How To Be Successful In Love

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

As a child, it seems that finding true love is not at all difficult, you just need to grow up and mature. But when we start to really grow up, we understand that "we were deceived" and everything is completely different

Love - this is not just a happy accident, although the element of luck plays an important role here. With age, it becomes obvious that creating a lasting relationship based on love requires a lot of work and understanding of the processes, first of all, in oneself. Where to start and what to pay attention to in this delicate issue, what depends on ourselves in finding our happiness, I will try to outline in general terms.

So, first deal with your parents. The popular thought "divorce your parents" doesn't seem to me to be literate. It is important not only to psychologically disconnect from your ancestors, it is important to understand the models that you inherit (adopt), and those roles that you automatically begin to play in your own relationships. And what I would like to emphasize - I do not believe that you can get rid of this baggage for good. You can never become a tabula rasa, a blank slate (we don't count lobtomy), and this is important to understand.

You cannot be a tree without roots. Here I have a little bit of mom, here a little bit of dad, grandfather, grandmother of Aunt Vasya … and this is all mine, and this is a part of me. I am not who I want to be, but who I am - this is called identity. And everything that is realized becomes subject and controlled, and something can be done about it. So, gradually studying yourself, you will understand what kind of partner you need, with whom you will be comfortable and what model of relationship you would like to have. At least in theory.

Then you go through life and practice happens. Being in an active, passive or hidden search, you observe yourself, your reactions to the opposite sex. At this stage, you start some kind of relationship, of varying duration and degree of depth. And every time you learn more and more about yourself, including what you would never have suspected of yourself! Sooner or later, you will stop at some option, perhaps quite consciously, or perhaps you simply cannot resist someone. And here the fun begins …

After a while (usually pretty soon), you will discover inconsistencies between your optimistic expectations and reality. And in order to stay in this relationship, and at the same time not destroy yourself, or not destroy your partner, you will have to go through one thing. You will have to admit that your partner is your mirror and that he is someone you deserve. In other words, learn to assign your projections, gentlemen!

The next level is recognize in a partner the person who is called upon (chosen by your unconscious!) to make you better (more mature, stronger, more complete) … Answer yourself to one simple, difficult question: why do you need this person? Why did he come into your life and why do you keep him in it? That is, it would not be bad to realize your responsibility for what is happening. The options “I’m not to blame, he himself came” or “I can’t live without him” do not work - this is the level of kindergarten, and it is too early for kindergarten to start a relationship.

When you finally made an inner choice for yourself to be with this person, you involuntarily begin to develop this relationship. And suffer if something doesn't work out for you. After all, not everything is so simple: even if you, in general, fit a friend, friction is inevitable. quarrels and conflicts in couples do not happen only with a certain degree of indifference, or in a merging relationship. But even in the latter case, it is just a time bomb … So, in order to reduce the risks of nervous exhaustion, it is important to study your partner thoroughly. Not only does he love, or not love, and what his philosophical views on life are - the most important thing is to understand his language of love! What does it mean? This means being able to read (between the lines) his messages to you, as the most charged person in his life. Direct messages to the main person about the most vulnerable needs are the therapist's utopian dream, this is very rare in life. Because we are all wounded, or almost all of us, and to say so easily that you really need and it is important, without fear of being rejected, is for many on the verge of fantasy. Therefore, sometimes it is worthwhile to show empathy and help: offer it yourself, share the same difficulty with yourself, tactfully keep silent when necessary … It is also important to maintain regression, and for this you will be very grateful.

And one more thing: respect the speed of your chosen one. For some reason, he may not be on the same wavelength with you, it sometimes happens. True, if your oscillation frequency is too different, according to some basic characteristics, and this is quite obvious, then you will have to suffer all your life … Think once again if you can put up with it.

And so, after the stage of doubts and grinding, sooner or later - for everyone in different ways - the phase of real rapprochement begins. And, as you know, this is an ordeal for those who have problems establishing and living intimacy. Many, too many, do not go through this intimidating stage and either run away from the relationship altogether or fall into counter-dependent behavior. If this is about you, then in order to reduce the number of unhappy people on the planet, you should face your fears and overcome them. All this is perfectly solved with the help of psychotherapy. And this is your personal task, your partner is not your psychotherapist. If you are just the one who is lucky to deal with such an elusive type … then go back in the text a little earlier and ask yourself again: why do you need this particular person so much?

But to be honest, such crises in relationships are repeated, in cycles in a spiral, each time throwing a couple into a new round of relations, which is preceded by a phase of some cooling. Over the years, affection for each other grows and it cements any, even bad, relationships. However, on the other hand, over the years, boredom also grows, and it undermines any, even good relations … I myself have not yet lived up to this place and therefore I will not theorize here. Only one thing I know for sure: a relationship with an uneven distance remains fresh for much longer. And if you are not afraid of alienation and uncertainty, you know how to pause and fill your life with meaning - everything will be wonderful for you!