10 Signs Of Unhealthy Addiction Versus Normal And Healthy

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

We decided to write about dysfunctional and addictive relationships and how to distinguish them from good and happy ones. Someone may ask: is it not obvious by itself? Is it so hard to know if you are in a good relationship or a bad one?

The answer is difficult.

If you are in a desperate situation, if you have nowhere to go, if there are no people nearby who could understand and support you, if you have learned by any means to convince yourself that what is happening to you is normal, and especially if you have taught yourself systematically disconnecting and not feeling pain - then it will be very difficult for you to understand what kind of relationship you are in. Even if this relationship is like hell.

Therefore, this article is addressed primarily to people who are in bad and destructive relationships right now. Perhaps this text will help you better understand what is happening, promptly seek help from a specialist and cope with the situation. This is also an article for those who were once in a similar relationship, but managed to get out of them - it will most likely be useful for such readers to understand what exactly happened to them in the past, and what you need to pay attention to in order not to be in a similar situation in the future. And finally, this is an article for coaches, psychologists and psychotherapists who want to understand what an addicted relationship is and what processes occur in them.

About addiction

Let's clarify right away: when we talk about relationships in this article, we mean different relationships. Not only personal, but also any other - business, friendship, family, business partner relationships, etc. Any of these types of relationships can become bad and destructive, and all 10 signs will appear in them, which will be discussed below. Despite the fact that in personal, intimate relationships, these signs are manifested especially clearly, the mechanisms are identical for any relationship. (It is also important to clarify that the terms "codependency" or "codependent relationship" are often used in the literature - this is how they usually characterize a relationship with a person who has some kind of addiction. In this article we will use the broader term "dependent relationship", which includes the concept of codependent relationships).

Let's also say a few words about addiction in general. Very short to clarify some general points.

The reason for any addiction is that we shift responsibility for our internal state to something external. Here's a very simple example. Let's say there is an internal state of relaxation and tranquility, but a person cannot get into it just like that, at will - then he comes home, opens a bottle of beer, drinks and relaxes. As long as we have many options to choose from, we are free. For example, to relieve tension and relax after work, you could go to yoga, or meditate, or play football with friends, or go to a massage session, or work with your condition in a session with a coach. Addiction becomes destructive when we lose all other ways of getting into the desired state, and we have only one at our disposal - in this case, alcohol.

The same thing happens with relationship addiction. Only the desired state and the satisfaction of important needs we associate not with an action or a substance, but with a person. We project onto another our own qualities, which, as it seems to us, we ourselves lack, and then we begin to believe that we will not find these qualities anywhere except in this person. Only this person will be able to protect us, will love us, give us support in life, etc. The more we believe in this, the more we lose the ability to satisfy our needs in a different way, not only through this person, and the more dependent relationships become. And, as with any addiction, over time, what worked before, already begins to harm us. At first, alcohol helped to enter the desired inner state, but if the addiction progresses, then the whole life begins to roll downhill, and there is no trace of a good inner state. Likewise in relationships - hopes for happiness, love, support, etc. eventually turn into despair, depression, anger, disappointment.

At the same time, we note, nevertheless, that addiction in a relationship is not something unambiguously bad. A normal level of addiction is essential for a relationship, otherwise we would not be able to form long-term, stable emotional bonds and attachments. Problems arise when addiction becomes excessive.

In order to be able to notice destructive tendencies in relationships in time, and to be able to distinguish healthy relationships from addicted ones, you need to know about 10 signs of addictive relationships.

1 confused responsibility

In a healthy relationship, each participant is primarily responsible for his own condition and the satisfaction of his needs (material, emotional and existential), without trying to take on more or shift responsibility to another. Everyone is responsible first of all for himself.

