The Farther, The Closer. How To Stay Yourself In A Relationship

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

There is such an expression: "The further, the closer." We often use it in the context of describing our relationships with others. Although we pronounce it with irony, there is a grain of truth in this expression. Moving away from people, we yearn for them, we lack communication. And from the constant flashing before the eyes, the partner does not become closer and dearer. Being with each other 24 hours a day has nothing to do with true Intimacy

How, then, is it possible to understand that a person is close to you, if there is no experience of living apart from each other. True Intimacy occurs when we find balance in establishing our personal boundaries, the boundaries of another person and the common space between us. This is the area where two people meet, each of whom has a real idea of their personal boundaries. This is that set of inner beliefs, thoughts, values and feelings that we are not ready to exchange and whose integrity we are ready to defend even at the cost of losing intimacy with another. This is only ours, about which we are ready to speak publicly and what we are ready to defend. This is an internal constitution, a set of rules that we proclaim to the world around us so that others know what we are ready to reconcile with and what we are not. Clear personal boundaries are not about selfishness and overestimated self-esteem. Here we are talking about self-respect, which is a strong tool for respecting the feelings and opinions of others. On the contrary, often blurred personal boundaries or their absence leads to problems in relationships. The inability to say “no” to others, the desire to please and the devaluation of our own feelings makes us hostage to those around us and leads to neurotic relationships. It looks like this visually. Once a close friend came to visit you. You were so welcoming that he decided to spend the night with you, and his presence was not burdensome for you. The next morning he did not leave, nor did he leave in the following months. Your house has become his home. The company of your friend was pleasant to you, and you enjoyed his presence in your life. Soon, a friend began to invite his friends to your house. “It's okay, it's more fun to live together,” you might think. Soon you will notice that in your own home there will be little space for you personally. Happy holidays, noisy companies will become commonplace in your home, although you personally prefer quiet evenings. You will rationalize what is happening and convince yourself that this is normal, it could be worse. Imperceptibly, in your own house, guests will give you a room for guests, or maybe even offer to go to visit your relatives, unwind, so to speak. You have ceased to be the mistress and decide who and when to let into your territory. And now you have only two ways: either to silently endure what is happening, or to declare your rights and put the uninvited guests out the door, once and for all designating who is the boss. In the first case, you will step on your own throat, just not to contradict others and maintain a good relationship. Only these are all illusions: relationships are good when you and those around you feel good about them, when there is mutual respect. If in your house they walk in a herd in dirty shoes, then there is nothing to save for a long time. In the second case, you will declare your feelings, and you risk being misunderstood. In the best case, they will twist a finger at the temple and get away, accusing you of inadequacy. At worst, they will ignore the unauthorized protest and never pay attention to your feelings again. That the first, that the second options will not return the old warm feelings and relationships. It is difficult for others to understand you, since you yourself vaguely understand your desires and the limits of what is permitted in relation to you. You find it difficult to be natural and boldly assert your boundaries because of the fear of rejection. The need for the company of others, for acceptance is read in your every action. You are infected with a belief about your own inferiority and are dependent on someone else's opinion. We are driven by two main fears: the fear of death and the fear of losing love. All other types of fear are derived from these two. The likelihood of being rejected makes us forget about our own desires for the sake of others. The constant violation of our personal boundaries makes us suffer, but giving up this suffering is even more terrifying. Giving up suffering instills in the fear of rejection. It is better for us to maintain the illusion of the presence of others in our lives than to remain in the void that we are afraid to live in. We are not ready to face our loneliness. It seems to us that loneliness is the absence of people around us, but in reality it is not. Loneliness is the inability to feel your own self-sufficiency. To be self-sufficient is to experience the happiness of being with yourself. It is a state where being alone we feel less alone than when we are around. Without this solid foundation, it is impossible to achieve true intimacy with another person. It is important to love yourself unconditionally. At least for reasons of psychological health: it is inconvenient to live life with an unloved person. Any relationship will repeat a scenario in which the partner is perceived as a straw for a drowning man.

How not to lose yourself in a relationship, stay free in a couple, without the need to make constant compromises with yourself

1. Responsibility. We look at the Other with hope, and in our eyes it reads in large letters: “Save me from myself. Let this relationship be serious. " Only the seriousness of the relationship is given not by another person, but by ourselves. We are looking for seriousness from the other, while we ourselves defend ourselves with phrases: "if it is destined, then mine will not leave me anywhere." In fact, this approach is at least frivolous and irresponsible. This is a way to protect your unwillingness to invest in a relationship. We are looking for love, piously believing that we will find it where another will love us. Often, after all, how: we are ready to show our feelings only when we have guarantees that we will be reciprocated. Otherwise, why would I open my soul? No…. Now, if he is…., Then I…. Bargaining. There is no love here. Love is where there is naturalness and joy. When there are no questions: "Does he need to write sms first? And what will he think? And if he does not answer?" You need to kindle the fire of love on your own, otherwise we risk living the whole life in the cold and in a relationship without intimacy. Responsibility in a relationship is a willingness to work hard on it. If you don't work on the relationship, then very soon you will have to play it. It's a paradox, but playing is energetically more expensive than working.

