You Are You. I Am Me. And Our Boundaries

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

A lot of materials have been written about borders on the Internet and in books.

If I repeat myself, I'm sorry.

What are boundaries? What are they made of?

The quick answer to these questions is that the boundary marks where I end and the outside world begins. This is the understanding of one's own self, separate from others. It is the ability to say NO and take control of your life. You are responsible for what happens within your boundaries, and others are responsible for what happens outside them.

Every person has physical, mental, emotional and spiritual boundaries.

The easiest way to understand boundaries is the physical body. Our body has a shell that protects us from the external environment - skin, mucous membrane, fat, muscles. Violation of our physical boundary there will be any intrusion or penetration into our body.

Psychological boundaries - this is our space, ideas, beliefs, ideas about ourselves, thoughts, desires, creative manifestations, knowledge, sensations.

There is also functional boundaries … They denote the ability of a person to complete work, complete a project, and achieve what is intended. These boundaries are associated with self-discipline, initiative, planning, performance, productivity.

If I know what is mine - time, energy, talent, values, feelings, behavior, money and everything else, then I have every right to dispose of it to my liking. Feel responsible for the process and engage in the necessary development.

In one context, the boundaries are one, in another they may be different. The ability to be flexible and adapt your boundaries depending on the situation and context helps to feel more comfortable with yourself and the world around you.

Imagine two different states very close to each other. A couple of loving people. Neighbors, where their houses are separated by a fence. They are all close together. At the same time, everyone has their own needs, which intersect and can conflict.

It is important to understand that borders can us disconnectas individuals, but also have function- unite … Many are afraid to set boundaries for fear of conflict. But conflict can also be viewed as a binding event. Where we can see, hear each other, agree.

What the process of separation and unification looks like.

It is important to know where my boundaries and needs are and where the boundaries of the other person are.

How is the border between us.

The established border may look like this - "you can't do this with me", "I don't like being shouted at, please don't do that", "I need to be alone now."

It is also necessary to understand here that this request may be violated by others. We're not perfect. The other may have needs at this moment that are different from mine.

Knowing about the boundary helps all contact participants see that it has been violated. And then it is necessary to somehow relate to this violation (unite) - to discuss, negotiate, seek a compromise, insist or move forward.

And in this there is a choice - to see your border, to designate it, to value yourself, but it is possible to move and make a choice in favor of the other. To be closer, to keep the relationship. Or, on the contrary, insist on your own.

The challenge is to learn to be flexible and with boundaries that can change.

Then the boundaries of the personality can develop and transform along with our development. They become flexible, lively, adaptive, just like we do in the process of life.

When a person begins to learn about his boundaries, he can abruptly, roughly, aggressively begin to establish them. In this way, to get acquainted with a new one who can defend himself and his values. This can surprise loved ones, scare away. In this case, it is great to warn: “I am now learning to see and define my boundaries and my values. While studying it may be harsh, but when I master it, the harshness will pass."

If you have rigid boundaries, you close, keep the pain inside like a rock - it is important to open the door so that you can let in the new and also let out the already stagnant, unnecessary. For example, letting out your resentment, anger, and letting in new communication, new experience, new people, information, support.

Boundaries show who I am and who I am not. What I have and what I don't. The border line shows where I end and another begins.

Nina Brown - identified several types of borders:

- soft - such people immediately merge with others. They are obsessive people. It is difficult to disconnect from them or say goodbye, they are always delayed. You may feel uncomfortable or annoyed around them. Such people very often find themselves in situations where they owe or owe something to someone. They build relationships in such a way that it is difficult to distance themselves from them. These are very accommodating people who are afraid of being alone. They do not want to be different from others. For example, they agree to the same meals in a restaurant or a movie as friends. Although at the same time they love something else.

Can't say no:

• for fear of hurting the feelings of another person;

• due to fear of loneliness;

• because of the desire to be completely dependent on another;

• due to fear of another person's anger;

• to avoid punishment;

• due to feelings of guilt;

• unwillingness to create the impression of a bad or selfish person;

- spongy - absorb someone else's. People are not confident in themselves. Such boundaries are normal in children, when their inner world and beliefs have not yet been formed, they absorb information from an adult. When children stop absorbing, they begin to filter. People with spongy borders can absorb what they don't like and don't like. And the person who said may be to blame. The phenomenon of eating in such people - they eat a lot and swallow at once, do not feel that they are not tasty. Indiscriminately. Do not spit it out. You need to filter, choose. They can also swallow any ideas and knowledge without critical analysis. A person misses the feeling of disgust when there is already enough and does not notice it. This is when you no longer intermeddle, and you do not know your norm.

- hard - a person equally in all situations remains within his boundaries. Violators receive a tough response. On the one hand, this is not bad, but the inability to maneuver in a situation can bring problems to your personal life. A man in a case who has suffered a lot of emotional trauma and scars. Now protects its vulnerability tough. He is alert in advance.

- flexible - those that can change depending on the situation. They depend on the state, on the context, on the physical state. The ability to adjust and adapt. In some moments it is possible to move your boundaries, somewhere to strengthen them. But they protect their owner from violations and are also a development factor.

When the boundaries are normal and healthy, then a person feels comfortable in the world. He easily communicates, enters into relationships, breaks them off, moves from place to place, finds a new job, etc. Healthy boundaries are flexible. A person easily determines the level at which it is convenient and pleasant for him to communicate. Does he want this communication. He can get closer to you, and then move away if he feels that something is wrong in the relationship.

