Partner Psychopath, Why Can't You Build A Healthy Relationship With An Unhealthy Person?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Relationships are only 50% dependent on ourselves. The remaining 50% is the responsibility of our partners. We can act flawlessly in terms of the rules for building effective communication, but if we are paired with a psychopath or narcissist, then it's all useless. The quality of our relationship is highly dependent on the quality of the people with whom we surround ourselves.

With an attentive and loving man, a woman turns into a queen. Her eyes shine with happiness, a pleasant smile plays on her face, she is relaxed, attractive and charming. But if her partner is angry and critical, then the woman becomes like a hedgehog. Her beauty and femininity fades. When choosing her partner, a woman actually chooses her mood and destiny for herself and her children.

The same principle applies to men. If his woman knows how to rejoice at what she has and supports him, then the man strives to develop and achieve something in life. But with a tough and devaluing woman, a man is constantly in anxiety, and his vitality is no longer enough for something interesting and great in life.

If you suddenly realize that in your relationship with your partner you feel bad, you constantly feel emotional pain or depression, your partner's actions seem malicious and bring more grief than joy, then you should think about the fact that this partner is not suitable for you.

There are several types of partners who, in a relationship, can significantly harm mental and physical health. Today I will talk about psychopaths.

A psychopath is a person who has psychopathology. It manifests itself in such character traits as a disdainful attitude towards the feelings of loved ones, undeveloped empathy, the inability and unwillingness to understand another person, self-centeredness, lack of the ability to repent and admit their mistakes. They are not able to experience deep emotions (love, affection, guilt), but they are excellent at imitating them. Those. having committed an offense, he will try to make amends for his offense in order to remove the heat of passions, but he will not draw any conclusions for the future, but will act as it suits him. As a rule, psychopaths do not resort to physical violence, as they know how to artificially manipulate the feelings of loved ones. Also, psychopaths have a good charm and know how to charm the victim. But they do it for about the same as boas, hypnotizing rabbits. More than 10% of the population, if they are not clinical psychopaths, then they exhibit psychopathic traits, which brings significant harm to conventionally healthy people who are in a relationship with them.

It is quite difficult to break a relationship with a psychopath, because all the time you want to believe that he will change, that the relationship will improve and the idyll of the first months of the relationship will return. The psychopath's parterre is often in illusion, because the psychopath is very good at playing it. But it's really important to face the truth and understand that it is impossible to wait for healthy reactions from an unhealthy person, just as it is impossible to get carrot juice from an apple. The longer this relationship lasts, the more pain and resentment accumulate. It is impossible for a psychopath to explain that some of his actions bring you pain and suffering. It is also impossible to teach him a lesson or prove something to him. He is not able to put himself in the place of another person due to the egocentric structure of his worldview, which is based on the idea that only he should like everything, and only he should be comfortable. The surest way to keep yourself in a relationship with a psychopath is to give it up as soon as you begin to realize that you are worse off with him than being alone. Unfortunately, despite their charm, psychopaths find it difficult to build real, emotionally deep relationships with loved ones. Instead, they create and manipulate the illusion of a relationship.

Psychopaths are passive-aggressive people, and most often they are attracted to such potential partners who are full of energy, know how to enjoy life, are easy to communicate and sensitive. The aggressor, like a parasite, wants to get at least some of this for himself, but at the same time weakens and poisons the victim. In fact, it is a mistake to think that a psychopath will choose a tattered gray mouse, which will be an easy prey. Most often, they seek to charm and enter into relationships with women who have a high level of development, namely:

- well-developed empathy, ability to empathize, - the desire and need to build deep relationships and affection, - sentimentality, - desire to avoid conflicts, smooth corners and seek compromises.

A codependent relationship with a psychopath follows this pattern:

1. He charms and falls in love with a woman.

2. Searches for weak points in the shell of the inner I by means of manipulation.

3. Subdues the psychic space of a woman and devastates it.

4. Takes pleasure in the acquired power over another person by hurting him. Realizes his sadistic needs.

Moreover, it is important to note that before a relationship with a psychopath, most often the girl was interesting, successful, self-confident and purposeful. She was not prone to self-deprecation before.

In order to understand the quality of your relationship, it is enough to ask yourself the question "Is it good for me?" The answer "bad" is already a serious signal, so it is important to think about how to change your state. One option is to go to a psychologist together and figure out what is bothering you. Both parties are responsible for the relationship. One makes mistakes and the other lets it happen. Therefore, if your partner offends you, humiliates, lies, betrays and deceives you, then this is already a reason for radical changes in life. In fact, it doesn't matter what kind of person is next to you - how good, kind, promising he is. What matters is how we feel in these relationships. Here are some questions to help clarify the situation:

- Who am I next to him?

- What does he say about me? What does he think of me?

- How does he allow himself to behave around me?

- What will happen to me and my children in the future if it continues and gets worse?

Everything else is, in fact, insignificant.

