The Main Prohibition For A Woman In A Relationship

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Do you want to marry me? Disenchanting for women

“I know how to deal with men. I know all the tricks and tricks. I feel them intuitively: how to look, how to remove a strand of hair from your face, how to put your legs on your legs. I know that men need to be praised, they love compliments. I know that they need to be fed, they also love that. I can do it all! But why doesn't it all work ?! Why do they disappear and don't go into a serious relationship? I'm doing everything right! What's wrong with me? Or are they all some … ?!"

This is a generalized cry from the heart that I have heard from many women of different ages.

And the question "What's wrong with who?" arises for them not only at the entrance to a relationship. Not only when there are no relationships, and the woman strives for them, sorting out different options. But also in an already established relationship, when they have lived together for a year, three or ten years.

What happens to women in this case? Until they completely lose faith in men and call them one of the traditional bad words, women are intensely "understanding themselves." Women are primarily inclined to think that something is wrong with them.… And the long road begins to ensure that everything is “like this”.

Women read special literature, visit specialists, participate in trainings and programs, listen to video lectures, and sometimes undergo long-term psychotherapy. And, of course, they apply everything that they have managed to learn, master, study, realize, understand, feel.

As long as a woman is busy with this instrumental side of developing the skills of “communicating with men,” questions practically do not arise. Because in this case, there is almost always hope that I’ll learn this more, and everything will be fine. I’ll learn to be passive, I’ll learn to follow a man, I’ll learn to be sexy, I’ll learn to compliment them, I’ll learn to ask so that men want to fulfill a request, I’ll learn to be a bitch, I’ll learn … In any “learn” there is hope that this is what is missing …

But the most severe withdrawal for a woman occurs when someone or she herself asks the question: “Why are you doing all this? Why are you learning all this?"

She usually rounds her eyes and says: “How is it, why? I want a man to appear in my life. "

And if you ask her: “Why do you need a man in your life?”, The answers may be different, but they all come down to a general formula: “How different? After all, this is a woman's happiness - “I would be cute next to”.

After these questions, some women may begin a real journey towards understanding themselves and their needs. A lot of questions begin to wander in a woman's head:

- Is it really my need that I want to be with a man, to be married, or is it a tribute to the habits and stereotypes of society?

- Maybe I just feel inferior, flawed, because I do not have a man, or because I have “the wrong man”?

- And if this is so, then why should I tie my sense of well-being to a man, to his presence or absence, to his correspondence to some framework and patterns - height, weight, social status, size of wallet, car and other important components, responsibility and other criteria on the “list”?

For a long time, a woman's success has been strongly linked to her marital status. - who she is married to, how successful and secured is her husband, what is the status of her family in society. And in this case we are not talking about decades, and not even about centuries. For millennia, a man stood between the social world and a woman, opening up additional opportunities for a woman to survive and prosper.

And the fact that this is not so now does not change our habits, which from generation to generation were consolidated and turned into “natural ways of behavior”. Women continue to feel themselves at the “brides fair”, where they can become an attractive “prize” for a man. They may or may not be. It doesn't matter that the time has changed, that male and female roles and myths about them are now undergoing colossal changes, but it is very, very difficult for many women to get rid of the feeling of being at this “fair”.

The relationship myths we're used to

After all, it is obvious that:

Women are more interested in relationships than men, which means women need to work harder to get a man who “matches”.

It is also obvious that:

Men in relationships are consumers, and they need to be constantly gratified, which means that a man needs to become the best “mother” in the world.

It is also obvious that:

Men need sex first and foremost. In most cases, only sex is needed. And this means that a man needs to be constantly seduced and the more skillfully and sophisticated, the more chances he has to keep him close.

There is no doubt that:

Men need to be constantly “wisely led” to this. what a woman wants. It is a wise woman who will never speak directly about what she wants and what she needs, but will turn things around in such a way that the “narrow-minded man” will have the feeling that it was he who invented and decided this.

It is obvious

But what do we find under the obviousness so familiar to us?

In the psychology of transactional analysis, there is a concept of prescriptions that we make as decisions in our tender childhood. Decisions made in childhood affect our entire life, our attitude towards ourselves and the world.

"Don't be significant" is the main prohibition for a woman in a relationship

If we carefully consider all the myths, patterns and stereotypes, which largely control the space of relations between a man and a woman, then with the impression is that for the women of our culture, the prohibition “Don't Be Significant” is ringing the bells.

It sounds constantly, as if hypnotizing a woman:

“You are not important in a relationship. The man is important. His needs are important. His desires are important, his needs are important.

