THREE REASONS WHY IN SERIOUS LOVE RELATIONSHIP To Approach The Beginning Of INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP Should Still Be Sensible And Very Careful

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

There are three reasons why, in a serious love relationship, one should nevertheless approach the beginning of an intimate relationship intelligently and very carefully.

The first reason. The unpredictability of love relationships

With your hand on your heart, answer yourself: starting one or another intimate-love relationship, do you always immediately and exactly know what kind of relationship you will have:

• - fleeting on vacation;
• - partying (for walking together in clubs and bars at someone else's expense);
• - especially for intimacy (if the partner is too good in bed);
• - training (to obtain the necessary skills of love communication while you are still very young);
• - career or materialistic (in order for a man to help you better arrange your life);
• - or really serious (with the prospect of the subsequent creation of a family).

And if you're really honest and admit that

Starting their love relationships, men and women,

more often than not they still do not know how they will end and where they will lead

… this most likely means the following:

Perceiving this or that relationship as easy and non-binding, treating the upcoming intimate relationship as something self-evident, you can commit an act that will at first be perceived by everyone as completely normal within the framework of this particular format of relations, but which (unexpectedly for you) will later become a fundamental mistake in the event that your initially easy love relationship gradually becomes more than serious, unexpectedly for both of you will cause a strong feeling and a more or less conscious desire to be together.

♦ And I am telling you this quite authoritatively. Among those girls and women who turn to me as a psychologist, a fairly large percentage tell me almost stereotypical: “… You know, everything started out with us quite easily and even somehow recklessly. We met at the recreation center: he was resting there with his campaign, and we came there for the weekend as a team of our company … We met, danced, drank a lot … There was some wild and insatiable sex … Then we met for another six months when and how necessary. But since this summer, we both felt that there was something serious between us and began to truly value each other … how often I traveled with my team to recreation centers and how many people I still know in the city like him … And I feel like a complete fool and I don't even know what to say to him … I didn't think that everything would turn out like this, How did it happen!.

♦ Or here's another option: “I met my friend thanks to a friend. She and her friend (now her husband) invited me to the dacha with them, took with them a comrade of his friend. It was cool: a bathhouse, barbecue … my friend was enjoying her friend with might and main, so we, not being fools, did not waste time and also had fun "to the fullest." Then a relationship began, a year later we moved in and began to live in a civil marriage. Now we have been together for three years. And everything would be fine if it were not for the fact that he suppresses all my hints of marriage with the phrase: “Honey, please wait, I need to check you out better. Suddenly we get married, and you turn out to be some kind of unreliable … ". I ask him what he means, and he still blames me for my behavior in the country during our acquaintance with him. He says that with such a speed of our first sex, he now cannot be calm about the fact that I, at the first opportunity, will not instruct him with someone horns … And what will you order me to do now ?! It turned out exactly the way it happened …”.

What do we see in these and in many hundreds of others, in fact, fundamentally exactly the same situations? We see the same thing! More precisely, we see two very unpleasant things at once:

Unpleasant thing # 1

Girls and women suffer from the fact that they once too easily reacted to the beginning of sexual relations with a partner whom they did not initially take seriously, did not see him as a potential husband and therefore did not try to impress him as “inaccessible, reliable and all so positive."

Unpleasant thing # 2

Men regularly show amazing conservatism of thinking and practically do not admit the thought that a girl who went to establish an intimate relationship already during the first dates is in the future able to remain faithful to her beloved man, to be inaccessible to other applicants for her attention, to become an exemplary wife, mother and mistress.

♦ This trait in male thinking and behavior is one of the most unpleasant, if not the most unpleasant for ladies! When communicating with other men, there is such a feeling as if some kind of crowbar is stuck in their heads! Well, in their opinion, those ladies who went to have sexual contact with them quickly and immediately cannot be faithful, reliable and even generally … wives! Friends, mistresses, common-law wives (and sometimes even the mothers of their illegitimate children) - as much as you like! But real and worthy wives - sorry! This role is assigned only to the "correct" ladies, only to those girls and women who have become "difficult prey" for their partners, those who during the first weeks or months of communication stubbornly pretended that they were not interested in the sphere of sex at all! And as soon as such "wrong" and easily accessible ladies, after two or three years of seemingly absolutely standard love relationships, suddenly start a conversation about marriage, their men (completely before this "nothing like that" do not speak aloud) in their head suddenly seems to work some kind of protective mechanism, like some kind of psychological stopper! They immediately start a song, traditional for men, that they say they do not yet consider their ladies "proven" and "reliable", are not yet sure of the correctness of their choice and that they will be able to live together as one family … And any quite fair female exclamations about why all these years the man was silent about the fact that he divides all women into reliable and accessible, and refers the one whom he called his beloved precisely to the second, as if the sea waves are breaking against the stone coastal cliffs of the male answer: "… And you, dear, have never asked me about this before!"