In a dependent relationship, responsibility is confused. We want someone to take responsibility for our safety, material well-being and happiness. Or they themselves tend to take excessive responsibility for the other. In some respects, this manifests itself in the distribution of responsibilities. For example, a woman expects that a man will provide her financially and support, and for this she will be responsible for the house, everyday life and children - this is a typical example of confused responsibility, albeit so widespread that it is almost a variant of the norm. In more severe cases, we shift responsibility for all aspects of our well-being to our partner, or we ourselves assume responsibility for saving the other. Or, which is also quite common, both at the same time. For example, a woman can save an alcoholic husband for years, suffering in this relationship, but hoping that sooner or later the husband will quit drinking and take responsibility for her and her family.

2. Blurred boundaries

In a healthy relationship, we are sensitive to the psychological and physical boundaries of our partner and are able to assert our boundaries. We feel in time when our actions or words overstep the boundaries of what is permissible for another person. At the same time, we ourselves are well aware of our boundaries and are able to say “no” at the moment when we do not like what the other person is doing or saying. This principle works the same in all areas. In the field of sexual relations, it is the ability to say “no” in a timely manner if a partner offers something that does not suit us. In business, it is our ability to defend our point of view in a relationship with a business partner.

In a dependent relationship, boundaries blur. We lose the ability to understand where my territory ends and another person's territory begins. A merger is formed, in which we often follow one of two scenarios: we either sacrifice our needs and independence and lose the ability to say no - and then our boundaries are systematically violated; or we ourselves, not meeting resistance, are increasingly violating the boundaries of another person and depriving him of the right to independence. These destructive processes develop gradually and can go very far, up to the complete loss of boundaries.

3. Role hierarchy

In a healthy relationship, everything is very simple - they are built on an equal footing, from the "adult - adult" position. Most of the time, participants in such relationships manage to respect their partner, reckon with his opinion. In such a relationship, we always come to terms with each other as two independent adults. We are forced to seek a compromise, although this is not always pleasant.

In a dependent relationship, polarization occurs. Child-parental roles are included in us - one of the partners takes the role of a defenseless and weak child, the second becomes a strong, caring adult. At first, such a game can be quite pleasant and exciting - the dominant partner feels his power and strength, the subordinate - cozy security and the absence of the need to decide anything, because the chief will take care of everything. But if such a distribution of roles becomes fixed and becomes chronic, then a rigid hierarchy of dominance-subordination is built in the relationship. In such conditions, an adult turns into an aggressor, and a child - into a victim. A strong hand very quickly begins not to defend, but to cripple, because the lower partner has lost the ability to defend their boundaries, and the upper, without encountering resistance, can no longer cope with uncontrolled aggression. This is how domestic physical violence develops in family relationships and psychological violence in friendships and business.

4. Prohibition of awareness and expression of feelings

In a healthy relationship, feelings are legalized, and partners are free to talk to each other about their emotional reactions. At the same time, all feelings, both positive and negative, have been legalized. Partners are able to directly express annoyance, resentment, jealousy, and other emotions to each other the moment they experience them, without over-suppressing or ignoring their reactions. With this approach, negative emotions do not stagnate, but circulate freely in a couple and heal the relationship: relying on their emotional reactions and the reactions of the other, partners build boundaries and learn to negotiate. Ideally, this brings more positive experiences into the relationship - it becomes easier for partners to experience and show true positive feelings towards each other - love, gratitude, respect, interest, etc.

In a dependent relationship, emotions are suppressed. It is forbidden or unsafe to talk about your true reactions. An honest conversation about feelings and experiences is perceived as impossible or unacceptable. Moreover, in such a relationship, there is often a prohibition not only on the expression, but even on the awareness of their feelings. As a result, partners systematically suppress their emotional reactions, deposits of unprocessed, unexpressed negative emotions accumulate in the relationship. Therefore, from time to time, uncontrollable emotional outbursts occur - quarrels, scandals, episodes of violence, etc. However, they do not lead to a real resolution of emotional stress, but only exacerbate the situation, since feelings of shame and guilt are added to the accumulated negative experiences, which, in turn, are also suppressed and further poison the relationship.

5. Distorted communication

This is a particularly indicative and at the same time difficult to diagnose point for a layman, so we will dwell on it in a little more detail.

