Daughters - Mothers

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Let's talk about mothers of adult daughters. Many mothers never come to terms with time and firmly refuse with their consciousness to perceive adult daughters as adults. Often such mothers invade your personal life, give you advice that you did not ask for, criticize you, accuse you of your incompetence in caring for a child: they seem to let you know all the time: "Anyway, I know better and understand better." Thus, your mother is trying to knock the ground out from under your feet, deprive you of self-confidence and compete with your own daughter on the topic: who is more important, who is more important, who is smarter, better, more beautiful. There are countless reasons for competition.

Of course, such a mother has always been like that and constantly infantilized her daughter by instilling her own insignificance and worthlessness into her. Sooner or later, the daughter begins to understand that something is wrong in her relationship with her mother. But how to cope with such a mother so that she stops poisoning life, the daughter does not know. After all, as a rule, such a mother teaches from childhood rigidly: “You don’t have to eat a mother, otherwise I’ll deprive you of my support and love”; "mother is sacred."

No one teaches us how to cope with maternal despotism, and often the daughters of such mothers run away from them into an absolutely rash and emotionally risky marriage with a man, and then return after a divorce to their mothers, like beaten dogs, with a strengthened thought - " told me that it will be so, my mother is always right. " Moreover, such mothers often show miracles of hyper-caring and this confuses the daughter, misleads the daughter about her mother's love, but hyper-protectiveness is more a desire to rule and rule than love.

The second category of mothers are cold and alienated like a concrete wall and are included in communication only to devalue and compete with their daughter. And how to cope, you ask? Not easy! I believe the best medicine for such a relationship would be to increase the distance with the mother and build clear boundaries with her, beyond which she is not allowed to penetrate, the use of words such as "no" and "stop". But some mothers, in response to these boundaries, further increase the pressure, manipulate even more out of fear of losing a relationship with her - play in silence or reproach and "pedal" your guilt: "how dare you say" no "to her, if you should be we are grateful to her for her life, for the fact that she raised you and for the sake of you gave up herself and her life. " Remember: a good mother will never leave her child, so if your mother went into silence for a while just because you told her: "You can't talk to me like that" or don't "interfere with my life", give her time if she loves, will get back in touch with you. In the end, it's her decision to leave you. And if mom presses on your gratitude for her sacrifices for you, then give her responsibility for her own choice to live and do not take responsibility for her decisions.

You are innocent to her and owe her nothing. What your mother has put into you care and love, if of course she has invested, you will pass on to your children, and do not return it to your mother: in the latter case of repayment of debts to your mother, you become her parent, and she is your child. So, increasing the distance with such a mother may well help. Do not expect your mom to change someday, do not try to devote your life to proving to her that you are good, this will never happen, since your mom has a narcissistic character structure - this will never change. You can only accept this serious defect of your mother and maintain clear boundaries, treating her like a sick child who has not overcome the pain of his childhood traumas and is acting out them on you.

From specific advice, I can say that breaking contact works at the moment when your mother begins to cross the line - just stop the conversation and do not be afraid that your mother will not survive it. You can say this: Stop! I won't listen to it anymore. And hang up or go to another room. Do not fight her, do not try to change her, but break the contact. If the mother continues to intrude, then more aggressive ways of slowing her down are needed: it's up to you how to do it. But I don't think the best solution would be to let your mom dominate your life until the very end. Finally, on the subject, I would advise you to watch Ingmar Bergman's wonderful film "Autumn Sonata".

Have you ever been in such situations? Did you need to cut contacts? Share your opinion on the competition between mother and daughter in the comments.