Do you want you to have a man? Then push yourself aside and go about satisfying him. Feed him, look after him, please him.

Seduce him, satisfy him in sex, pretend that you feel good even if you are not. Shout out loud so that he has no doubts that he is a tough lover! Don't ask for anything directly! You have no right! Don't say anything directly! You have no right!

Be wise! It means pretend and lie. At least until the moment when he gets used to you, he will not be able to do without you, and in the end he will marry you! And after that you can relax a little"

The more developed a woman is, the less distinct this text is. But he still exists! It sounds in a softer and more modern form. And he is undoubtedly affects how a woman feels in a relationship.

What does this lead to most often? The woman automatically resets herself at the entrance to the relationship. She does a lot that she is not ready to do all the time. Thus, she shows the man that she is “not important”, that first of all “he is important”.

Do you think it is difficult for a man to believe it? Not at all! It is very easy and tempting to believe in this. And it is very pleasant to agree with this. Time passes, and the woman's efforts dry up, she wants a return. Hence, you need to demand on the accounts. But you can't do it directly! We have to apply all these female tricks - insults, tantrums, claims …

Women masterfully learned to inform men at the entrance to a relationship that it is they, men, who are important. That their needs come first. And women are created in order to satisfy these needs.

And this happens without direct statements and words. This is broadcast by actions, deeds, silence, consent, and whatever else

I remember once at one of my groups there was a woman in her thirties who was terribly worried that the man with whom she lived did not show any initiative to marry her. In addition, he does not react in any way to the fact that she wants a child. She said that it was difficult for her to discuss this with him. That she cannot talk directly about the child and marriage. And that has been going on for several years. And she doesn't know what to do and how to influence it.

There was another woman in the group - a lady of venerable age, who by that time had already lived in Germany for a long time. She listened to the stories of a young woman, and then suddenly said: “How similar it is to our women. German women are much easier on this. They will not waste time in relationships that do not respond to their needs. The German woman at the entrance to the relationship says: “I am looking for a serious and long-term relationship, as I am going to have a family and a child. If starting a family is not part of your plans, then let's not waste your time or my time. If it enters, then let's try, maybe we will be good together and after a while we will be able to start a family.” And that's all, they do not worry and do not bother. And they do not take personally that a man may have other plans, and he may not want to start a family. It's his business, after all”

It is not only in Germany that women have learned to honestly declare their needs as soon as they enter a relationship. This is happening throughout Europe and North America. Largely due to the feminist movement, largely due to their active involvement in all social processes, women admitted the fact that they are IMPORTANT AND SIGNIFICANT. And in relationships with men as well.

I matter. My needs are important

The women of our culture are in great need of disenchantment. It's time for them to admit and accept their own worth. Accept and accept the importance of your needs, needs and goals in relationships with men.

Allow yourself to feel your needs and act in harmony with them

If you like to cook for yourself, if in principle you love to cook, then do it with pleasure for a man. But don't pretend to be a busy housekeeper just because you think a man needs it.

If you like a string of pearls, sexy stockings and seductive cleavage, if YOU like it, lift YOUR mood and enhance YOUR libido, rejoice and enjoy it. But don't put on this masquerade just to impress a man. If you yourself hate all those stockings, see-through negligees and sexy lingerie, walk around the house naked and have fun.

If you are looking for a long-term relationship with a man and want to start a family, be open about it. Without embarrassment, without fear, without fear! After all, this is your desire, your need. Give the man the opportunity to genuinely respond to her. If marriage is not part of his plans, do not hesitate, he will let you know. And it will be great. In any case, it is much better than if you were pretending, pretending that you do not need all this marriage, secretly desiring it passionately and hoping to “somehow cunningly bring him to the registry office”.

And remember to say that you want to start a family (or that you are not going to get married), does not mean at all that you are "in charge of the relationship", "Play the leading role", "push the man." It only means that you are honest with yourself and with him.

If you are not going to give all of yourself to your family and become a housewife, report it directly and immediately. But do not pretend that you are ready to do anything for the sake of the family, hoping that in the future "somehow everything will work out and work out."

If you feel good with yourself, you will feel good with other people - with men, women, girlfriends and loved ones

If you are sensitive to your needs, know them and accept that they are SIGNIFICANT AND IMPORTANT, then the need to lie, pretend, cheat and deceive disappears. Instead, freedom comes. The freedom to be yourself. The freedom to love another without infringing upon yourself. The freedom to be loved without infringing upon yourself. The freedom to create relationships that are good for everyone!