2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Friends' names are written in our hearts. There are not many of them, sometimes it is one or two truly faithful people. Really - this is when "a friend in trouble does not leave, does not ask too much." Probably, such friendship is a gift of God, which requires careful attitude and mental work.
Friendship is born from communication (community of interests and values) and develops on the balance of the mutual process of "give-take". We give and receive a joint pastime, emotional support, help, gifts, hugs (did you learn the 5 languages of love? Everything is the same here)
There is another important emotional balance in communication: a flexible combination of courage (courage) to be oneself (that is, to be present with thoughts, feelings, actions next to the Other) and at the same time sensitivity (mercy) to the Other in choosing the form in which it is appropriate to present oneself Here and now. Hard? Still would. But it's worth it.
Lack of friendships and social isolation are more dangerous for health than excess weight, nicotine and alcohol combined. True friendship prolongs life *.
Often a friend becomes the one with whom we are on the way. We study or work together, we are in the same therapy group or in the professional community. Perhaps such a friend is a "temporary companion", but this does not make him less valuable. Our paths may one day go our separate ways, but fond memories and gratitude will be a good investment in our own identity capital. Parting is an inevitable stage here, after which friendship will either remain in the past or reach a new level.
Friendship, like love, takes time and responsibility. Fidelity is a deliberate choice; it cannot be imposed or obliged to be faithful. Keeping promises and being available for communication in moments of despair or happiness are evidence of loyalty in friendship.
The most common reason for the fading of a friendly relationship is one of the reasons:
- a major change in life (wedding, significant change in welfare or social status, moving to another city, etc.);
- neglect of relationships;
- betrayal.
As a rule, we and our friends have a lot in common - the same life stage, social stratum, the same values, goals and dreams. A life-changing event requires friends to work mentally to experience new circumstances and find new points of community and contact. Such experiences require certain psychological efforts, that is, going beyond the usual contexts, and this can be energy-consuming.
Friendships often die of stagnation or neglect. I didn't call - I didn't congratulate - I didn't come to visit and I haven't called to myself for a long time. We no longer put up with the shortcomings of friends and only do what does not require effort.
It happens even worse: the person we trust deceives us. He speaks evil behind the back. Leaves without support in a difficult situation. Doesn't keep this promise. Uses gaslighting or passive aggression. He does it on purpose (for example, he takes revenge out of envy) or unconsciously - this is a toxic relationship. They cease to fulfill the main function of friendship - to prolong life, to make it more complete and whole.
Is reconciliation possible after the loss of friendship? Sometimes it is possible. How to recognize if there is a chance to revive a relationship and how to come to terms with the fact that it is not - in the next article.
* Les and Leslie Parrott "The Art and Science of Communication", Moscow 2007
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