2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Your partner always blames you for everything, what should you do? To begin with, be aware of the fact that there is something inside you that makes the other person take responsibility and shift the blame onto you. Accordingly, you somehow translate this into contact. Your task is to figure out why others accuse you of something that you did not do.
You really do take the blame on yourself (even if you are not guilty!)
What to do in such a situation? It is very important that you constantly ask yourself: "Am I to blame for what has happened now?"
For example, a couple went to the store to shop, but when they were putting the bags in the car, it turned out that the car had broken down. The man's reaction: “This is all because of you, why was it impossible to go tomorrow? Was it obligatory to buy all this today ?!”. How is the breakdown related to purchases? In fact, the partner was just upset, he needed to blame someone for the problem. With his accusations, a man expresses frustration, discontent and frustration - he does not know otherwise. What should you do? Calmly listen to the accusations and inside yourself say that your fault is not now (“It’s not my fault that the car broke down!”). Further - act according to the situation. Immediately besiege your partner (“This is not because of me!”) Or wait a few days until the intensity of passions has cooled down, and remind of an unpleasant situation, choosing the correct form of communication and tone so as not to hurt the person (“Do you really think that the machine broke because of me? ).
Your task is not to take revenge on your partner by returning him the pain you experienced, but to convey to his consciousness all the illogicality and uselessness of such accusations. If just such a task is set, there will be no problems. If you are offended, angry (how - you scolded or accused the princess (prince)!), The problem will arise unambiguously. Suppress resentment, anger and injustice within yourself. Understand that the words were not addressed to you - this is the partner's habit of reacting to frustration and frustration.
You are responsible for the feelings of the other person
This means that you tend to take on this responsibility, you do not separate yourself from the other. Perhaps here we can still talk about codependent relationships, when you live not for yourself, but for others, completely adjusting your personality to their needs and requirements.
Childhood guilt complex.
The mother's figure or the family as a whole, perhaps other people who raised you, could have instilled in you some responsibility for all the events that take place in the family circle.
For example:
- You had infantile parents. Accordingly, you felt much more mature and more responsible than they did.
- The mother's figure blamed you for everything ("It happened because of you! I gave you life, and what did you do to me?"), In fact, the mother had one message to the child - "you owe me."
- Emotionally (or physically) absent mother - for example, a woman spent a lot of time at work, or was in a state of deep depression.
As a consequence, the child takes on the blame. The main stage in the formation of the psyche falls on average at the age of three to seven years. The baby is clearly aware that if he cries, he will be taken in his arms; if he screams, they will feed him; if shoved, they will leave alone. The whole world is reacting, which means that it does something special for this. Only in this case, the people around him will behave the way he wants. Growing up, the child continues to think the same way. At 2-4 years old, the narcissistic period begins (each baby is different), when the whole world really revolves around a small family member (“Hello, my little one!”, “What a beauty you are!”, “Do you want a cookie? be potatoes? "," Let's go for a walk. Why are you upset? What happened? Do you have a pain? Did you fall? ", etc.). If the child retains a guilt complex (everything in this world happens because of him), he continues to think that all his actions are directly related to the response of the world. Accordingly, if the world does not react the way you want, then you have done something wrong!
Unhappy or emotionally cold mother - you did something wrong (you said the wrong thing, acted wrong (for her), the look was wrong, etc. In this situation, you had a certain function in relation to the mother. Ask yourself - which one? How did you save your mother, consoled her, amused, soothed? You continue to perform the same function for your partner. This is how a guilt complex is formed, when no one seems to blame you, but you unconsciously convinced yourself: “So, I have to do something!” At this point, you have an uncovered gestalt.
As a result, such a person finds himself a partner who is always dissatisfied with life, who will constantly voice everything that "sits" in your head, confirming the worst thoughts and fears. As a result, he will continue to do everything that he could not do for the mother's figure (mom, dad, grandmother, grandfather - any family member in relation to whom he was more emotionally charged and turned on)!
Understand that such behavior is solely your need (this is not such a partner!). You want to close the gestalt, to show yourself from the good side ("I'm great, I corrected this situation! I couldn't with my mother, but everything worked out with my partner!"). In reality, the main problem is that the situation can no longer be corrected. Everything that is in the present tense is fictional and covered by your projections, then you will consciously or unconsciously broadcast or demand behavior that provokes a situation from childhood.
What to do? It is imperative to close that gestalt through various means and techniques. The best option is psychotherapy sessions.
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