2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Why did I suddenly combine such different, polar feelings into one topic? That is why - they live in a bundle - where there is guilt, there is also resentment. And vice versa. But one of them, as a rule, we do not notice in ourselves. If we are offended, then we do not talk about our guilt, we "delegate" it to another person. “I am offended. He is guilty". If we feel guilty, then the other is assumed to be hurt. But these two polar feelings are present simultaneously in one person, like two sides of the moon. It's just that one of them sounds brighter, while the other remains in the background.
resentment
Resentment is a more resourceful feeling. She has a lot of energy. And all of it is directed to another person, to whom I am offended. In offense, a call for love is heard. I want him to love me and love me exactly as I want. And he doesn't. I feel unhappy, deceived, trampled underfoot. There can be a lot of unhappy self-pity in offense. A lot from feeling like a victim, a victim of this bad person. Resentment chokes with tears, chokes the throat. Self-pity splashes out in tears. Resentment is “crying for love”. We are offended only by those close to us and relatives, from those from whom we expect attention, affection, tenderness, recognition, participation, love.
And he is such a bad person does not understand, does not want, does not try, does not give me what I want from him!
And what if this bastard betrayed me ?! She went to another or another, set up, threw, robbed ?! Ooooooo, you reptile !!!
And anger goes off scale, even rage!
There is a lot of anger in offense. The anger that is crammed into itself is hidden behind clenched teeth and tears in the eyes.
Pride does not allow you to go through shame and show your feelings. Tell the Other about your expectations, disappointments and your pain about all this. And anger.
“It’s beneath my dignity to talk to you about this, I myself must understand.” "If a person loves, he does not need to say anything." "They should have known it themselves."
Anger stops when offended, is kept in itself, rages inside. If it breaks out, then in the form of acting out, and not directly to the object of anger - smash the plates on the floor, throw the phone against the wall, hit the car.
Or start to wet yourself: to grow diseases, scratch, comb. If aggression is not let out, then where can she go? Only in your own body.
And you can throw and beat the pillow, if the anger is so straight and off scale, you can let off the steam. Only a saucepan from the fire is not removed if the lid is slightly opened. Soon you will have to blow off steam again if the problem is not solved.
An adequate way for anger and resentment is negotiations, that is, the presentation of your anger and discontent.
Anger allows you to feel your boundaries (time, financial, territorial, emotional). When they are violated, we feel angry. And the presentation of your anger allows you to define and maintain these boundaries
If you communicate with a loved one, and not with a cat, then it is better to show your anger and mark the boundaries with the words: "I am angry with you when you …", "I have a lot of anger when you …" "I am very angry when you you do this because.. "" I am still mad at you for the case when you.. ".
When anger is presented, "bottlenecks", points of discontent are indicated, something can be done with this, something can be solved. You can discuss not how bad you are and how unhappy I am, but what exactly makes me angry and why. What do I need, what do I need from you and are you ready to give it, if you are ready how. And if you are not ready at all, then you can decide what to do with it next, where, how and with whom to satisfy the need that is starving with him, with this Other. Maybe this need is not for him or not all of my needs for him. Maybe you can satisfy them with other people.
And what is this need, which is starving with this person, it would also be good to figure it out. Maybe there is no person on earth who could satisfy her. He was when you were three months old. Mom cared for, cherished, held on handles, fed according to any squeak and guessed all desires. Such a paradise on earth can be organized for oneself only if one gets very sick, to the point of complete helplessness. And in ordinary adult life, the dream of unconditional love is a myth that will never be repeated.
What I want, why I am angry - it is important to understand yourself and try to convey to your loved ones and relatives. Then there is a chance that something will change
Or maybe, when thinking and negotiating, it will be revealed that it is time to send his family, where far away, or from a mother who interferes and controls everything, it’s time to separate, it’s time to separate. And aggression is indispensable here. To separate, one has to push off, often with the feet. It is painful and insulting to the one from whom they are repelled, whose expectations in eternal love and fusion are crumbling.
the second component of resentment is love
In any, even the most violent offense, there is love. Otherwise, there would be no offense, there would be just anger and that's it. Have you slammed the door in front of your nose? You bastards! Just angry feelings. Step on your foot? Bastards. The water was turned off in the middle of a hot summer, how else to call them? But if the fact that you got nasty in the minibus or stepped on your foot or the plane flew away without waiting for you, you are terribly offended, then maybe not to them all these minibus, flight attendants, waiters, shop assistants and saleswomen, tram drivers and cut you off to motorists this insult, but to someone else? And you project it onto the world, look for those who have offended you. This is not for them.
