Should I Leave My Partner? I Think About It All The Time. Reasons And What To Do? Relationship Psychology And Personality Psychology

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Why can one of the partners rush between the choice to leave the partner or stay? What to do in this case?

In fact, this phenomenon is not uncommon - many people come to personal consultations with a similar request. And here it is worth understanding in more detail. Sometimes a person can change several partners, but keep stepping on the same rake all the time, he constantly becomes very uncomfortable in a relationship. The reason is either different every time, or the same, but he cannot cope with it on his own, therefore he breaks off the relationship and suffers, first experiencing grief from the breakup, and then doubts and fears in finding a new partner. However, the point is not in the partner himself, but in what happens inside such a person.

Two main factors can be distinguished - such people are characterized by some counterdependence, or they are so unconsciously separated from their parents. They do not have the feeling that the separation from the parental figures has occurred, therefore, trying to separate from the partner, they seem to say to their consciousness: "Look, I was able to get away from him!"

So, what influences the emergence of such doubts in one of the partners? It is often pain that relationships are more stressful than pleasure and relaxation. The origins must be looked for in childhood - perhaps in the family people received more negativity (insults, humiliation, condemnation, the person was not accepted as he is). And then, in an adult relationship, he has to strain very hard, to play a foreign role for himself.

Breaking up and leaving your partner will not close your deep need for relaxation, for trust, acceptance, recognition, comfort in relationships, so that they are calm and cozy. All of these needs are very difficult for a traumatized person to realize in a real relationship. What to do in such cases? The best option is psychotherapy. There is no other way to change this type of character. Why? All other options are so unstable that they will not provide you with security in the relationship, and this is the basic need of a person with a similar character and trauma (the partner with whom the relationship is built must be completely emotionally safe so that you can trust, and is available at least once a week at the agreed time)

There are people who, without separating from their parents, went into a codependent relationship - they find a partner, cling to him and live like that. There is another category - those who are comfortable with another person, but not with themselves. The last option is people who act out a counter-scenario against any model of dependence (in this case, they perceive attachment as something terrible, they are afraid of merging with a partner, absorption - as a loved one themselves, and vice versa). These fears are so deep that it is simply impossible to build close relationships. As a rule, a strong desire to leave a partner arises at the moments when the relationship becomes closer (something happened in the couple, and you realized that the partner perceives you as you really are - and after realizing the whole situation, you have a strong desire to run away) - I'd rather run away, because there is a great danger that I can fall in love completely and become dependent on him, relax, let my inner child go out, and then this person will hurt me. In reality, this belief is very unconscious.

Outwardly, people with similar psychological problems look very independent ("I can do everything myself! I don't need anyone!" those who can withstand me can be with me!”). And here different checks can appear, and borderline acting out - to throw a partner to see if he comes back, whether he will run after him. It is important to understand that the root of the problem is within you and is connected with your parents.

Why is it possible to change everything only in therapy sessions? Only having received an inner, deep experience of other relationships, you can transfer this into your personal life and not be so afraid of intimacy. Proximity in therapy develops very slowly - in small steps, it can be paused, control the distance with the therapist. Good therapists are very careful with people with avoidant personality type, with counterdependence, do not violate their boundaries. Regardless of the type of character (in life, a person can be choleric and very active), some of their psychological processes take much longer, especially in relation to intimacy.

Relatively speaking, trauma is a “stop” of our psyche at some point in development. Counterdependence is a developmental moment at the age of 3 years, the earliest period when the first separation should occur. For some reason, the separation from the parental figures did not happen or it was rather painful and abrupt, as a result, the child withdrew into himself, deciding that he would not be attached to anyone. There are many options for the development of this situation, but the result is the same - a person moves away from intimacy, although he really wants to experience it. That is why, if you have met such a person in a relationship, make an effort on yourself and allow him to move at an acceptable pace for him. Do not put pressure on your partner, let your intimacy form slowly, then it will be true intimacy.