Daughters Who Were Disliked And The Heavy Burden Of Family Secrets

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

“Throughout my childhood, my mother devalued my academic success, saying that at least I should succeed, otherwise I’m so ugly and fat. She made me feel terrible every day. Imagine my surprise when I found out as an adult that she bragged about my success to others because it made her a successful mother in the eyes of others. This was the last straw. Just classic hypocrisy."

A mother who doesn't love her child is one of the most taboo topics for both sides of this drama. Such situations have long been no secret for people of any helping profession. It is difficult for a mother to admit to herself that she does not love the child, it is difficult to see, for one reason or another, the scarcity of her resource and to ask for help, and for a daughter who has experienced childhood in such a family, it is difficult to see the reality undistorted by her lovelessness.

This article is just about the importance of having the right to talk about such a trauma - not in order to blame someone, but only so that the pain does not remain inside a poisonous silence, in order to have the right to say “no, this is not with me. not all right, I just went through a very difficult experience. And it is especially difficult to talk about this when from the outside, for others, the family seemed absolutely normal, if not ideal, and when “dislike” is not about a hungry childhood and beatings.

"When I tell people about my childhood, and they answer that I had nothing to complain about, I always say: if only you could see through the impenetrable thickness of family walls …"

Two things I hear from readers all the time when I write about toxic mothers. The very first - "I thought I was the only one" and in these words all the loneliness of an unloved child. The second - “I never told anyone about this, because I was afraid that no one would believe me and even if they did, they would think that it was my fault.”

The Rule of Silence, as I call it, is part of the unloved daughters problem, because discussing mothering behavior is taboo. The irony is that such mothers - whether they are narcissistic, overcontrolled, emotionally unavailable, or overly conflicted - care a lot about what other people think.

The daughter's emotional confusion and pain is exacerbated by the difference that can be observed between how a mother treats her daughter in public and how when they are alone.

The reality is that most of these mothers seem wonderful to those around them. Even if they are not wealthy, such mothers may have the image of an ideal housewife, with children dressed and fed. Often, they participate in various local meetings, charitable initiatives - public image is very important for them.

“Throughout my childhood, my mother devalued my academic success, saying that at least I should succeed, otherwise I’m so ugly and fat. She made me feel terrible every day. Imagine my surprise when I found out as an adult that she bragged about my success to others because it made her a successful mother in the eyes of others. This was the last straw. Just classic hypocrisy."

Hiding from direct sight

Sometimes distant relatives are aware of what is happening in the family, but it is served to them with sauce, our daughter is such a "difficult" child, "capricious", "too sensitive" or "she needs to be kept within the framework", "she needs strictness" - this justifies the specific attitude towards the child, otherwise people would have questions.

But more often than not, the true state of affairs, this "secret", remains within the family. When all distant relatives and friends get together, such gatherings are organized by the mother, among other things, to maintain her image of a loving, attentive and family woman.

Sometimes fathers are directly involved in this negative attitude of the mother towards the daughter, but more often not. They may turn a blind eye to their spouse's behavior or accept her explanations because they believed in their idea "I know how to raise children, this is a woman's business." In some families, the father finds a way to support his daughter, even if not openly:

“My father did not want to directly conflict with my mother and become a target for her aggression. But he showed his love and support imperceptibly, not as openly as I would like, but nevertheless I felt his protection. It helped noticeably. It didn’t change the pain that my mother’s attitude caused me, but the truth was easier.”

In other families, the "secret" is known to the sister or brother, who compete with each other with a sporting passion for the mother's love and affection. A controlling and conflicted mother, as well as a mother with narcissistic traits, give out such support "in portions" so that all attention is where, in her opinion, it should be: only on her.

Undercover fighting and gaslighting

Family secrets plunge the daughter, who already does not feel appropriate, into isolation. It is not surprising that the huge question that haunts these children is very simple: if the people who are supposed to love me do not love me, then who in the whole world will love?

This question, as a rule, drowns out all the applause that is heard towards an unloved daughter from the outside world - nothing can raise self-esteem, not new friends, not school success, not talent in anything.

The attitude of a mother to her daughter continues to distort the feeling of a daughter's self - drop by drop, drop by drop, endless drops of doubt. In fact, in any hidden struggle - including gaslighting - the consequences are the most destructive, precisely from an unobvious conflict.

“When I grew up and tried to talk to my mother about what she told me and what she did to me, she simply denied that it happened at all. She directly accused me of turning everything upside down. She called me crazy and told my brother to call me crazy Jenny. I know that I was right, but still at some level I could not believe in myself and my inner struggle is still going on. I can never believe my perception of things, you know."

Why is it so hard to break the silence

It is difficult to overestimate the complexity of the emotional bond between unloved daughters and their mothers. They still want their mothers to love them, even when they see that the mother simply does not have this love. They feel unloved and totally isolated, but fear that speaking openly about this issue will bring even MORE shame and feelings of isolation. And most of all they worry that no one will believe them.

Researchers estimate that about 40% - 50% of children are not satisfied with their emotional needs in childhood and have an unsafe attachment style. Family secrets make life difficult for these children, and now for adults, it is difficult for them to feel that they are being heard and supported.

And if you were lucky and you had a loving mother or loving parents, and even if not an “ideal” childhood, but still one that helped you get on your feet confidently, I very much ask you to remember these numbers and understand that it was not with everyone.