2. Relinquishment of control. To demand absolute sincerity from a partner is to deprive him of the territory of his own I. The desire to control is an invasion of other people's personal boundaries. Where there is a lack of understanding of one's own internal boundaries, there will often be a tendency to violate those of others. There is no clear understanding of "I am not I". Our ability to intimacy is directly related to trust, acceptance of ourselves and others. Controlling people do not know how to surrender to the flow of life, cannot trust other people, and have difficulties with emotional and physical intimacy.

3. Willingness to meet with another. The union of man and woman exposes children's matrices and complexes. When romantic love recedes, we meet the Other for real. We begin to notice flaws, feel cheated, and blame the person for becoming who they have always been. To accept the shortcomings of another, you first need to accept yourself with all the shadow sides of our soul. Fighting with your own Shadow is suppression of your negative trait and aversion to those who also have it. Failure to experience your feelings in the presence of the Other destroys Intimacy. Allowing the Other to be different means giving up the intention to remake, tweak, or change something about him. In a mature relationship, there is I and the Other. Mutual differences are valuable. There is an opportunity to be yourself in a relationship, to be different, and also to accept this right for the Other. Do not be horrified by the mutual differences, but treat them with curiosity as a new experience. In such a union, I recognize the Other's right to be different, as well as my right to be myself. This means the ability to accept the differences of the Other, as well as to see them as opportunities for rapprochement. This is a rejection of projections and illusions. The other is not a set of features that satisfy your needs, but an individual, with unique values, attitudes and beliefs.

4. Naturalness. By allowing the other to remain who they have always been, it is important to remain who you are. Not to seem, but to be. Our self-worth is the internalized opinion of others about us. These are other people's thoughts and assessments with which we became infected in deep childhood. A small child does not have self-esteem, he does not know whether he is good or bad. For the first time he gets to know himself through his close environment. And it is on the border of the first contacts with the environment that the first social feelings appear: shame, guilt, fear. The situation is aggravated when they begin to compare us with others. That's when we get a powerful message: being yourself is bad. But if you pretend a little or try to meet other people's expectations, then the likelihood of being rejected will be less. Child-parent relations are built on the rigid subordination of the younger to the elders. If in childhood they were not interested in our opinion, did not ask what we like and what not, then most likely as adults we will also not understand ourselves and our feelings. Frequent change of desires, life goals, endless search for oneself is a manifestation of the fact that we have not yet met ourselves and have not recognized ourselves naturally. And hardly anyone will be able to guess our desires if we ourselves are not fully aware of them. Being natural means being able to feel your desires and follow them. To be natural is to make a decision, guided by the criteria of "want-do not want". Compromises with oneself, hidden feelings and unspoken emotions will sooner or later cause difficulties in relationships. Allowing ourselves to live next to the Other our hidden feelings, the willingness to bare our souls and show our vulnerability, to be natural allows us to become closer to each other. Being in harmony with ourselves, we create harmony around us.

5. Ability to be alone. If the Center of Love is within ourselves, we no longer need crutches in the form of addictive relationships. We no longer need to be saved, because alone with ourselves we gain strength and merge with the source of love. Once I pondered the topic of loneliness for a long time and after repeated repetition of this word I replaced its amazing semantics. One Fatherhood - One Father. Being alone is not being isolated and feeling abandoned. To be alone means to be alone with the Creator, with a powerful source of energy and the ability to contemplate your inner world. This is an opportunity to get to know oneself as a whole, to hear one's feelings, to enter into a dialogue with those parts of the I that were once pushed out of our life. Loving yourself alone is an indicator of your ability to love others. The farther, the closer. We are not talking about the specific distance between us, expressed in kilometers. Proximity is not a state, but a process of conscious life-creation. Being close and at the same time free in a relationship means not dissolving in a relationship, thereby losing your own taste. Do not try to merge and turn into one whole, depriving yourself and another of your personal space. Intimacy is not when we choke, squeezing each other in the deadly embrace of love addiction. We come closer to each other, then we move away. We move away, because we feel that we can suffocate and there is a need to breathe a breath of freedom and feel self-sufficient without being tied to anyone else. We are getting closer, because we strive for the exchange of energies, but so as not to lose ourselves, not forgetting about everything, with the opportunity to always return to ourselves.

Closer, farther, inhale-exhale is a breath of love, a virtuoso dance of close relationships.