Daughters And Their Fathers. About Emotional Trauma

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

I was inspired to write this article by the recently read book "Emotional Female Trauma" by Linda S. Leonard, my clients and my personal life experience. I hope this difficult article will help many girls and women take the first step towards changing their lives

In the life of every girl, girl, woman there is a father. Unfortunately, as the experience of my practice shows, the experience of my colleagues, girlfriends, acquaintances and even relatives, good relations with my father are rare. Only on a few occasions, I have met a father who was strong, balanced, reliable, firm, active, but at the same time was emotionally warm, loving, compassionate, gentle, caring and attentive person.

Whatever the father is, it can affect his daughter's whole life. Even if she never saw him, or he was divorced from his mother, or in the life of a girl until a certain age, or died. Death is the end of life, but not the end of a relationship, and sometimes relationships that continue for daughters whose fathers are not alive experience even greater difficulties in different areas of life: emotional, professional and personal. These girls lack father's advice to overcome difficulties. in life, or just a person who will become a support and support in their formation. Some girls who have been traumatized in a father-daughter relationship choose a man with a large age difference (from 8-10 years) as a life partner, who at a subconscious level is a substitute for their father, but does not look like him, because the qualities inherent in the second are avoided and associated with shame, anger, and sometimes hatred.

Here is one story: “I have feelings of dislike and unwillingness to communicate with my father. He is a stranger to me. Any resemblance of young people to my father scares me, and if I see any similarities and habits in them, I end this relationship. Unfortunately, all these negative feelings towards the father do not allow us to realize two very important things. The first is that the father, being a weak, soulless, insecure person, or tough, cold and emotionally detached, once received an emotional trauma (from his father, for example) and suffers from it. The second thing is connected with the emotions of the girl herself. Rejecting her father, she not only renounces his negative, but also all his positive qualities, thereby rejecting not only her father, but all men. in her shame of her father, who, for example, drank or did not have a permanent job, she creates in her imagination the image of the ideal person whom she will look for in life. It is very likely that her relationships with men, especially in the area of sexuality, will be disrupted.

Above, I casually listed the qualities and traits of a father, thanks to which a daughter can be injured. It's time to take a closer look at them. The most common and common reaction to an irresponsible father is the desire to do what he has not done and has not achieved in the social and professional sphere. Such girls, as a rule, are active in life, elders, leaders in companies, they receive a gold medal at school, a red diploma at a university, and become successful business women in the future. This happens because the girl rejects her father, does not accept his weakness, taking on the role of a courageous, purposeful, responsible, strong woman. In this case, the daughter fights against her father.

Such girls adhere to the principle - do or die. They only strive forward, forgetting about their femininity, considering it a manifestation of weakness. Thus, they are deprived of connection with life, in order to satisfy the need for strength, which they realize through self-defense, protecting themselves from everything that they cannot control.

Among the reactions to an emotionally cold and authoritarian father are distinguished: inactivity and passive resentment; a complex of fulfillment of duty to the father, who dominates the daughter; dependence on men; excessive servility in the role of wife and / or mother. “My father is a military man. And, probably, that says it all. Until the age of 23, I came home at 10 o'clock, like a little girl, reporting back where I was and with whom. The first time I was growing up, he did not allow me to meet with anyone, believing that I was "not ready" yet. I am grateful to him for his good education, the purchase of a car, but, unfortunately, there was never any warmth and sincerity in his actions. I've always missed it. I followed his lead, going to graduate school, working on the job that he found for me. Sometimes it seems to me that I cannot make decisions in life because of such a relationship with him. It is difficult for me to build relationships with young people, it seemed that I never loved in relationships, but simply was in them, obeying young people, not feeling true desires and what I really want from these relationships. " There are dozens of such stories … Most likely, the girl in such a relationship was brought up by her father as a son, and he, thus, tried to compensate for his own unrealized opportunities. A tough, cold, and sometimes completely indifferent father enslaves his daughter by the force of an authoritarian attitude. Such fathers prioritize obedience, duty, and rationality. Since such women experienced a harsh and rude attitude from their father, who was unable to recognize and reveal their femininity, in later life they will probably treat themselves and others the same way. If you are in a similar situation, do the following exercise. Ask yourself the question: "Why do I still need a father who dominates me, makes decisions for me and prevents me from developing as a woman and person?" Try to realize what is important and interesting to you. Separate your father's desires and goals from yours. Consider how you can make decisions and take responsibility for your life without relying on your father's opinion and control.

I have an assumption that some girls and women who have unexpressed mixed feelings towards their fathers, and indeed any negative feelings in general, will not be able to separate from them (separate) and build a mature relationship in life with a man. This is evidenced by the following case: “My father was always a weak person. My mother always dominated and made decisions in the family. She ruled over him, suppressing him, and he did not oppose this. When I grew up to the age of starting a relationship, it became difficult for me. I started dating young people and realized that I had no trust in them, I did not feel safe with them, and I could not relax when it came to intimacy. I closed myself, as if in the shell of my mental pain, … and then parted with them, suffering, angry and blaming my father with everything ….

Among the emotional reactions to an irresponsible, weak, and sometimes tough, authoritarian father, the following are distinguished: rage (anger), tears and pain bordering on despair. Rage can be a result of feelings of abandonment, betrayal and rejection of a daughter, which can bring a girl back to a relationship with her father, and which can arise over and over again in a relationship that is meaningful to her. Often, rage is mixed with feelings of jealousy and revenge, which are powerful enough to destroy any relationship and a woman's ability to love and respect herself.

Too good an attitude towards the father can also prevent a woman or girl from building relationships with real men and often does not allow her to realize her professional capabilities and herself as a person, since the image of an ideal father in their eyes is so idealized that they cannot see their value and their contribution to the outside world. To free your father inside you, you need to acknowledge his negative side and perceive your father as an ordinary person.

Expressing feelings to your father is always painful, no matter what they are. For many, this is trash buried in the attic of consciousness, which one does not want to clean from dust and bring to its proper form. For some, this is a fresh wound in the heart and soul, on which they do not want to sprinkle salt. For some, this is indifference, behind the mask of which there may be gratitude, and pity, and anger, and guilt, and shame, and love …

Write a letter to your father. Express in it your attitude towards him, the emotions that you have, what you want to talk about. What successes to boast of, what failures and achievements?

Write whatever comes to your mind, do not analyze in advance what you want to write. Be honest with yourself about your feelings for him. Tell him in a letter what you took from him, and so that you would never want to have from him, but, nevertheless, it is in you. What have you done or not done in your relationship with your father? What positive qualities does he have and for what are you grateful to him? How can you change your relationship, and if your father has been dead for a long time, how can you change your attitude towards him?

Finding a new relationship with the father is an important problem for any woman who has broken bond with her father. Releasing the "inner father" can involve a "change of fantasy" about what a father should be and what he should do. I wish you success in that!