They Don't Hear Me. The Relationship Between A Man And A Woman. Relationship Psychology

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

All the problems and difficulties that arise in a relationship with a partner should always be spoken out loud. However, many of you are faced with a situation where this approach does not work - your partner simply does not hear you, and because of this, an annoying powerlessness arises. What to do about it? And why is this happening?

You should definitely not call your partner a narcissist and disperse!

In our time, the scale of narcissism reaches such a colossal level that the situation often turns into absurd and ridiculous.

In fact, the problem of "partner deafness in a relationship" can be in different aspects, and it is not a fact that a person can be a narcissist (this happens only in 50% of cases).

So, you explain something to your partner, but he does not understand. Before we label a person, diagnose, and end a relationship, let's understand all aspects of the problem.

The most important criteria in the context of this question:

Quite often, partners present claims and demands to each other instead of asking. Using an example from professional experience - recently there was a couple at a session in which partners made claims to each other throughout almost the entire consultation (“You didn't say that!”, “You should have thrown out the harvester! - No! I need it!”, “Where will we put it ?!”,“Why don't you want to put it there?”, Etc.).

This exchange of claims and making demands takes people a lot of time.

When the partners were asked to highlight the basic need, it turned out that the man wanted to have a personal space, “his own corner”, where he could be the master (throw away, transfer things, etc.), and the woman wanted him not to touch her personal things.

First of all, we find out our deepest need for all claims and requirements (perhaps the essence of the problem is not in a cup and a spoon, but in violation of your boundaries - you want to be respected as a person, you want to have your own space, not to constantly follow the requirements and desires partner).

Then try to formulate your claim in the form of a request: “You know, I now quite painfully perceive the fact that I do not have my own place, my boundaries … Let me do as I want, as it is convenient for me. I want to be the mistress (master) of my words."

Negotiate, ask and negotiate! Often, in married couples, people fixate on their grievances, accumulated discontent, so they begin to unload everything to their partner at once in the form of demands. Try to reduce the degree of aggression towards a loved one. Choose the right form of communication with your partner.

In general, this is a separate art that is worth paying attention to. The way in which we say something to our partner and at what moment means a lot to him. Often we ask or say something in the same tone and words, respectively, the person does not get the essence of the conversation (“I“hammer”him the same thing, but he does not hear me!”). Change the form for submitting information!

There is an excellent book by Joseph Zinker, In Search of Good Form: Gestalt Therapy with Married Couples and Families, in which the famous American psychotherapist brings the main idea of relationship psychology to the reader - learn to talk with a person, constantly practice this skill, try to talk about your pain, needs, requests and requests in different ways and options (even swap words!).

Quite often we try to "hammer" some thought into a person's head in the same way, but this approach simply does not suit him. Look at yourself from the outside, analyze the form you are using. Here I want to give an example from personal experience.

At about 3-4 years of study in gestalt, my loved one had a multiple crisis (difficulties at work, problems in the family, etc.). I really wanted to support him, looked for various ways, tried to give advice, but I felt that all this was not helping. In the end, everything turned out to be ingeniously simple - it was enough to ask your partner how to help him! The answer was ingenuous and open: “Listen, just say that everything will be fine!”. Surprisingly, Gestalt teaches that the phrase "Everything will be fine!" means absolutely nothing and is perceived by a person as "Leave me alone, shut up, and everything will work out for you!" So, choose a form of communication and ask the person directly how to explain to him, how to help, etc. ("I would like this, please explain how to convey this idea to you? Why are you resisting? You do not understand my need, or what is the matter?").

Another option is to ask people close to you (from the outside) why the partner can resist and not be included in your need, tell them exactly what you are saying. As a rule, if a person listens to you carefully, it means that he is emotionally involved in this issue. In this case, you can try to apply in communication the same phrases that you use in a conversation with your partner (the main thing is to choose the right person so that “quarrels in public” are not taken out, otherwise the couple's attitude towards the family and directly to the partner will change), and let a confidant from the outside tell you how it sounds.

It is beneficial for you that your partner does not understand you. Why? There could be two reasons. The first - for you, the position of the offended is more familiar; the second - perhaps you are accustomed to being frustrated (in this case, you should carefully analyze your childhood, objects of attachment, in particular the mother's figure - this can be any person who was directly involved in your upbringing, had a special influence on the psyche, etc.)). Most likely, you did not take something from the mother's figure, so you are trying to fulfill this need through your partner and, as a result, make him guilty, obliged, demanding something (however, in fact, the person does not owe you anything).

On the whole, neither partner owes anything to the other. You can give something to each other (love, support, support, care, attention), but you don't have to. This is why a partner can often look like a narcissist when you do something to see him as rejection. Such behavior is acted out on purpose, but unconsciously, this is a scenario in which you are used to acting - you deliberately talk with your partner so that he rejects you, because then it is more customary to sit and torment ("I am so unhappy, they reject me, they do not like me, they hurt me!") … Then the situation repeats itself one to one, as with your early object of attachment, with the mother figure.

If your mother seemed rejecting, cold and inattentive to you, you will play this story in a relationship (marriage or close relationship does not matter). A close relationship presupposes your attraction to the person ("Well, please give me what mom or dad didn't give!"). Regardless of whether you are a man or a woman, we each form with our mother basic aspirations for attachment and emotional contact.

If we lacked something in childhood, it was insulting, painful, very difficult, we transfer all this to adult relationships and, accordingly, we walk and suffer - "Nobody understands me!" No matter how many partners you change, every next person will also not understand you. Surprisingly, initially there is understanding in the relationship, the partners adjust to each other, because there is still no such projection mask (it appears only after a year, two or three).

A useful recommendation about choosing the "right" words - grow up and get out of the child's position, which you automatically fall into, feeling like a child next to a mother who did not satisfy your needs. You are an adult, so try to lift yourself up and solve the problem in an adult way ("How else can I ask? How else can I say? How can I ask?"). It is precisely to ask, not to demand - the child demands, the adult asks, because he understands that no one owes him anything (if he wants, he will do it; if he does not want, he will not do it).