There is always love in offense. It is important to acknowledge it. When there is no love, no close, quivering feelings, then there is no offense. The stronger the love, the deeper the hurt.
Anger and love are ambivalent, opposite feelings that fill resentment
guilt
Guilt is the second pole of resentment. We either feel guilty ourselves or are offended, considering the other person to be guilty.
Experiencing feelings of guilt is one of the most destructive processes for an individual. Guilt is an auto-aggressive feeling designed to destroy, destroy, wipe yourself off the face of the earth. To take revenge on yourself for your sins. Self-directed aggression.
We can feel guilty where our responsibility is not. And completely ignore your responsibility where it is.
Feeling responsible, recognizing and taking responsibility is the ability of an adult, based on the right to choose and the awareness that this choice will have to be paid. Any choice has a price. There are no free elections. Whatever we choose, every decision we make has consequences. Even if we decide not to do anything, there is a price for that choice.
guilty without guilt
There is such a kind of guilt - “virtual guilt”. This is when we feel guilty for something that is not our responsibility.
There are great family stories where wines are passed down from generation to generation. And someone in the family takes on the function of atoning for this guilt. And he even makes it his destiny. Well, if it is clear who was to blame for whom and for what, then you can separate other people's "sins" from your own and understand where in all this is your share of responsibility. But it happens that guilt is transmitted without any reference to real events, causing melancholy, constant search for meaning and "causeless" depression in someone from the next generation.
guilt is a stalled initiative
It is our fault that we stop ourselves from realizing our desires. We turn off the tap on our own initiative. The fault is we suppress our "Wishlist" and the desire to follow ourselves.
“When I choose myself between you and me, I feel guilty. When I choose you, it hurts me."
The second pole of guilt is offense. Resentment towards the same person before whom we feel guilty.
But not at all we allow ourselves to be offended. How can you take offense at a sick child, and at your husband, who broke his leg before the vacation, at your father, who died and left alone, and at your mother, who worked so hard,that she did not have enough time for her children; a sick, old grandmother; on the one who died … No, you cannot be offended at them. But it's easy to screw!.
Such good people, and I am … selfish!
People love to revel in guilt, burst into tears and sprinkle ashes on their heads, showing miracles of sadism towards themselves. Blaming yourself for any glimpses of initiative and desire to follow you.
You can endlessly try to redeem. And you can see what is at the other extreme of guilt. And allow yourself to feel resentment, which means to be angry and love
Recommended:
Victim And Rapist - 2 Sides Of The Same Coin
Victim and rapist, sadist and masochist are two sides of the same coin. The victim has the qualities of the rapist, and the rapist often falls into the victim state. One cannot exist without the other. They alternately change, thereby closing the vicious circle of suffering, the search for justice and the triumph of retribution.
Are Feelings Of Guilt And A Sense Of Responsibility Two Sides Of The Same "coin"?
This topic is as eternal as it is serious. Feelings of guilt destroy us from the inside. It makes us puppets, weak-willed pawns in other people's games. It is on him, like on a hook, that manipulators catch us. But you hardly thought about the fact that the feeling of guilt experienced by a person is the flip side of another, not destructive, but quite constructive personality trait - a sense of responsibility.
Dreams Of A "normal Family". Two Sides Of The Same Model
Where do these dreams of an ideal family come from? From childhood? But it is not a fact that you would like to live the way your parents did. Most likely the opposite is true. So how do you know what a family should look like? Your family? Family is the place where you feel good.
NASTENKA AND MARFUSHENKA: TWO SIDES OF SPLITTED IDENTITY
NASTENKA AND MARFUSHENKA: TWO SIDES OF SPLITTED IDENTITY Conflict of social and individual in the intrapersonal dynamics it unfolds between "I need" and "I want" Problems arise when someone begins to believe that the Day is more valuable than the Night … In psychotherapeutic practice, it is often necessary to deal with examples of non-integrated identity in the personality of clients.
How To Recognize A Manipulator And Guilt? How To Stop The Manipulator And Eliminate The Feeling Of Guilt?
How to recognize a manipulator and guilt? How to stop the manipulator and eliminate the feeling of guilt? Imagine, one of your close people asks you to do something, but you cannot or do not want to. A colleague talks about a boss who is not happy with your report, his father complains that you rarely call him … Sometimes we manipulate ourselves, but this type of manipulation is difficult to recognize, since it is in the subconscious.
