How To Support Another Person In Grief Or Crisis

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

"The most terrible thing for a person when destroying blows is not the blows themselves, but the fact that a person in such a situation remains completely alone" (c).

I heard this phrase from my friend, who told how he had to feel during the most powerful shocks in life. I don't feel entitled to tell the details of his story. I will only say that this story is associated with the loss of the closest person and the decision to turn off the devices that support life

The details of this story are not as important to me now as what caught my eye the most - the reactions of the people around me.

My friend was not literally alone in this situation. There were people around him. Physically. But not a single person could stay with him in his grief and share it.

Everyone told him different things: my condolences, hold on, everything will be fine, I understand you, do this, do that, but with me … time heals, don't worry, and other words, which in a period of vulnerability, as a rule, do not ease suffering in any way … And, at times, they create the feeling that there are so many people around, but you are left alone with your grief. And carry it while you can. Sometimes you carry it quietly and for many years after such support that no one would again begin to support in the same way.

Most people who say the above words (like "hold on", "everything will be fine") experience an absolutely genuine impulse to support. But why is it that a sincere desire to support, expressed in such words, does not often bring relief? And how, then, can you support it differently?

The answer to the second question is simple on the one hand: just be with the person.

On the other hand, “just to be” is possible only when there is access to your deepest feelings and there is an allowance for YOURSELF to experience very deep, sorrowful feelings.

Being with another in his grief means noticing his confusion, depression, pain, anger, despair and grief, and just staying calmly and inclusively.

What not to do if you want to support

- do not turn to action (for example, in encouraging "hold on!" or "hold on" there is a call to action.

- do not give advice if the person does not ask for them ("next time do this" or "you now need to distract yourself and think only about the good")

- do not pull into the rational (often people try to find some kind of rational explanations that should somehow help. For example, “God does not give those tests that you cannot withstand.” This is not true. Not all tests can be withstood. Not all crises can be found a way out, and a person in a crisis clearly feels this);

- to save a person from suggestions (like “everything will be fine.” In fact, it can be different);

- Do not devalue a person's experience by bringing in your own experience or the experience of others. For this is already a blatant devaluation, not support. The point is that each person's experience, resources, sensitivities, and contexts are unique. One and the same event in different periods, even by the same person, can be experienced in different ways. What can we say about the experiences of different people of any experience. And comparing someone's experience with the experience of a grieving person, or a person in crisis is very toxic support. This also includes the messages "I understand you" or "I had this too." You could not have the same - you are a different person, you are in completely different contexts, you have a completely different, unique mental organization. Just like the other person. Your experiences and experiences may be somewhat similar, of course, but they are not the same! And in reality you will not be able to fully understand the Other. But you can accept the Other in what happens to him. This is the most important part of support - to enable a person to be like that: desperate, confused, embittered, saddened, vulnerable, weak, irritable, sick with all his soul.

To be calm and inclusive with another means to respectfully and empathically remain with the person in what is happening to him. In itself, such a rare ability in crisis situations is a very great support for people who are in a state of vulnerability.

What else can be effective support for a person?

- Support for conversations about grief, loss, crises and difficult experiences.

A person in grief or crisis can retell the same event, the same thoughts several times. This is fine. It is important not to shut him up in such conversations, not to translate the topic, not to suggest that you need to think only about good things. Provide him with the opportunity to safely (without depreciation and prohibitions) speak on very deep topics associated with difficult experiences (shame, grief, grief, weakness, suicidal thoughts and impulses, anger, etc.) As well as about death, suicide, possible terrible development scenarios events) is a very important support, broadcasting the right to express oneself to a person fully, to share not only the light, joyful and pleasant, but also the terrible, disturbing, frightening, heartbreaking.

It also happens that people try not to talk about any traumatic event. Like in order not to upset yourself and not upset the other. But in fact, talking about what happened, discussing what happened from that and from this angle, remembering, sharing is very useful. For this makes it possible both to share your experience and experiences, and in general to live them, experience them.

- Calling things by their proper names. Often in crisis situations there is a desire not to name an event by his name once again. For example, often instead of "died" they say "gone." Instead of "killed myself" they say the same "gone". Instead of "depression", "crisis", "depression" they say "he / I don't feel well", "not everything is in order with you."

Calling things by their proper names is a great encouragement. Because that's what reality stands for. This means that it allows you to accept and live sooner or later.

- In acute conditions, the presence of others is very important for a person. But only that presence from which you do not need to defend yourself (see "what not to do"). Therefore, being together with other people (again, if they don't wet) is a very supportive manifestation.

- Allowing yourself or a person experiencing loss or crisis to experience anger. Even if this anger is at God, at the universe, at the whole world, at the deceased, at anything! Don't get in the way of experiencing these feelings. Neither God, nor the universe, nor the world, nor a deceased person have ever suffered from living such feelings. A great many people have suffered from the suppression of these feelings.