In a healthy relationship, communication is direct, open, honest. In it, we interact as adults, independent people, each of whom is ready to accept the position and point of view of the other. At the same time, a significant part of communication takes place about feelings - we designate our emotional reactions and the needs behind them. We talk about what is important to us, without trying to explicitly or covertly manipulate a partner.

Distorted communication forms in dysfunctional and dependent relationships. We are not in contact with ourselves and therefore cannot contact another. We do not say what we actually feel, we do not directly state our needs, so we can only more or less unconsciously manipulate our partner, trying to "bring" him to the desired decision or behavior. Due to being cut off from feelings, we poorly understand our desires, but unconsciously strive to realize them, therefore, a splitting occurs in communication, the indicator of which is the so-called double bindings.

A double bind is a communication message in which two conflicting requirements or commands are simultaneously broadcast. The first to describe double bills was Gregory Bateson. He believed that double binds were the cause of schizophrenia (he even coined the term "schizophrenogenic mother" to refer to women whose communication with their children was replete with double binds). Subsequently, the theory about the determining role of double binds in the development of schizophrenia was not confirmed, but it was found that double binds are an important sign of a dysfunctional and destructive relationship. Prolonged exposure to a double bind relationship leads to stress and chronic psychological trauma (“lasting trauma”).

So what is a double bind?

This is a situation in which two opposite things are required of us at the same time. Most of the communication in this case takes place on a non-verbal, semi-conscious level and, as it were, is “implied”. Parts of the message can be voiced partially or not at all, but at the same time they are present in the field and affect the person to whom they are addressed. Some examples of typical double bills:

In child-parent communication:

1. "It's high time for you to become independent and adult."

2. "You are still a child and you cannot live without our care"

In personal relationships:

1. "You must work harder to support your family."

2. "You should pay more attention to me and spend time with your family."

Or:

1. "You must be a beautiful woman and take care of yourself"

2. "You behave indecently when you let other men pay attention to you."

In business:

1. "You always interfere with your suggestions and try to control everything."

2. "You are irresponsible when you pay little attention to the project"

The double bind has several distinctive characteristics:

1. The two parts of the message contradict each other. This means that it is impossible to fulfill the requirements of one part of the message without violating the requirements of the second.

2. Therefore, no matter what part of the message you follow, as a result you are in any case bad. Therefore, each of the parts of the message can be reformulated as follows: "You are bad when …" or "You are bad if …"

"You are bad when you look bad and do not take care of yourself"

"You're bad when other men pay attention to you."

3. The special insidiousness of double binds is manifested in the so-called paralysis of awareness. It is experienced by a person who is the victim of a double bind. The conflict of requirements is supplanted, it is impossible to think about it. In other words, it is very difficult to notice a double bind if you do not know in advance what features of communication and relationships you need to pay attention to.

4. It is impossible to talk about double bindings with the person who broadcasts it to us. In this sense, the third part of the message is sometimes singled out - the unconscious prohibition on honest discussion of what is happening: "You are bad when you try to talk to me about my double bind."

6. Traumatized identity

Our "I" is formed in relationships with other people. As one of our teachers, Steve Gilligen, says, "We come into this world through other people."And not only in the physical sense, when two cells of our parents are connected, but also psychologically - when we are born, we do not yet have a personality, and the task of the first months and years of life is to form an ego and a healthy perception of ourselves. This happens only in contact with other people, first of all, with parents and people performing parenting functions (grandmothers, grandfathers, senior siblings, etc.). If we were lucky, and these first relationships were healthy and filled with love and support, then a healthy I and a positive image of ourselves are formed. If we spent the first years of life in a dysfunctional unhealthy relationship in which adults themselves were in a difficult psychological state, then our I will be deeply traumatized.

Surprisingly, similar processes occur with us in adulthood, only much more slowly and not so noticeably. Our Self is not only formed, but also continues to exist exclusively in relations with other people. This is confirmed by the numerous tragic stories of people who have remained in isolation for a long time - their examples testify to the fact that without human contact, the personality is destroyed. Today psychologists and neurophysiologists know that our I is not individual, but at least interpersonal - that is, it depends on relationships with important people, and at some level is a direct continuation of these relationships.

