2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Few of us at a certain time were not asked the question: "Well, when will you get married (will you marry)?" Omitting the topic of tactlessness and violation of borders by this question, I will say that this question in my youth simply infuriated me every time. What can you answer to a person? Tired of answering, I just sighed heavily. Everyone interpreted my sigh in their own way, and this was their answer.
Such a question implies the opinion that everything should be in marriage. And if you are outside of it, then something is wrong with you. This was especially true for women. Whether you want to get married or not, this is not considered at all. Many people are still firmly convinced that "all women want to get married." Exactly, not all. There are women who consciously choose freedom from "marriage bonds". Why is a topic for another article.
Not so long ago a new client came to me with the question "Why am I not married?" It is not often that you come across just such a formulation of a request to a psychologist. More often it sounds specifically, "HOW to get married." Now for this answer you can turn not only to a psychologist, but even to Alice or Google. But the "why" …
Indeed, why does it happen: an accomplished woman, clever and beautiful, "everything is with her" - but there is no family? This is exactly the option when he wants to start a family.
In reality, there can be as many answers to this question as there are women. Each has its own reasons. But there are common pain points that are closely related. More precisely three. I took them out of my practice and share them with you.
The first the reason when, on an unconscious level, the state of being “married” is considered something dangerous. Quite simply, it's scary to get married.
These fears grow from parenting experience, or from their negative experiences of past relationships.
Divorce of parents or the death of one of them, family scandals, abuse, humiliation - who willingly will agree to this a second time?
Your negative experience can often be about the fear of rejection when "they don't love me." It is very painful. A woman, fearing that she will be rejected by a man, chooses a way to reject herself. Rejection in the form of a ban on marriage to oneself.
Even if outwardly she is looking for a new partner, the fear of going through that pain again will be stronger.
The second a painful point looks like a woman's search for not a husband-partner, but a husband-father. The search for a husband-father is about an unclosed childish conflict with a mother, echoes of the Electra complex.
In adulthood, this is how the situation looks when a man leaves for another woman. Here the thought may arise that “I am not important, but another woman has become important, her interests and desires. Her requests and needs will be met. And who will satisfy my desires and needs?"
And then you have to take care of your own interests, to satisfy your desires. Buy yourself diamonds and a car. Take yourself to the sea by yourself. And if “I don’t know how or I don’t want to,” then this is about our children's part, the inner Child. He does not want to take responsibility for life, because this is the lot of an Adult or a Parent. Think back to Eric Berne's Parent-Adult-Child diagram. She explains a lot.
Ideally, this is about meeting basic needs that an adult should be able to satisfy on his own. Any "want" means "I don't have enough." And if your unconscious thinks that something is not enough for you, then you cannot get married, there you need to share - with your husband, children. How to share if you don't have enough? So first you need to learn to understand what role (Parent - Adult - Child) I want to get married and learn to cover my basic needs.
The development and change of the script goes through psychotherapy, so one cannot do without the help of a psychologist. Yes, and your experience of past relationships must be let go, having previously healed mental wounds.
Well third the reason is the benefit. When to be unmarried on an unconscious level is more profitable or more comfortable than being married. The unconscious fear of losing this benefit will keep us from walking down the aisle.
Follow the thought. For example, if I get married, then in marriage I will not be able to devote time to myself, my development, work, entertainment. This is important to me.
Another similar scheme - if I get married, then I will have the whole life on me. You will have to cook, wash, clean - after all, the house should be clean, comfortable and tasty. But I do not like and do not want to do this. I will get very tired and feel bad about it.
Someone will say that a lot is decided by the presence of assistants. But there are also excuses - hiring an au pair is expensive. Or “I’m not worthy to be spent so much on me… I’m not the one for whom you can.” This is about devaluing yourself. “I, as I am, have no value. I only become valuable when I do something useful: wash, clean, cook, etc."
This is where the values come into play. What is more valuable to you, your personal development or everyday life? Education? Money?
There are values other than everyday life. There are dozens of them, and each has its own: career, children, freedom, spirituality and much more.
When we go into marriage without knowing our values, we and our partner have nothing to offer. Relationships will be built vertically, Parent-Child, where the Child is a consumer, he only has “I need it, give me”.
Normal strong relationships are built horizontally Adult-Adult, where the Adult understands what he has of values and what he is ready to share with another adult.
Our unconscious is arranged in such a way that it cannot let us go where it will be bad, therefore it does not choose marriage. It chooses for us only what is “good” in its opinion. This is essential for survival. Why does the body need to spend extra strength? And it turns on the power saving mode.
If our idea of marriage sounds like “I have to behave there in some way that I don’t like,” then we definitely will not get there.
When a person does not want to get married, there are a thousand excuses in the form of external reasons!
Of course, these examples may not apply to you in any way. Then ask yourself the question, how is my current position beneficial to me? Write at least ten points. Are you ready to part with this?
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