How To Stop Being A Victim, What Is Our Parents' Fault And How To Make Children Happy

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

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Labkovsky is sure that the psychological reaction formed from childhood due to the parents' aggression can be completely destroyed and a healthy one can be built.

A well-known practicing psychologist from Moscow, Mikhail Labkovsky, can very clearly explain how healthy people differ from neurotics, and why you need to live with pleasure. At one time, he received a second degree in psychology in Israel and mastered the specialty of the Family Mediation Service, which allows him to be a qualified mediator in family matters.

Labkovsky's interviews arouse lively interest and loud discussions in the Russian and Ukrainian media. The site "Segodnya.ua" touched upon one of the most difficult topics - the relationship between children and parents. The psychologist spoke about the influence of the past on the generation of 30-40-year-olds, patterns of behavior of people with psychological problems and how to learn to be happy and pass this feeling on to your children.

Our mothers grew up in post-war families in the Soviet Union and transferred their difficulties, including to our heads. In my opinion, the generation born in the 70s, people who are now 30-40 years old, they are somewhat lost inside, they do not have sparkle and happiness in their eyes. I would like you to give your characterization of this generation

- From a social or civic point of view, their parents ended up in a rather rotten Brezhnev era. Grandparents at least had some ideals and ideas in their heads - albeit stupid, but they believed in something. And for the post-war generation - at first there was a thaw, which quickly gave way to a cold snap. The generation of parents in the civil sense was already lost.

That is, they were disappointed when a cold snap came after the thaw, and then they stopped believing in anything. They were born in the 70s, when the Soviet system was already completely rotten, when everything was built on bribes, on telephone law, there was no justice - nothing. And that's why they are already so extinct.

And the parents also did not know what to explain to them, because the people did not live well, a huge role was played by cronyism, connections, opportunities, and so on. And in all this shit, the children grew up not believing in anything at all. Then they came to perestroika - and again, as it were, raised their heads - both parents and children. Some bright future loomed.

It also did not last long - 10-15 years, whoever was lucky. And again it was replaced by such an analogue of Soviet power in its worst manifestation. Therefore, I think, the eye does not burn. From the point of view of such a civic position, the desire to create, live, build, and so on. I believe that one of the reasons is this.

What else influenced? Why was this behavior chosen?

- As for the psychological background, there is a different story. In order for children to grow up happy in general and continue living their lives like this, their parents must be happy, and mothers must also be cheerful. And how can a mother be cheerful in the post-war period, when, if she is over 25 years old, her chances of getting married tend to zero?

When, after the war, due to the fact that the country lacked 20 million people, mainly men, there were so-called misalliances: she is such a clever beauty, and he is 40 years older than her, an invalid and an alcoholic. What kind of happiness is this? Because there were no men at all. Fear of being left alone, fear of losing a husband, aggression in the family. Because after the war, men behaved aggressively, beat their wives, and children too.

All this also influenced the formation of those who are now 30-40 years old. There is a feeling that they are trying to avoid trouble. If you ask what they are guided by - how not to plunge into, how to jump off, and so on.

Some people from the generation of our parents grew up with the understanding that since they were beaten, then it is normal to punish a child. A pattern was laid for them - to beat their children. Could it be that it is because of this that the generation of 30-40-year-olds grew up so problematic, fragile, if you like?

- It plays a huge role in the formation of children. Moreover, you probably know that it is prohibited all over the world. This is not considered "corporal punishment" but a criminal offense called physical abuse of a minor.

Of the former Soviet republics, Azerbaijan is now adopting a law banning corporal punishment. And in Israel there is a very interesting law: if a child is spanked for the first time, the parent must live in another city for a year. If, for example, the mother did it, the child can either stay with the father or go to a foster family. The parent not only cannot approach within a year - he generally has to move to another city. This condition. And if it is noticed a second time - 7 years in prison.