Now take a breath and let your anger, like a flooded river, gradually return to its normal course. I am not a theorist. I am a practicing psychologist. And I know for sure: despite the sharpest female dissatisfaction with the fact that men are still naively trying to divide all women into accessible and inaccessible, into reliable and unreliable (and they do not at all understand that the same lady with different men can behave in a completely different way based on their goals) the men themselves in this matter, alas, cannot be altered! And therefore, to come up with naive ideas that one day all men will open their eyes wider and stop offending those whom they once seduced and then fell in love with, all sorts of reproaches and suspicions, personally, I definitely will not. I will not simply because from my point of view it is completely meaningless. And therefore, personally, I offer you a slightly different option.

Since only very few of the ladies immediately know for sure that their next love acquaintance and subsequent relationship will become fateful and end in marriage, it means that the most profitable tactic is to evaluate any starting relationship as potentially serious! Accordingly, ladies need to pay the most serious attention to where, how and when an intimate relationship will start, even if she devotes no more than ten percent out of a hundred to the emergence of a serious relationship.

In general, you get the idea:

Since no man is a seer and cannot know

what kind of love acquaintances will have serious consequences,

the most correct way of behavior is ladies' serious

attitude even to those acquaintances that seem

at first glance, even quite frivolous

However, we will talk about this in more detail in the practical recommendations for this chapter. In the meantime, we will continue our conversation about the reasons why, in a love relationship, one should nevertheless approach the beginning of an intimate relationship intelligently and very carefully. Let's talk about reason # 2.

The second reason. Belated jealousy that occurs during love and family quarrels

In order for you to understand what I mean by reason number two, I will give you two more incredibly standard situations:

Situation number 1. “… My husband and I have been married for three years. They were friends for a year before. We met at work. I worked in the sales area, he was our client, he bought something, drew attention to me and invited me to the cinema. Two weeks later, he invited me to his home, persuaded me to start having sex, and we spent the night with him. He was always delighted with me, always bragged to his friends how beautiful I am … When I specially “flew in”, he behaved like a man and immediately offered to sign. We have been living, as I said, for three years now. The child is two and a half. After I almost never left the house after his birth for more than a year, then I had a strong desire to communicate: I want to visit my friends, go shopping with them, go to gyms, I want to parties. But my husband does not let me go anywhere, he is wildly jealous, arranges scandals for me about my staples being prone to cheating. To my question, where did he get it from, he replies that in fact I was always prone to cheating and it was immediately clear at the moment when we slept with him for the first time, only he did not attach this importance then. But now he allegedly has grown wiser and considers it necessary to insure himself against the appearance of horns by not letting me go anywhere. Help me, tell me what to do in this situation?"

Situation number 2. “… I have been married for five years. All this time I was quite happy. I met my wife when I worked as a freight forwarder in one large campaign: she worked in my own company as an advertising manager. We were only after university, each lived with his parents, saved money and could not afford trips to suburban recreation centers or hotels. There was practically no place where we could stay together, and therefore we somehow did not go well with sex. When I, about a month after the beginning of our friendship (and we just knew each other for almost a year), I asked her to have sex in my company car, she jokingly said that there was very little space in this car and it would be much better if it will happen in some other car from our garage. Then a couple of days later I took the director's jeep and we had sex for the first time. Six years have passed since then, we are married, we have a child, but lately things in the company have gone worse and I have begun to earn less. My wife criticizes me for this, says that she hastened to marry me, it was necessary to find richer options … And personally, now I keep thinking: maybe her request to take a car more expensive was connected either with the fact that she had already had sex in the chef's jeep, or with him (or with someone else from the leadership), or in this request all her venality and readiness to quickly surrender to any man who can demonstrate to her that he is rich was manifested … After such thoughts, I stopped trusting her, began to be jealous, my soul all the time out of place, we have less and less sex … Apparently things will soon come to a divorce ….

I hope that both of these examples have already led you to the idea that when some quarrel or disagreement inevitably occurs between partners or spouses, one of them (in this case, men) may have a feeling that they are strong they made a mistake in their loved one from the very beginning, all this time they did not know him (her) well, they did not see certain unpleasant traits of his (her) character in time. And a very tragic afterthought for love and family relationships "… apparently, she was just like that right away, I just didn't understand it then because of my naivety …" the beginning of his sexual relationship with a girlfriend (wife). And it is here that conjecture and cheating begins, jealousy begins, scandals and squabbles begin. And there is only one way out of this situation:

An intelligent woman, counting on the creation of a serious love relationship, is simply obliged to exclude from the moment of the beginning of a joint sexual life all those moments that can later be rethought and reevaluated by her partner. exactly as a sign of its unreliability and availability.