Therefore, how the most important people in your life see you influences the way you feel as a person. Simplifying a little, this rule can be formulated as follows. If an important person for you, with whom you are in a close relationship, work closely or even live in the same territory, thinks you are stupid, then you will start to become stupid. If you are considered unattractive, then you yourself will begin to be disappointed in your attractiveness and ultimately lose your beauty and charm. If colleagues and management consider you a bad specialist, then everything will start to fall out of hand, and at first you yourself will not understand where your skills and talents have gone, and then you will be forced to agree with them (unless you get out of this relationship in time). This is not mysticism, but a field effect based on a phenomenon called "mirroring" in psychoanalysis, and "sponsorship" in third generation NLP (not to be confused with material or financial sponsorship).

In a dependent relationship, we fall prey to so-called “negative sponsorship”. We are seen as weak, unattractive, incompetent, and incapable of anything - and as a result, if such a relationship continues for a long enough time, we ourselves begin to perceive ourselves that way, and this is how we become in reality.

In a healthy relationship, we get enough support, attention, and acceptance. We call this attitude at the level of identity "positive sponsorship." As a result, we are able to integrate those qualities and resources that another person sees in us, and they begin to manifest themselves in reality and life.

7. Poor internal state

In a healthy relationship, our condition is good most of the time. We experience mostly positive emotions for our partner - love, gratitude, tenderness, respect, etc. However, this does not mean at all that we are not upset at all, or do not quarrel with our partner. Quite the opposite, the ability to defend one's position, express aggression, conflict and constructively resolve conflicts are all characteristics of a healthy relationship. In such relations, the emerging conflicts and crises are not ignored, but are resolved in a timely manner, which allows the relationship to develop and move to a new level.

In a dependent relationship, most of the time we are in a bad state - depressed, depressed, anxious, embittered. At the same time, due to the influence of previous factors (confused responsibility, blurred boundaries, prohibition on awareness and expression of emotions, double binds, etc.), it is difficult for us to differentiate our feelings and relate them to needs. In other words, we feel bad, but we do not understand exactly what we are feeling and do not understand why. All that a person is capable of in such a state is to sleep for days or engage in routine unproductive actions.

However, considering a dysfunctional relationship as a cause of depression, or other mood disorder, it is necessary to exclude the influence of hormonal or other physiological factors, therefore, in such cases, it is necessary to consult a doctor. However, it should be borne in mind that with prolonged exposure to psychogenic factors, the hormonal background and biochemistry of the body are gradually rebuilt, therefore, with affective disorders in long-term dysfunctional relationships, psychological factors affect physiology, and physiology reinforces a negative emotional state and prevents psychological factors from being overcome. A vicious circle is formed, leading to a state of "learned helplessness."

8. Insulation

Healthy relationships support us and help us grow. Moreover, our life is not limited only to these relationships. In healthy relationships, we maintain family, friendships, and professional relationships outside of relationships. We live life to the fullest, communicate with people who are interesting and dear to us, and realize ourselves in areas of life that are important to us, in addition to relationships. We are included in social and professional communities and we do not face dilemmas - family or work, relationships with wife or friends. Healthy relationships harmoniously fit into our lives and do not isolate us from other people.

In a dysfunctional relationship, we fall out of life and lose the ability to find and receive support outside of the relationship. Gradually, our contacts with other people are reduced to a minimum, supportive family, friendships and professional ties are destroyed, and we find ourselves in isolation. This leads to the fact that people who could support us disappear from our lives. Often we cannot share with anyone what really happens to us in bad relationships, because we are afraid of feelings of shame, guilt, or simply think that people will not understand us. This further removes us from those around us and increases the feeling of loneliness.

9. Fear of getting out of a relationship

In a healthy relationship, we feel free to end the relationship at will. The only reason we continue to stay in these relationships is because we feel good in them and we ourselves want them to continue. In a good relationship, two people make a fresh decision to be together every day.

