Dreams Of A "normal Family". Two Sides Of The Same Model

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Video: Dreams Of A "normal Family". Two Sides Of The Same Model

Video: Dreams Of A "normal Family". Two Sides Of The Same Model
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Dreams Of A "normal Family". Two Sides Of The Same Model
Dreams Of A "normal Family". Two Sides Of The Same Model
Anonim

Where do these dreams of an ideal family come from? From childhood? But it is not a fact that you would like to live the way your parents did. Most likely the opposite is true. So how do you know what a family should look like? Your family?

Family is the place where you feel good. Where all your needs are met. This is heaven on earth.

Each of us had a heavenly time. This is the time when we were little. And there were big, grown-up people who decided everything for us and dealt with all our problems. If they were more or less good parents, then we had enough security and freedom.

One of women's dreams of an ideal family is the hope that my husband will replace my mom and dad

That behind him I can be like a stone wall, protected as in childhood from all the problems of the big world. And in return I'll be nice. Good, but moderately capricious. I will do what I like, but “do homework on time”, I will cook and clean the apartment, I will look after and take care of the children. If I decide to work, it will be rather my "hobby", and with this money, I can buy myself "ice cream", but this is definitely not the kind of money that can buy clothes or eat for a whole month. And “up there” there will be a big and adult person who will take all important decisions, take care of me, my life and our children. And if in my childhood it was dad and mom, now there will be a husband.

So, in this version:

The husband is a fatherly figure. A wife is a child who is loved and cared for.

A woman dreams of getting married, to live the same way she lived in her parents' house. For her husband to become her parents - “mom and dad”, who took care of her, loved her, who decided everything and bore the lion's share of responsibility for her life.

In fact, creating her family, a woman dreams of repeating her childish, infantile happiness in the parental home, but only in its improved ideal version.

"To be married" is "to live like Christ's in the bosom."

The husband appears to be a father figure - a caring parent for a little girl. Who can be capricious, if you work, then spend money only on yourself; can "swing rights", but must always be unconditionally accepted and loved.

In fact, as in the parental family, this model implies accountability, control by the "parents" (and now the husband), restriction of freedom. Parents are responsible for their children, they control them, they also tell what to do, make the main decisions. They say how to dress, how to behave, what to eat, what to do. The level of control and pressure in each family is different.

But in the “father-daughter” model, the daughter has a priori much less freedom, and she is obliged to “pay” for love, care and her support. "As long as you live in my house and at my expense, you will do what I say." The price is different.

If the price is right, then couples are quite satisfied with this family model.

But it so happens that everything would be fine, and it would come the long-awaited happiness, if your husband would not dream … about mom. Not about a little girl-princess (she may well become a daughter), but about your mother in your face

In this variant

The wife is a motherly figure. The husband is a beloved, adored son.

In the dreams of a man, a woman will be an ideal, caring mother for him. She will take money from somewhere. The house will always be clean, warm and prepared. "Mom" will keep up with everything invisibly. She will take care of everything and control everything. It is she who will know everything about his health, remember the dates of the doctor's visit, the schedule for taking medications and ensure proper nutrition. If there are children, then she will take over all the "kindergartens-circles-schools-lessons-parental meetings-doctors". She will moderately delve into his affairs, support his growth, but give complete freedom.

This is in dreams. But in fact, if a woman takes over everything, including providing for the family, then she tightly controls the fulfillment of duties by all family members. The "freedom" of a husband, like that of children, is clearly regulated. Even if the “mother-woman” is not the main earner in the family, in this model she is “law and order”.

These two models are from the same opera - they are about our hopes for heaven on earth, for a warm, caring home, for a "safe haven", for unconditional acceptance. Whatever you are, whatever you do, they will accept you and they will always take care of you. You can be sick, you can not work, be years in search of yourself, you can drink, you can be depressed - they will still take care of you, they will support you, endure (or better, tenderly and tenderly love), you will be accepted by anyone and everyone. Dream of an ideal father's house. About unconditional love.

It so happens that in a pair, both people with infantile claims to each other

These are two children who need a strong, adult second

The hungry boy and girl look at each other angrily.

Neither can satisfy the hunger of the other:

“- I'm looking for a man who would take care of me. Would support me and our children. On which I could lean and trust him with my life.

“I can't give you all of this. I myself need a caring mother, a woman who will take care of almost everything. Will you be her?"

This is the essence of the conflict, which sounds in such pairs in all quarrels, discontent, resentment, tears, despair, loneliness, hunger, misunderstanding.

Discharge occurs when the realization comes that neither of the couple is able to become the breadwinner for the second, and not one can give the other what he wants.

When the hope for a "normal family" collapses. When it becomes clear that there is no one to feed me. That there is no savior. No one will come and save me. Nobody will take responsibility for me. All I have is me and my responsibility for myself and my children (if any). And how I will deal with this responsibility is my business. Will I go to look for another breadwinner (wet-nurse) or will I start looking for support and strength in myself.

Finding support in oneself is a difficult and time-consuming business. This process marks the beginning of the exit from the addicted relationship.

But at the same time, it would be good not to fall into megalomania and not think that it is possible to adequately pull one that, for good, needs to be pulled together. And he is managed with children, and to do work, and to be in time everywhere, and to pay for everything and everywhere one hundred percent. Exhale. You are not omnipotent.

An addicted relationship promises hope that this person will fill a hole in my life. A financial hole, an emotional one. “As long as I'm with him, I will never need. I won't be alone."

It is good when this need is revealed. It reveals its own loneliness and its own separation from another person. And also their claims that the other should become a breadwinner - a breadwinner for you, as for a baby.

The problem is that you can't feed a hungry child. This need, need, your inner hole can only be detected. And then fill it with your life. Books, creativity, study, communication with different people, friendship, raising children, work, interesting projects, travel. And not trying to fill the hole with the forces of one person. This person, too, quite possibly has his own hole.

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