Simply put,

Any sensible lady counting on the creation of serious

communication simply must in one way or another complicate the beginning

intimate life with a new partner

And how to do this, we will say a little below, immediately after indicating the third reason for the importance of all the circumstances of the first intimacy between partners.

The third reason. Long term human love and family relationships

The indication of the third reason is my direct answer to those respected readers who will begin to say that many girls and women personally know that they slept with their new acquaintance in the coming days (if not hours!) After they met, and then quite successfully married and they have been living together for several years now. I will not dispute the fact that all this actually takes place, and many ladies who hurried to enter into intimate contact with their new acquaintances at an accelerated pace, indeed subsequently successfully married them. However, my status as a practicing psychologist with many years of experience allows me exactly what ordinary men and women lack. Namely:

- to track various love and marriage situations precisely in development, to identify and fix certain nuances in the relationship of various couples for many decades: to see how, why and because of what they evolve and, alas, sometimes even completely collapse;

- have hundreds of love and married couples on their current control, and thus have a very large quantitative factual base. That, in fact, helps me to carry out those rather broad generalizations from a wide variety of social groups and age categories that ordinary citizens, objectively closed in their own social and age "cage", cannot do.

So, thanks to these two circumstances and the rather large factual base that I have already accumulated, I can draw my own author's unambiguous conclusion:

Big author's conclusion:

Couples in which men and women switched to intimate relationships only after two to three months of lovemaking (and preferably even after six months!), According to my observations, on average,

- they create families almost three times more often than those couples where intimacy arose already in the first days or weeks after they met

- almost twice less likely to get divorced in the first five years of family life

- almost three times less likely to get divorced during the first ten years of family life

- almost five times less likely to get divorced over a period of twenty years of joint marriage

And, in addition, in these couples during completely inevitable family quarrels, personal insults and beatings take place much less often

These are my numbers and observations! You can believe them, you can not believe them. You can take this into account in your personal and intimate life, or you can not. All this is your own business and nobody else's. However, as a practicing psychologist, I very much ask you to take into account the following: As I already said in the introduction to this book (according to the plan of Mother Nature), every living creature during its life should mate with as many of its fellow tribesmen of the opposite sex as possible … And all this is solely in order to participate in the production of as many children as possible with a wide variety of genetic combinations, who will be able to more flexibly respond to changes in the environment and, accordingly, survive. And the fact that modern people, thanks to more or less effective methods of contraception and reasonable self-restraint, give birth to children less and less, does not change anything in this genetically built-in behavioral program in us: Mother Nature unobtrusively provokes us to more and more love adventures and, accordingly, makes great efforts to ensure that destroy the love or family relationship we already have. Destroy, including by the method of belated presentation by men to their girlfriends of allegedly unworthy and easily accessible behavior during the onset of intimacy … with them themselves!

And since one of the main features of a person as a living being is not only a significant duration of his life (in comparison with most animals), but also his very extensive and stable memory - it is his long life, multiplied by a strong memory, that provides human couples with that very incredible a high level of conflict, which leads to the death of their love and family relationships (after all, even after decades, we always remember what animal partners would have forgotten long ago!).

Accordingly, to all those of my dear readers who:

• - while creating new love relationships, they do not yet know whether they will become promising or will be very short-term;
• - and, at the same time, are determined that their possible future family relationships have become long-term, stable and in no case have ended in divorce precisely because of her husband's belatedly negative rethinking of her behavior during the period of the beginning of the establishment of intimate relationships;
• … I can only give you one advice:

Planning to create your own successful love and family

relationship, do not take as an example those couples of acquaintances who

exist no more than ten to twenty years

And all this is simply because their possible subsequent divorce will, among other things, mean that your own relationships, built according to someone else's scenario, may also carry the same virus of destruction of your personal happiness that was originally introduced into them, which is activated and will give know about yourself in the next few years. And therefore, planning to create your own successful love and family relationships, it is worth taking as an example only those couples who have celebrated at least ten to fifteen years of married life. Including, to study more fully their experience of establishing intimate relationships. Otherwise, you can doom yourself to exactly what thousands of couples around the world doom themselves to every day, creating intimate relationships "just like that", "by default", as a matter of course: first, for some time you will be fine and wonderful, and then you:

- either you find out that your friend is in no hurry to propose to you precisely because he considers you not reliable enough on the basis of some of the circumstances of your first sex;

- or having already married, you will encounter such outrageous cases of jealousy and acrimony regarding your approaches to the intimate sphere that you will regret hundreds of times both that you once rushed to enter into an intimate relationship, and that you even married this man.

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