If your partner's words cause you pain and tears and this is repeated from time to time, then you are not such a sensitive crybaby, it is he who deliberately destroys you. If he does not seek to hear you, but does as he pleases, accusing you of something, then in fact everything suits him. And you, exhausted and addicted, are very comfortable with him. He neglects, competes, lies and devalues you because he was born and raised that way, and not because you somehow provoked such reactions with your behavior. And the sooner you understand this, the faster and easier it will be to get rid of it. The psychopath is incapable of love, but he is very adept at using those who love him. This fact cannot be changed, one should not cling to illusions and believe in omnipotent love. It was only in fairy tales that she turned sullen monsters into handsome princes. In real life, it will devour your self-esteem, dignity and ability to adequately perceive yourself and what is happening. Therefore, let's stop believing in our own power to change another person. This is beyond our power. It is much more effective to direct your energy towards yourself, your goals and start making yourself happy.

In a relationship with a psychopath, the principle of "endure and fall in love" is the most harmful thing that you can think of. The more we bend over, close our eyes, suppress our feelings and forgive, the stronger the emotional outburst in the finale will be. And it will be very good if the boiling point is anger, a grand scandal and a break in relations, and not quiet despair on the verge of suicide.

5 dirty tricks of a psychopath:

1. Honey, it's all your fault

As a rule, psychopaths do not want to take responsibility and delve into the problem. Therefore, they will level your feelings and needs in order to please completely different values. For example, "Darling, why are you getting turned on, don't ruin the evening!" He did not become interested in the reasons for your discontent, although this could be for objective reasons, but made you guilty.

After a while, he will shift responsibility for everything that happens in your life to you:

- he can't move up the career ladder? It is you who are to blame for inspiring him incorrectly.

- Does he have a lot of debts? It is your fault, you are not helping him earn.

- does a pretty stranger call him? It's your fault, you don't know how to behave like a woman and bring fresh air and ideas into the atmosphere.

- does he have problems with friends? It's your fault because you filled his whole life.

Let me give you another striking example. In a restaurant, your man sits with his back to you and doesn't even try to keep the conversation going. He just stares at the other diners in the restaurant, ignoring your presence. He's doing great. You try to get his attention, then you regret it, because in fact it is you who are to blame. This is your hysteria or schizophrenia. Your fevered imagination draws unreal pictures. After all, there the door just creaked, and he turned to look. And you already find fault with him. It does not even occur to him to think about his behavior, even if there is no door at all. And if you do not say anything to him, in response to such an outright ignorance on his part, he will still find a reason to accuse you of being in a bad mood. He may even start laughing at your feelings, claiming that he was just talking politely to the waitress. Reading these lines, an outside observer may experience a wave of indignation, and the desire to never communicate with such a savage again. But the girl, being in a relationship in him, really begins to doubt her adequacy. After all, he speaks about it very confidently and calmly. In addition, those around him consider him a charming person and think that you are very lucky with him.

But in fact, it is impossible to find an adequate justification for such behavior. An even bigger mistake is trying to take the blame. This person behaves this way not because he is “a disabled person traumatized in childhood, who will be saved by love,” but because it is so beneficial and convenient for him. Therefore, you should not look for excuses for him, and give him a chance. It will only get worse from now on. The only escape route is to leave this relationship.

Psychopaths whose wives were caught cheating, instead of admitting their guilt, accused their spouses of following them, violating their personal boundaries, rummaging in the phone that it is very dirty and mean, and that only the KGB does this.)))

2. Honey, are you okay?

The psychopath often leads his partner to the fact that she begins to doubt her thoughts and feelings. This technique is called gaslighting.

Here's an example from the life of a girl:

“Once I found out that my husband was cheating on me because he forgot to close his mail. When I told him about this find, it became the cause of a huge scandal. “How could you only think such a thing! Yes, this is complete nonsense! You don’t trust me at all, and that’s what is destroying our marriage! I endure so many things, do so many things, and this is your gratitude - slander !? He shouted. And you know, after a few days of such accusations, I began to doubt what I saw."

When a psychopath has no arguments to justify his actions, he begins to come up with them, make you doubt yourself and your feelings. He begins to assure you that you have mental disorders, schizophrenia, that you are insane, grumbling, suspicious and angry. And that every person to whom you tell this situation will confirm this. Although, in fact, your reaction is completely healthy and adequate, and you correctly discerned the wolf teeth from under the sheep's skin.