- It is also important to know that in crisis situations, a person may have various reactions and states that are normal. In other words, if a person is overly irritable, gets angry, withdraws from others, often cries, experiences all sorts of psychosomatic symptoms, sees nightmares, experiences unbearable pain, weakness, vulnerability - THIS IS NORMAL.

This means that you should not suppress such experiences with vodka, valerian, any drugs (only if the medications are prescribed by a doctor and are associated with chronic diseases that carry the risk of deteriorating health).

In other words, you should not reduce the intensity of the experience. For if you drown them, then there is a possibility that the crisis will go into a chronic phase. And then it will hardly be possible to work through everything suppressed without a specialist. Therefore, if a person screams, shakes, swears, gets angry, yells, gets irritated, howls at the moon from grief, you should not suppress such acute manifestations. The more acute the crisis, the more painful the loss, the more natural it is to be in painful and acute feelings. This is a very adequate reaction to what happened.

- Do not give any assessments of what happened. Evaluations are rationalization, that is, avoiding feelings. Crises and losses have nothing to do with anything rational. They just exist in every person's life. They cannot be avoided.

- Watch, carefully watch your states and experiences. Usually devaluing support like "everything will be fine", "hold on", etc., come from a lack of experience of support for oneself. In other words, we often support others in the same way that we once supported us. And our culture now carries a global ban on the so-called. "negative experiences" (grief, anger, despair, grief, confusion, powerlessness, etc.). What is the best way not to experience the feeling? The most frequent is associated with the answer to the question "what to do?": To hold on, to hold on, not to hang up, not to fall into despair, etc. That is, doing something is one of the ways to escape from any feeling.

The second popular way to avoid your feelings is to go into the rational plane. Explain everything to yourself logically. For example, "what is the point of falling into despair?", "What is the point of being angry?" Well, or find harmonious theories about karma, dharma, astrology, esotericism and others. By the way, I have nothing against karma, dharma, astrology, esotericism and the rest. I am against self-deception. After all, often karma, dharma, esotericism or something else clever is substituted in these places not because it has a place to be there, but because it is a kind of anesthesia, that is, protection from experiences. It's like taking a pain reliever when a tooth hurts. The intensity of pain decreases, but the cause does not, does not go anywhere. Likewise, the energy of feelings does not disappear anywhere from rationalizations. And if you suppress feelings for a long time, then they can flow into all sorts of symptoms, ranging from psychosomatic experiences (psioriasis, ulcers, asthma, cardiovascular diseases, etc.), ending with panic attacks, increased anxiety, insomnia, nightmares and other mental manifestations …

Therefore, how do you feel the desire to inflict rational good on a person in vulnerability, listen to yourself: and from what feeling do you want to explain something to him? Perhaps your not lived despair rises in you? Or anger? Or grief?

Meeting the acute experiences of others inevitably turns us to our own acute experiences. Which, I'm sure everyone has experience. And there is less and less support in the environment for such an experience.

For example, remember how it was customary to bury in the past? The entire courtyard knew who had died. Fir branches remained on the road, a funeral march was played, women mourners performed a supportive function for the mourners. Seeing off the deceased, through touching a cold body, through throwing earth into the grave, through a standing shot of vodka that remains untouched, turned to reality - the person is no more. The topic of death was a legal part of life. The black robes of the mourners were a signal to those around them of their vulnerability. 9 and 40 days are designations of specific periods after the loss, crisis periods in which support is most needed. And all the relatives sat down at the same table, remembered the deceased, cried together, laughed and reacted their feelings to the deceased in different ways.

Now the traditions that are dedicated to grieving and living through crises are gradually disappearing. Now more and more attention is paid to something rational and "positive". There is no time to grieve. And this trend leads to the fact that now there is an epidemic of depression and anxiety disorders. Moreover, even with severe mental disorders, their content changes. For example, in the past, paranoid delusions consisted of complex constructs and type of logical circuits. It's very simple now. No complicated spy designs with newspaper clippings evidence. Nowadays, you can often find wearing a foil cap, so that the waves do not penetrate the brain.

The symptomatology of many mental disorders changes. And all this as a whole is a symptom of a cultural change regarding the attitude towards the experience of feelings.

It is now fashionable to suppress depression with antidepressants without examining the reasons why it - depression - has arisen.

Now more often you can find not joint crying over grief, but "pull yourself together, rag! You still have to work. Feed your family. Keep yourself in shape."

And all these tendencies associated with the lack of time for grieving and experiencing bitter feelings never improve the psychological well-being of people.

Therefore, I urge you in every possible way to treat your different feelings and feelings of other people with great attention and respect.

Take care of yourself.