Therefore, Israeli children are just with fire in their eyes, they are not afraid of anyone or anything. And so in America, and so in Europe. Imagine a picture: you are walking in Paris, puddles - and some four-year-old child runs and jumps into a puddle. And his mother catches up and kicks him in the ass. They'll call the police right away - that's all.

What consequences for the child can be expected if the parents' main method of asserting their point of view is a belt?

- There are several options for the development of the situation. It all depends on how they beat, and on what psychotype the child has, how strong or weak his psyche is, and so on. There is conventionally a division into two groups. Some become aggressive. Aggression is always a consequence of resentment and humiliation. And the latter become depressed. That is, those that were stronger became aggressive, and those that were weaker - crushed. That is, they have complexes, very low self-esteem, they are afraid of everything, they have a lot of fears, anxieties, and so on. This is victim psychology.

The difference is that aggressive, as a rule, do not complain, but they also do not get pleasure from life, because they have been at war with the whole world all their lives. Instead of living normally, they should sort things out, fight for justice. They are very nervous about the fact that it seems to them that they are not being spoken to, behaving differently. They are aggressive and emotionally poorly controlled.

By the way, they will behave in the same way with the rest of the family when they have their own family. They just don't understand how to deal with issues differently. Those who were hammered hard - they are suppressed, squeezed. They live in such a state, and this concerns how they behave at work, with acquaintances. They apologize all the time, they feel uncomfortable in front of everyone all the time. In this sense, they are absolute victims. This is when it comes to how corporal punishment affects the psyche of children as they grow up.

Then what should adults do with these conditions? If at some point a person realizes that one cannot be unhappy all his life and make others unhappy, what is the algorithm of actions to get rid of this?

- Firstly, this is really a problem, thank God, being solved. It is not easy to solve. How do I help to deal with such a problem? When parents behave aggressively, the child gradually forms his own mental reactions.

For example, a drunken dad came home, an aggressive mother stands with a belt and yells. This happens more than once - it happens very often over the course of many years, starting, frankly, from the birth of a child. The baby is screaming, straining - we understand that hardly anyone will beat him, but they will start yelling at him. And this is when he is not even a month old - I generally keep quiet about six months or a year.

Shouts "Where are you climbing? I said, you came up to me" - this all forms in the child, as a result, certain mental reactions. And they already are his behavior. The way he behaves in life - aggressive or suppressed, these are his mental reactions. My technique suggests changing these reactions by changing behavior, changing neural connections. That is, how to start behaving differently.

Can you explain its essence to make it clear?

- The point is that the psychological reaction formed from childhood due to the parents' aggression can be completely destroyed and a healthy one can be built, where there is no fear, no aggression, no depression, no victim psychology, no anxiety, and so on, due to the fact that you behave in another way, unusual. Not the way you used to behave. It makes your psyche change.

How long can it take to retrain?

- It very much depends on how conscientiously the person will follow the instructions. Because if he devotes 24 hours a day to solving this problem, everything will happen quickly enough. Moreover, he will receive the result not once, but right in the process of work.

For example, you should immediately tell the other person if you don't like something. It doesn't matter who it is to anyone else. This other person may or may not hear you. Then you should not say a second time: "I asked you," "We agreed," "You promised," and so on. Make a decision for yourself.

You asked - the person is not going to change anything. You have two options: either everything suits you, or goodbye. Even such harsh behavior changes the psyche very quickly. Your fear passes away: fear of losing people, getting into conflict, having such a relationship, and so on. Then the psyche will begin to change.

Or another example. For example, a woman who grew up in a difficult family will look for such aggressive men on her ass who will humiliate her, offend her, and maybe even beat her. And she cannot do otherwise, because she is attracted to people like her dad.

The logic is very simple: she does not want it on purpose, but she has a psychological attraction to someone who resembles her father. How to be in this situation? No need to dig and go to a psychoanalyst. Everything is much simpler. You meet a guy - you don't like the way he behaves, you tell him: "I don't like the way you behave. If this continues, we will part."