For every adequate claim, the psychopath will find the cause of the problem in you. “Unhappy in your marriage? - this is due to the fact that you are a bad wife, you do not know how to appreciate what you have! " “Are you dissatisfied with the relationship? - this is because you are toxic and do not know how to build them! " “Are you bad with me? - this is because you were already born this way and you will not feel good with anyone, I still endure you, and others will not …"

3. Honey, you just don't match …

Psychopaths know that they are insignificant and that their partner can give them a head start in many aspects of life, so they try their best to destroy your self-esteem and feel better that way. It is important for him to ensure that you do not even dare to think that you deserve something better. Even if he chose for a relationship a self-confident girl who has bright eyes, has life goals and prospects, and she is bathed in male attention, he will still systematically carry out partisan work to destroy your personality. He will make you feel miserable, stupid, hysterical, sick, as well as instill in you the idea that without him you will be lost. He can say that he does not see you as a worthy mother for his children, that you have sex 2 times a month for 2 minutes because you are not out of bed, to put it mildly. And the fact that you feel bad next to him is your problem, and you also need to say thank you to him that he tolerates you. He doesn't care that something scares us, that there is not enough money even for travel, and that your future is very vague. The psychopath truly believes that you have to be stylish and sexy candy despite working two jobs, big loans, lack of funds even for a manicure, sleepless nights and regular tears due to humiliation on his part. After a while, you begin to believe that he is right, that you are the problem link in the pair, and that you need to hold on to him because nothing better in life will shine for you anymore.

One client of mine, who has been in a relationship with a psychopath for a long time, described her marriage as follows:

- I do everything myself, even for him, and despite this, everything is not so for him. O told me that I do not cook deliciously, and he cannot eat it. After I learned how to cook well, he began to resent me that because of this he was gaining weight. He taught her the life of her life at every step and demanded obedience, and refused all her requests because “Why on earth should he? He was not employed here! And the demand cannot be achieved, you need to make him want to do it. " He didn't have sex with me, but he regularly watched porn in the bathroom and masturbated. I tried different ways to bring the light back into our sex life, but nothing worked. He wanted me to deserve sex with my good behavior, create the right mood for him, dance a striptease in stockings, get excited in a minute and finish the same way. And if I could not seduce, then that's all … I endured for weeks, tried to deserve good behavior, but this did not give results and led to a scandal. And now he is a new reason not to love me because I am hysterical. I lived with him for 10 years and solved all the problems myself. He has infertility - we will do IVF, there is not enough money - I go to a second job, I need to nail a nail - I call the service "Husband for an hour." He didn’t seem to hold me, all the time hinting that I wasn’t what he needed, but he didn’t leave either. And I stubbornly tried everything to save the marriage. But instead, it's time to save yourself!

4. Honey, you don't need this

Any choice you make in the eyes of a psychopath is complete nonsense. Your specialty and job, unless of course he chose it for you, does not suit you. Business - takes too much of your time and attention, the secretary is not promising, the cashier in the store is not solid, etc. As a result, he will offer you to wash the floors in the entrance, and then he will find a reason to find fault. And if you decide to complain, then he will immediately tell you all your shortcomings and turn society against you in your very eyes. He will also, under various plausible pretexts, try to isolate you from your environment. He will forbid you to complain to your parents about him, arguing that there is nothing to wash dirty linen in public. He will also criticize his friends and say that they envy your "Happiness", and you need to communicate with them less. He will devalue your acquaintances because they affect you badly, because he cannot allow adequate feedback from those who care about you to weaken his sweet networks. The ideal option for a psychopath is to take his wife with him to a place where she will have no one but him, so that no one will interfere with his brainwashing.

5. Darling, I can, but you can’t

Double standards are at the core of psychopathic behavior. Moreover, it depends only on his mood whether he will admire or criticize, no other adequate criteria will be valid here. His values and beliefs are not stable. Today he will tell you how much he loves you, and tomorrow he will devalue everything that has to do with you. If his acquaintances girls talk about you in an impartial tone, then there is nothing terrible, people will not just talk like that. But if you express your dissatisfaction with such a dismissive attitude towards you, then these are strange whims on your part. But if you make friends among men, then the psychopath will immediately criticize him and demand that you get rid of him. As they say, what is allowed to Jupiter is not allowed to the bull. This is the motto in dealing with a psychopath. He considers himself a king who deserves the best in this world, you need to know your place, sit and keep quiet.

I have described a relationship in which a man is a psychopath, but among women there are also such "Queens". A friend of mine was throwing tantrums on her boyfriend for several days because he greeted his classmate at the store. And then after 2 weeks she consulted with me on how best to organize a meeting with her lover.

The psychopath deliberately trains his partner to be comfortable with him, while the wishes and needs of the partner are not taken into account at all. Only a psychopath has the right to love, freedom, fidelity, justice and reliability. And if the victim's environment does not agree with this, then they will be skillfully cut off from communication with their loved one. The psychopath confidently lies, even if he knows that his partner knows the truth, and surprisingly, after a while, the partner begins to doubt what he saw or heard. This is called gaslighting. Most often, such tyrants fall into the clutches of people who are very thirsty for love, who have developed empathy, the ability not to be selfish, to put oneself in the place of another, and also to be patient for the sake of a "bright future". They rely on their partner and are ready to be deceived, they have low self-esteem and are susceptible to suggestion.

It is important to note that if you are told that you saw not white, but black, do not believe it. You are being deliberately deceived. It is possible not to distinguish between gray and light gray, something is not correct to understand, but it cannot be fundamentally different. Trust yourself.

If you doubt what you saw and feel, then a psychologist's consultation will help. A specialist will help you gain faith in yourself and fight back in such a way that your rights and desires are reckoned with.