2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
If the “bomb” is already at the start, then it is most likely not worth continuing. But what if something else can be done? Let's talk about everything in order.
Why do we have strong unpleasant feelings?
(Often these feelings are pain and anger due to feelings of rejection and uselessness.)
- The partner really does something that speaks of his indifference, neglect, irresponsibility, or some other unpleasant attitude towards us. That is, the partner really does not treat us the way we would like. Or does not have the qualities that we expect from him.
- My partner and I have different models of behavior, different models of expressing feelings and different ideas about what is “good” and what is “bad”. That is, the partner really treats us well, but expresses it in a language that is incomprehensible to us. He probably does not understand our language either.
- The partner treats us well, expresses his attitude in the language that suits us, but we are so deeply immersed in our pain that we do not accept a good attitude, we find a “wormhole” in everything, we see a catch in everything and a reason to sink into pain even deeper, shout “you don’t love me”.
Which exit?
Clarify the situation and test reality.
- Make up for yourself your own idea of the desired relationship - what you want in a relationship, which is an expression of love, affection, respect, etc.
- Pay attention to what is happening in reality. What exactly does the partner do? What gets into our “model”? What's missing, but like it? (Then you can expand your model.) What happens that you don't like, what exactly causes unpleasant feelings: the fact that your partner does not do something of what you want, or does something that is contrary to what you want?
- Talk to your partner. “For me, love is X. However, I see you doing Y, then I think and feel Z. What can you say about that?”
For example.
“It’s important for me to exchange messages“Good morning”and“Good night”every morning and every evening. Some days you text me and some days you don't. Some days you answer me, some days you don't. When you do not write to me and do not answer, it seems to me that you have forgotten about me, that I am not important to you, then I am angry and offended. Am I important to you? And what do you think about messaging in the mornings and evenings?"
And then act according to the situation.
If we are bombed because we are too deep in our pain, then we need to free ourselves from the pain. Therapy, spiritual practices, something else - everyone has their own path.
If my partner and I have different languages of expressing love, then there are two extreme options - we will find an option that suits both of us, or we are too different, do not fit each other and it is better to leave.
If the partner really does not have those feelings for us that we would like, or does not possess those qualities that are important for us in a partner, then there is only one option - to leave. But we fall into the traps of "hope" and "acceptance."
We are so afraid of abandoning a partner that we are trying to find an explanation and justification for his actions. And we think that we can “accept him as he is”, which we are taught from every iron.
Behind all of this there is the hope that someday something will change, the partner will become what we want, will love us the way we want, and we will live happily ever after.
This hope forces us to invest in something that is obviously unviable and only takes away our strength.
Imagine the situation. We're going to make a tomato salad. Right in the morning, as they wanted this salad, the stomach rumbled. We run joyfully to the store to choose the most delicious tomatoes. We approach the showcase, see a large red tomato in a box, take it - and find that it is rotten on the back side. Badabums.
What are we doing? We examine it, make sure that it is rotten, put it aside and choose other tomatoes that we like. Oh, is he the last one in this store? We go to another store. There are also no suitable ones? Ok, we put off the idea of a salad until the delivery of new tomatoes. So far, we eat cucumbers and corn.
But what do we do in the case of codependency? We grab this rotten tomato and suffer in doubts: “What if it’s not rotten, but it just seems to me?”, “What if it’s my fault that it’s so rotten? Then I can correct everything by my actions, he will not become rotten”,“What if I can warm him with my love and he will change?”.
We are trying to take on the blame and with it - the power over the situation.
Because if we do not do this, we will have to face an abyss of feelings: helplessness, loneliness, disappointment, pain of loss … It is so scary to face them that it seems more advantageous to lose strength in a knowingly losing battle with a rotten tomato. "Well, maybe I'll cut it off, and at least a tail, but it will go to the salad?"
To get out of ethereal hopes, it is important to come to terms with the fact that sometimes we are helpless and cannot change anything, some things do not depend on us, some things we cannot get. It hurts, but it's a fact.
But if you do not fight for the unrealizable, then you can get something else beautiful.
If you do not fight for the wrong partner, then you can finally choose the right one.
More materials on this topic in my books:
"What do we confuse love with, or is Love",
"Codependency in its own juice".
Books are available at Liters.
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