How others' boundaries are broken when a person projects their personality onto an opponent:

- blame for their problems (all because of you, you ruined my best years)

- control behavior (you shouldn't do this anymore)

- give advice on how to be (you need to do this, lose weight)

- give instructions on what events to evaluate

- give assessments of your appearance and personality (you are sloppy)

In behavior, people can take your things, sit in your place, use your money, not repay debt, manipulate you, etc. No matter how it happens, a person whose boundaries have been invaded may experience confusion, fear, anger, frustration, try to avoid further communication.

People who are insensitive to their boundaries do not notice the boundaries of the other and often attack them themselves. Not because of anger, but because they do not realize that they are leaving their zone.

More often than not, those who do not have clearly defined boundaries are attracted by their tough violators. If you are super responsible, love to save, take on a lot of responsibilities and do them well, look around. Is there a person next to you who sits on top and controls you, transferring all responsibility for actions and results to you. And you feel guilty in the background.

How to show your boundaries to others:

- to express through speech what I want, what is important to me, what I believe in, what does not suit me;

- using a word No is the most basic word that sets boundaries. No implies confrontation.

No, it doesn't suit me. Let's talk about this next time. No, this is not close to me. No, I would like something else.

People who have violated internal boundaries cannot say "NO" when they are manipulated, pressured. Some people think that if they refuse, the other will end the relationship with him. Therefore, they passively obey, but inside they can get angry. Sometimes it happens that pressure occurs inside a person - from his own attitudes. What should I do, what not. If you fail to say no to external and internal pressure, then you lose yourself and control over your property.

- physical distance … Sometimes we can give to another person everything that we had and exhaustion sets in. To restore your resource, you need to move away in order to also preserve the integrity of your borders.

In addition, you can remove yourself from toxic people, from the one who hurts you. To feel and define your island of safety.

- time … Sometimes it is very useful to give yourself time to feel yourself, your thoughts, in order to make this or that decision. Understand your values and beliefs in this particular moment. Or, temporarily distance yourself from the person in order to analyze the relationship and set boundaries where they are needed. Choose a time frame for when, how much and with whom to communicate.

- using sequence in actions - said, agreed and fulfilled his promises. Intrinsic value and discipline develops and brings positive results for you. For another, this is an example.

- emotional distance from people who put pressure on you. Provides the ability to separate yourself from intimacy at the moment when your boundaries are violated. Do not get involved in the feelings and affairs of this person. Remember that you are you. The other person is separate. He now has his own process, which is uncomfortable for you and for which you should not be responsible. But the method of distance in a relationship should not be permanent. Choose your level of flexibility and boundary-setting options in different contexts, in different ways.

- other peoplewho will support you. Some people may be in toxic relationships for a long time and tolerate them due to the fear of loneliness. In order not to collapse, leave your boundaries intact, in this case the support of other people will help.

Setting boundaries inevitably entails taking responsibility for your decisions and the consequences of those decisions. It is possible that you yourself do not allow yourself to make a decision or make a choice. You want to transfer responsibility to someone else.

Beliefs, inner rules, values, talent, thoughts, desires, goals - they all lie within our emotional boundaries. These areas of life must be taken responsibility and taken care of.

Equally empower other people to take care of what is within their own boundaries. And share where is your responsibility and where is the responsibility of another person.

Laws that help define boundaries and that you can rely on:

1. The Law of Consequences - "What you sow is what you reap." You reserve the right not to communicate or limit communication with someone who treats you badly. If an irresponsible person does not suffer the consequences of his actions, someone else suffers for him.

   If you spend more than you earn, then you shouldn't be surprised that you owe a lot.

If you eat right and exercise regularly, you will have fewer colds and less flu. If you budget wisely, you can pay your bills and even have money left over to pamper yourself.

2. The law of responsibility - everyone is responsible for his own life. Everything that happens within your boundaries - feelings, thoughts, desires, aspirations … are under your personal responsibility. Nobody else is responsible for this.

   Some loved ones react with these comments: “This is very selfish. We must love each other."

I cannot feel your feelings for you. I can't think for you. I cannot behave for you properly. I cannot bear with you the disappointment that the setting of restrictions will entail for you. I cannot grow for you - only you can do it.

3. The law of strength is to find the strength to admit problems within your boundaries and correct them as they are discovered. You cannot change other people. Only yourself.

4. The Law of Evaluation - Respect the boundaries of other people, do not penetrate their boundaries. If you refuse to break in to others, people will break in to you less often.

   If we accept the freedom of others, then if they refuse, we do not get angry, do not feel guilty, and do not deprive these people of our love. If we accept the freedom of others, then we ourselves feel free.

5. The law of false motivation - first - freedom, then - service. You need to realize that the psyche can find false reasons not to build boundaries. If I tell people no, then they will not communicate with me. They will think badly of me. Fear of losing love or being rejected. Under the influence of this fear, people say "yes" and then inwardly resent it. Fear of anger from others. Fear of loneliness.
6. The law of proactivity - people with newly established boundaries usually break through. They begin to express their opinion, they can behave aggressively, assertively. This period recedes after the boundaries are strengthened and the person feels safe inside them.
7. The law of envy - when a person looks at others how they succeeded and how they are doing well, he sets his boundaries too far, striving for the unattainable. As a result, his personality is not able to fill all the space and the person feels a black hole inside him, into which all feelings and energy fly away.
8. The Law of Activity - in order to maintain healthy boundaries and develop them, some social activity and work with oneself are necessary. The borders abandoned without attention again begin to decay and break through by others.
9. The Law of Demonstration - By demonstrating your boundaries to others, you are showing yourself to others and reducing the possibility of accidental raids into your territory by negligence.

Borders are a tool of protection. By setting boundaries properly, you do not offend or attack anyone. Borders simply protect your treasures so they won't be touched at the wrong time. Saying no to adults in charge of their own needs may well be causing them some discomfort. They will have to look for another source. But such a search will not harm them.