2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2024-01-31 14:10
Any shocking event is a crisis for you and your family. This crisis can become a new stage in your development, or it can be thrown far back, becoming a stage of fading and regression.
A serious event is something that immediately changes everything and divides life into “before” and “after”. An event after which you will no longer be able to live as before. I’m talking about how to survive at such stages of life.
My son is seriously ill. The very realization of this fact became a serious test for our family.
When people write books that take the soul, their personal history is always present in them, otherwise it is impossible to write. This article contains a lot of my personal experience.
but my advice, not only about me and about meeting an illness, is about any meeting with something shocking that changes your life. divorce, loss, betrayal - something that affects not only you, but your entire family system, something that changes your life as a whole
Features of survival on the crest of a crisis wave:
⦁ Get support.
The more support in the environment, the more stable and stable your state, the stronger you are.
Your children can already rely on you, you can give support to those for whom it is important to see your sane look, who are looking for support in you.
Friends are friends for that, so that you can rely on them in difficult times. Speak, ask for help, just speak up.
⦁ Save energy.
The story, told for the fifth time with the experience of terrible, painful moments, carries repeated traumatization - you will tear off the crust from the wound that has just begun to heal. Save energy and tell those who are important to tell, who will give you support, and will not start dying with you. Leave the traumatic, painful details for the person closest to you and for your therapist, if you need one.
⦁ Stay real.
Anything can be imagined. Use common sense and facts. There is no need to embellish and blur the situation, but you should not whip up unnecessary horror either.
⦁ Don't make it a secret to family members.
Nothing draws on a resource like keeping a secret. And nothing harms a family like family secrets. They are like black holes pulling on energy and poisoning life not only for those who live now, but also for several generations to come.
"Children and pet dogs know everything." (Anne Anselin Schutzberger is a professor of psychology who studies the impact of family secrets on succeeding generations.)
The family system is a single organism. If someone from the family does not know what happened, then he still feels that something has happened.
"Everything that is hushed up in the first generation, the second wears in its body." (Anne Anselin Schutzberger "Ancestral Syndrome")
Talk clearly and understandably about difficult things. And the more serious and unpleasant the information, the more clearly it should be conveyed to family members.
⦁ Don't make a secret to close friends.
Friends are needed so that you can lean on them. This is a colossal resource, there is no point in capsulating your grief and running around with it like a written bag. Share.
⦁ Take time to cry.
Tears without tears will find a way out. In intrauterine bleeding, in weeping skin ulcers. Do you need it? Cry. Give yourself a place and time for crying, where you can take your soul away and clear your grief. And then your tears will not break through every time you touch the topic.
⦁ "Meeting with the ghosts of the past."
Crises in a huge wave raise from the bottom all the "horrors of our town" - conflicts, secrets, unforgotten losses, unforgotten grievances, old fears and seemingly long gone family stories. All this, living under a thick layer of muck of everyday life, raises its head in order to be heard and possibly be resolved and completed now.
⦁ "Misfortune never comes alone".
Like a disturbed bee hive, problems are pouring in from all sides - something that was not noticed and ignored before, attacks on aggression and causes conflict.
Tough events give rise to a lot of anxiety, apprehension, fears and anxious expectations. Nervousness is in the air. Any accidental spark can cause an explosion.
Those events, people and circumstances that used to cause weak irritation are now beginning to enrage, cause intolerance and a desire to “figure it out”.
On the other hand, what used to be easy to control is intimidating. Events, people, relationships, future - causes fear. Fear is whipped up, and as a result, the meaning is given to the fact that the egg is not worth a damn.
“Fear has big eyes” - that's from here.
dynamics of feeling:
On this scale, you can determine where you are and what will be the next stage if you do not stop and allow yourself to go to the end and complete this experience of yours.
These stages were suggested by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross.
1. Shock and a sharp breakdown.
2. Refusal, denial.
"No, it can not be!"
3. Anger.
Irritation and rage is in the air. The guilty person is urgently sought.
4. Fear. Depression.
The onset of depression is associated with heightened feelings of shame and guilt. Energy drops to a minimum.
5. Sadness.
A turning point, wellness feeling. The first swallow of acceptance.
6. Acceptance.
The event and the changed situation are taken for granted. The world has changed, and this no longer causes confrontation. Energy begins to rise upward.
7. Farewell.
There is a release of what the time has come to say goodbye to. With the illusion of another life, with dreams, plans, hopes that were “before” and have sunk into oblivion.
8. Search for meaning and return.
In everything that happened, meaning begins to emerge. The experience gained is integrated and woven into the general fabric of life. From that moment on, it becomes something to rely on. It becomes your property and part of your identity. You have become more mature.
9. Clarity and newfound peace.
The world has changed, but it has not collapsed. He became renewed, different. Something was gone forever, with something I had to part - with some plans, illusions, dreams, my ideas about how it should be.
The world has become qualitatively different.
Like a summer city after a rain, it became brighter and clearer. The rainstorm washed away the dust, lifted all the dirt from the sidewalks and carried it in muddy, boring streams along the roads to the sewers. Swirling streams excite the imagination, huge puddles do not allow you to pass or drive; the elements have taken over the city, and there is no one who would not talk about this rain. But then the storm subsided, the sun came out, dried the puddles and played in the washed, fresh foliage, reflected in the glass of houses and emphasized the clear lines of the facades - the city breathed deeply.
crises are stages of growing up. necessary stages, no matter how bitter it is to realize it.at some point, space itself pushes us to the next step. and often the most important thing is to trust the space
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