In a dependent relationship, we feel bad, but we do not feel free to leave - we feel that we are connected by this relationship. We have no choice but to stay in them, or the rest of the choices we see seem even less pleasant to us. For example, we are confident that the other person will not be able to cope without us, and that is why we make the decision to save him by staying with him in a relationship (confused responsibility). Or we ourselves are afraid that outside the relationship we will not be able to survive and cope with life. This is because our identity and ability to rely on ourselves by this moment are already traumatized, and the social connections that could support us outside of relationships are almost completely destroyed. Therefore, it is always scary to leave an addicted relationship, even if the pain and negative experiences are very strong.

10. Loss of faith in the future

From a healthy relationship, the future is perceived as positive and full of opportunities. We feel that we are free to choose our own path at every moment. We feel that we are the masters of our lives, and we believe that many bright and wonderful events await us in the future.

In a dependent relationship, due to the influence of all the previous factors, the future seems bleak and hopeless. We feel that in these relationships we are doomed, but we also fail to believe that everything will turn out well outside the relationship. There is a feeling that the best in life is already behind us, we feel like “waste material”. Such a loss of faith in the future is a consequence and an important indicator of a long stay in a destructive addicted relationship and does not depend on age - under unfavorable conditions, such a state may occur even at the age of 25, or even earlier.

Diagnosing relationships

All 10 factors that distinguish healthy relationships from dysfunctional and addictive ones, we have summarized in one table for clarity.

You can test your relationship and determine how healthy and harmonious it is (as we mentioned, it can be personal, family, business, friendships, or any other relationship). To do this, it is enough to evaluate each parameter on a scale from -10 to +10.

There are several rules that we recommend to follow when evaluating:

1. Evaluate honestly. Perhaps in your relationship, you are used to systematically ignoring or justifying some of your manifestations or actions of your partner. Use this test as an opportunity to honestly face the truth.

2. Evaluate intuitively. When answering, rely not only on a rational analysis of the situation, but also on the emotional reactions that arise in response to this or that parameter. Excessive rationalization often helps us to remain oblivious to the problem. And a relationship is primarily an emotional connection.

3. Estimate quickly. The answer you find within the first 30 seconds is likely to be the closest one to the real state of affairs. (However, this does not prevent you from passing this test again after a while, when you observe what is really happening in your relationship, and perhaps begin to notice more).

Important comment

Of course, there is hardly a perfectly healthy relationship in which all parameters would be at around +10. So far, unfortunately, we have not met such a relationship. But, fortunately, there are also very few ratios that would be at the very bottom of the scale for most parameters. The vast majority of ratios are roughly in the middle, ranging from -5 to +5 for most parameters. If your average result is higher, then you can congratulate yourself - you are in the lucky group. If it is lower, then, most likely, it's time to change something. It is also helpful to do this test at the same time as your partner, but independently of each other, and then compare the results. This is a good way to understand how your partner is evaluating your relationship and what is happening in it. Of course, ideally, with significantly different or negative results, the continuation of the diagnosis should be a constructive discussion of what is happening, or the couple's work with a family coach or psychotherapist.

What if I realized / understood that I am in a destructive addicted relationship?

Firstly, this question is too large-scale and critical to be competently answered within the framework of one article, even as voluminous as this one. In a future blog post, we will detail long-term therapeutic strategies for dealing with addictive and dysfunctional relationships. This will be an article addressed primarily to professionals - coaches, psychologists and psychotherapists.

Therefore, now the best recommendation we can give is to seek help from a competent specialist: a family therapist or a coach specializing in working with complex and dependent relationships. Without professional external help, it is often difficult to understand what is happening and make the right decision.

A specialist will help you, first of all, to decide whether it is worth working to improve relations (ideally, this should be a joint decision of both partners), or it is necessary to work on a gradual, most environmentally friendly way out of these relations. At the same time, it is important to understand that working with long-term neglected dysfunctional relationships is most often a long and gradual process, since for a safe exit from addictive relationships, on the one hand, the restructuring and healing of the client's inner world is necessary, and on the other hand, the restoration of supportive connections with the world. external.

Unfortunately, such work is never quick.