2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Author: Anton Semenov
"You cannot calm an offense with anger, you cannot extinguish the fire with oil"
"Than silver is bad - better copper, it is easier to endure insult from enemies"
The other day I saw such a scene, my mother yelled at her little son for something in the store. He frowned and fell silent. Continuing to hold his mother's hand, he defiantly sniffled and looked away. Mom stood for a few seconds, and then with the words "if you want to be offended - please!" she snatched her hand away from him. The boy burst into tears and sagged.
Resentment often ridiculed, even more often consider something harmful, from which it is imperative to get rid of, and many more believe that resentment is a method of manipulation and nothing more.
So what is resentment, does it make sense and is it necessary to fight it?
Sure, demonstration of resentment, like other senses, can be used for manipulation. However, now I propose to talk about the essence of this phenomenon and figure out what it is for and how to manage it.
Many experts define resentment as "a feeling that arises as a result of unrealized expectations." and offer "forgive", “Don't take to heart”, “let go” and / or “don't create unrealistic expectations”.
This approach is uniquely labels "offense" as harmful … And then there are only two options "to make yourself better": either disable intelligence and the planning function (to give up expectations), or to be only where “everything is familiar” and “expectations come true”. I.e, refuse changes.
Maybe for some, these solutions are really good, but I prefer to "work with resentment" in a different way. BUT I consider the experience of unfulfilled expectations as a disappointment, an emotion that gives energy to change the picture of the world.
All small children are offended. All adults do too, although not always admit it. Resentment is natural behavior, a social signal, extremely important and useful. It is easy to see that it is normal we do not take offense at people who are indifferent to us … If people, relations with whom we are not important, cause us some inconvenience, then we react, defend or attack accordingly to the threat.
It is quite another matter if we value the relationship with the one who causes us suffering. For example, like a boy and his irritated mom. Trying to keep the relationship from breaking up, we, like him, renounce self-defense and are forced to “hold back” in ourselves our retaliatory aggression. At the same time, we show our partner a set of signals that we call "resentment."
Resentment is a natural reaction, the task of which is to maintain the relationship even if there is a conflict
We often think that children, when they are offended, do it on purpose. And we get angry and annoyed about it. In fact, the behavior of children is natural and logical (until our upbringing makes its own adjustments there). All small children are offended, because they are defenseless in front of adults, and they value relationships.
Resentment model
The function of preserving the relationship is fulfilled in two ways. First, due to withholding aggression with the offended, it protects the relationship from an instant break. Secondly, it allows the participants in the relationship to adjust their behavior, adapt to each other in such a way that there is less conflict and suffering in the relationship. How this happens I have shown in the following diagram:
This is normal when the offended person does not use the demonstration of resentment for manipulation and does not ignore the harm done to him, and the offender also values the relationship, and at the same time both participants withstand voltagecreated by the conflict.
It is quite another matter if people cannot withstand the stress. In this case, the one who is harmed will immediately give up. Usually this expressed in the transition to more childish ways of behavior and demonstrating vulnerability. For example, “describe” and “substitute the belly” in most mammals is both a sign of a baby (a puppy, for example) and a way of “surrender”.
The offender's reactions will also be quite logical. It can be "overloaded" and pity and guilt … In the first case, he will defend aggression, in the second - avoidance clarifying the situation.
For example, in my example at the beginning of the article mom can't stand the stress of resentment with your child. In order not to feel guilty for using him to drain irritation, and not to clarify the situation, she breaks contact, leaving him to live his resentment on his own. The boy is forced to come to the conclusion (usually unconsciously) that his desires have damaged the relationship, and then he begins to be ashamed of his desires and consider them bad (you can read more about guilt and shame here).
Both guilt and shame in the offended will lead to the inevitable conclusion that showing offense only made it worse … And the next time such a person is offended in a similar situation, he most likely will not show it in any way. And in order to avoid these situations, he will prefer not to get close to people (see diagram).
However, the process, unfortunately, does not end there.
A person who has gone through an "unlived resentment" in a relationship does not know how to defend his boundaries, that is, he becomes weak, does not hold tension well. It is hard for him, "nothing", to feel pity and help those who feel bad, but it is also difficult for him to admit his guilt. It is difficult for him when someone nearby demonstrates resentment, and it is much easier for him to admit the insult to something bad and harmful than to be in contact with her.
As a result, when such a person receives power in a relationship, whether it be with his sick parents, dependent spouse, subordinates or children, he himself becomes the abuser who will not regret or apologize, the one because of whom one more person will stop defending their borders.
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