat of losing some important human experience about you. For example, admiration, respect or love. The most significant person in the world. - father or mother. Their disappointment is fatal and irreparable. It kind of draws the line, puts an end to the hope that someday you will be useful. That, sooner or later, you will be someone else. And then, finally, you can be accepted and loved.”Inside, familiar already, fear and feelings of loneliness and emptiness sprout.
Disappointment. Second meeting.
Over time, the child will inevitably become disillusioned with the parents. Finding the ability to think critically, he discovers that they, it turns out, are just living people. Like everything around. As well as himself.
The picture of the world is fundamentally changing. It takes time to find landmarks and learn to live in a new world. And at first, the discovery made causes protest and anger. And doubts whether it is possible to trust them, the parents, in this case. Do they know something about this life, about me, their child? Do they see me at all?
And the disappointment experienced irretrievably changes the relationship, destroying their ideal foundations.
This is how or approximately how we enter adulthood. We meet a person who becomes dear to us, and agree to a relationship with him.
Disappointment. Waiting for a meeting….
Inside ourselves, we are forced to be in the eternal pose of sprint readiness. Because in a relationship it is difficult to do without expectations at all. And then, the main thing is to comply. The main thing is not to disappoint. After all, disappointment entails the death of a relationship. Remember: “I left her (him) because she (he) disappointed me (-)”? This is due to the fact that, often, a person has in his experience the only model for responding to this very unpleasant internal process called “disappointment”: “throw out” a partner as a project that did not meet expectations. Moreover, if for some reason you cannot literally eliminate him from your life, you can close your heart from him, expel him, inappropriate, from your soul. Freezing in the state of "I am disappointed", one temporarily manages to protect oneself from the pain of the collapse of one's own picture of another, built on an unreliable foundation of one's own expectations.
The one in whom they were disappointed also got very sick. After all, he is forced to face his failure and worthlessness again. In other words, with burning self-shame. And this causes suffering. Of course, no one wants to suffer. Therefore, the risk of disappointment is a dangerous burden on the bundling of relationships. I really want to avoid it.
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So is disappointment always indicative of a wrong choice? I propose to expand my view of this experience. And to see in it the opportunities that it gives to relationships. First, of course, the experience of disappointment is like a hurricane that blows away everything in its path. Wastes space. Specifically, our inner space is freed from fantasies. About another person - his character traits, intentions, aspirations, beliefs, values, etc. Simply put, about his inner content.
Or fantasies about what a partner can give us, how to make our life.
And after all, if we meet with the fact that he does not meet our expectations, this does not automatically mean that the partner is bad. This means that our hopes have been shattered. And the fact that this happened, and prompts the discomfort experienced at the same time - disappointment. Everything.
And here you can not chop off the shoulder, but slow down and look around. To realize what actually happened. Actually. For this, it is important to first understand what aspirations have disappeared from me, what exactly I will not get. Then, perhaps more frankly, to answer to myself: I am with these expectations to a partner as to whom? Exactly as to another adult who is in a relationship with me, or as to my mom, dad, brother or someone else. Perhaps as to yourself? That is, check if I am at the address.
It often happens that confusion is revealed, an attempt to put a partner in someone's place.
For example, if we expect a partner to calm us down, to contain our feelings, then we endow him with a maternal function. If we need him to protect us from the dangers of the world - fatherly.
If we want the other to support our self-esteem or embody our missing traits, we have delegated our authority to him.
Will someone be able to become our mom, dad or our own incarnation? And why does he personally need it? And if the answer is no, does this mean that you need to break off relations and strive to find the right substitute in order to remain an eternal child?
Or use the experience of disappointment in order to check reality and, if necessary, learn to be oneself and a mother, and a father, and a support? And after that I decide whether I need this particular partner …
Author: Savchuk Olesya
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