Why Aren't Clients Leaving Bad Therapists?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Why aren't clients leaving bad therapists?

Instead of the "therapist", one can substitute "lover", "teacher", "friend", "employer", "confessor", etc.

Why We Stay: Why is it so difficult to get away from the abusing therapist for those who have experienced childhood loss, neglect and neglect.

"Why didn't you just pick up and leave?" is the question most often asked to victims of poor therapists, and indeed to anyone who has spent many years in a violent relationship where they have their feet wiped about. People who are little familiar with the topic do not understand at all how one can endure violence against oneself and do nothing at the same time.

And then a therapist appears in the arena …

And after years of dreaming to be heard and seen, dreams of caring and paying attention to their needs, these wounded souls receive an hour a week with someone who sees, hears, understands and recognizes their presence in the world. With someone whose attention the whole hour is devoted only to them, and all that is required in return is simply to come and pay for the sessions. The therapists do not need to be cared for, they do not need to be gratified, they do not need to appear ideal for them. The therapist can show any of your emotions - tears, rage, clumsiness - and not be rejected at the same time.

If the therapist is competent and ethical, able to maintain therapeutic boundaries, then in the space of the therapeutic relationship, mental wounds receive a long-awaited opportunity for healing. With the help of this relationship and the support of the therapist, you can work through your childhood traumas and strengthen an inner, external sense of self and worth.

And an unproven and illiterate therapist begins to solve his psychological and financial problems at the expense of the client. The client may soon find that there has been a change of roles, and, as in childhood, he needs to take care of a certain parental figure again at the expense of his internal resources. What does a client do with a history of toxic childhood? The same thing that he did all his life - he begins to suppress and deny his feelings, suppress his needs and take care of the needs of the therapist for fear of losing the very attention and "love" that he so hoped for.

The therapist says to do something that is extremely inconvenient or uncomfortable - the client does it by stepping over himself. He learned all his life to be patient and endure any inconvenience for the sake of "love." The client begins to see the therapist's needs as much more important, more valuable, and more worthy of satisfaction than their own. The thought of losing hope of "love" again is so unbearable that the client is ready for anything.

At the same time, many clients feel special - those whom the Therapist singled out from all others for the realization of their personal needs. It feels like a great privilege and a sign of special value for the client. This is also a long-awaited realization of the dream "I am, I exist, I am special and valuable." The client feels chosen. And worst of all, he begins to defend such a therapist with all his might, feeling tremendous loyalty to him. Fulfilling all the therapist's requests and wishes that go far beyond the ethical client-therapeutic relationship seems like a small price to such clients for how valuable and loved they feel. And then, he doesn't do anything bad, as it seems to him. He just pleases his Favorite Therapist.

Even if the client gradually and very clearly began to understand that something extremely non-therapeutic and dangerous is happening, he still cannot leave, because it is impossible to give up the Dream of healing. It is literally more valuable than life, health and all the money in the world. And while you remain in this relationship, which gave hope for the Dream, the hope itself remains, regardless of the horror of everything that is happening in these relationships. But what if there is nothing left before the Dream comes true? You just need to be patient a little more … And then, after all, you can fix everything, talk to the Therapist, because he cares about us, he is a professional, he must understand what he is doing … You just need to convey to Him … And suddenly everything broke precisely because why am I so bad and worthless? Moreover, one cannot leave! We must continue to work on ourselves and improve ourselves! That's why we came to therapy!

And they remain in this relationship, from which it is necessary to flee for a long time, sparkling with heels. At the same time, dependence on such a therapist progresses, and the very thought of leaving seems not only difficult, but unrealistic. And even more so the thought of being left without those crumbs of hope that are given out once a week. And in general, to be left without a Therapist, without support, without support - even thinking about it is impossible without a panic attack.

And the client chooses to stay, endure and please the therapist, but from time to time a strong desire to pull himself out of this toxic relationship still appears. Sometimes it’s because this scratching sensation is overwhelming, that what’s happening in therapy is very wrong. Sometimes because the client feels hurt and angry. The client begins to think about how much one can serve the wishes of this therapist at the expense of his own needs. The client thinks about how much more to pay for a therapy that is not a therapy.

And so he gathers up the courage to discuss it with the Therapist. It often takes more than one week to get it. The client cautiously starts a conversation about stopping therapy, but cannot directly say "I want to leave," but asks the therapist for "permission to leave." The client wants to hear that the therapist understands the reasons and approves of this decision, because even to complete the therapy, such a client needs to hear the approval of his actions.

But toxic therapists are completely uninterested in losing the clients they wish for. In this regard, they do not want to change anything, and they know very well which buttons of fears, beliefs and desires must be pressed in order for the client to stay.

First, they will tell the client that they did everything solely for the good of that client. Or they will say that all the client's claims are nonsense, and the client, unfortunately, will swallow, because he himself would like to believe that this is nonsense. If the therapist says it's nonsense, then it's really nonsense, right?

Then they will tell you that it is a big mistake to stop therapy. You, the client, have done such a great job - how can you give up all this and leave? They may also add that they are worried about whether the client will cope on their own without their help. They, therapists, worry so much for him, the client - and they will certainly list all the client's weaknesses and fears. But how can a client believe in himself, if even his therapist does not believe in them?

And then there will be a carrot: therapists will assure the client that they will definitely help to heal and realize all dreams if the client continues to go to them for therapy. They will remind you that they know the client well and will support him, because the interests of the client come first to them.

The client, who so desperately needs a parental figure who can take care of him, gives up and stays … Even if one part of him yells "Run now!", The rest of him may desperately resist. Moreover, dependence on the therapist and his approval can develop into a chemical dependence on bursts of happiness hormones in the brain, when the client feels like he received crumbs of approval or love from the therapist. At such moments, there is a real euphoria that the client, most likely, has never experienced with anyone before. If the therapist begins to use the client to satisfy his sexual desires, the client's physical dependence grows exponentially. When the client is physically far from the therapist, enlightenment and clarity may come in his head, but when he is back again, everything is obscured by the fog of a chemical cocktail of addiction.

And the client remains …

Until the last ray of hope is extinguished.

Until there is so much rage to use that the rage pushes the client out of the relationship.

Until it is no longer possible to endure how you are being manipulated and used.

Until the pain of breaking this relationship begins to seem more bearable than the pain of having this relationship.

Until the therapist himself kicks out the client.

And when someone asks the very question “Why didn't you leave?”, It is important for the client to remember: he came to therapy for help, and in response to the abuse he did what life taught him - to endure and overcome. There were no other tools to cope with. If they were, I would leave without looking back. And the one whom you entrusted to help you took advantage of this, and this is not your fault.