You have just started communicating. He heard you, began to behave well - we live on. He didn't hear you - goodbye, boy. But for this you need not be afraid to be alone and not shout that "this is the love of my life, I cannot do this" and so on. When you start behaving like this, your psyche from the psychology of the victim turns into the psyche of a self-confident person.

So you have to work with your fears and stop being a victim - is this the main message?

- Yes. So, as I have shown with an example, this is how you behave.

Let's continue the topic of parent-child relations. Many people have a rather difficult situation. Parents believe that their children owe them: for the difficult 90s, for not leaving, for raising them, and so on. That is, if children at some point, in the opinion of their parents, do not pay enough attention to them, conflicts begin. What to do about these conflicts? Can parents be forgiven for this behavior?

- Of course, you can forgive. They also have victim behavior. “You owe me” is also the behavior of a weak person who believes that he is being cheated, that he is not given enough attention. This is also an insult. He behaves like a pretense, but in fact he is offended.

And the same thing is all the consequences of the same family. You don't owe anyone anything. There is a correct answer: "I didn't ask you to give birth either." It was the parents' choice, so no one owes anything to anyone here. But since all the same children love their parents as they are, then the children should be told: “I love you, but we will communicate as I feel comfortable. I give what I can. If you don’t have something I like it, I can't help it. " There must be a certain firmness in behavior.

That is, you don't have to follow the lead of your parents?

- Don't be led by anyone at all.

How to educate children so as not to pass on to them some of their complexes? What shouldn't be done with children?

- There is a saying: if grandmother had eggs, it would be grandfather. Advice on how to behave with children is generally meaningless. No matter what book you read, parents behave the way they can. They behave incorrectly, not because they have not read our interview yet, but because psychologically they cannot behave differently.

Here is the golden rule: not to change your relationship with children is impossible, but to change your relationship with your head. Going to the same psychologists, for example. And some people need to go to a psychiatrist. Deal with your psyche. When you figure it out, you won't have to ask what to do with people.

Healthy mentally balanced people do not behave like this at all. They may be in a bad mood, they may even shout, but these are isolated cases, which no one can remember at all, cannot be counted on the fingers of one hand.

Why do they behave badly, why do they behave aggressively, ignore children, are cold towards them, do not feel any emotions? Because they themselves feel bad. If we give them the advice, "Don't do this," it won't help. It will only help if you try to do something with yourself, and not with the children. If you manage to deal with yourself, become a healthy person, psychologically safe, you will be fine with your children anyway.

There are people who are shy and afraid to go to a psychologist, confuse him with a psychiatrist. How can such people be given advice? Slip the right literature? Give advice on how to bring a person to a specialist if he is not yet ripe. Or is it better not to touch?

- There is a choice between their embarrassment and the well-being of their children. The choice is theirs. Let them decide for themselves what is more dear to them. You want to help your children and are ready to go to a psychologist for this or you don’t care your children, you are so shy that no one will go anywhere. It's up to you.

How to choose the right specialist? Now there are many different schools: there are Gestalt psychologists, there are psychoanalysts. How do you know where to go and who to start working with?

- First, you need to start with an ordinary psychologist who deals with rational psychotherapy. He must have a psychological education, some kind of work experience. Then everything depends on two things.

First, you should be comfortable with him. You should feel comfortable from communication, he should not strain you. Second - the most important thing: after one or two meetings, you should feel that it becomes easier for you in something, some issues are beginning to be resolved. If they say to you: "Come to us for 10 years - at first it will be bad, then it will be good" - you do not need to go there.

In order to at least figure out initially, how many sessions are needed?

- There's no such thing. When you come for the first time, you basically talk about your problems - even the time will not come to the psychologist, because all the time will be spent on what you will tell about yourself, and he will ask. But when you start working with him (this happens at the first, second or third lesson at most), you should at least feel something. In medicine, this is called positive dynamics. Something has to change.