Money And Family. How Does The Level Of Family Well-being Affect The Nature Of The Spouses' Communication And The Strength Of The Marriage?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Money and family. In half of the families of Russia and the world, there is a noticeable material and financial bias towards one of the spouses. And we will not change this situation in any way. At least because:

Among men and women, there are many such mercantile and selfish people who perceive the creation of a family as the best way … to improve their financial situation. To put it simply, work a little less in life.

Interestingly, it is rather difficult to condemn these men and women. After all, it is thanks to the presence of such men and women that they get married and get married … women and men of two other categories - hard workers and the so-called "strange". In this sense, one should penetrate:

At all times, love and family relationships are the most effective way to redistribute material wealth

In general, the fact that half of the world's families are created by men and women with significantly different income levels and the presence of the notorious apartment cars, we admit, although creating problems, is nevertheless normal and natural. Now it is important to understand: in which cases this can lead to cracks in the marriage, and in which - only it strengthens and cements.

Before giving an answer to this question, I will express my opinion. When talking about a particular family, people often evaluate it as “rich or poor”. Meanwhile, from my professional point of view, when assessing the level of family well-being, at least six factors should be taken into account:

Six factors influencing the level of family well-being on the nature of the spouses' communication and the strength of the marriage:

Factor 1. Money and family - The amount of property of each spouse, the level of income of each spouse, their real contribution to the family piggy bank.

Factor 2. Money and family - The nature of the ideas of each of the spouses about what level of income each partner should have, for the family as a whole.

Factor 3. Money and family - The specifics of financial behavior separately for the husband and separately for the wife.

Factor 4. Money and Family - The spouses' assessment of each other's financial behavior: positive or negative.

Factor 5. Money and Family - The proportion of funds spent on each of the spouses (excluding children).

Factor 6. Money and family - The influence of parents on the formation and spending of the family budget in the family of their children, their positive or negative assessment of the financial behavior of the husband and wife.

Now I will clearly show how it looks in practice.

Example 1. A family of good strength

Semyon, 34 years old, Galina, 35 years old (two children)

Factor 1. The amount of property of each spouse, the level of income of each spouse, their contribution to the family piggy bank. Semyon is a municipal employee, earns thirty thousand rubles, Galina is a teacher at the university, earns twenty thousand rubles. The apartment was bought by the spouses already married, through joint efforts. It is obvious that the family budget is formed by joint efforts, in approximately equal proportions.

Factor 2. The nature of the ideas of each of the spouses about what level of income each partner and in the family as a whole should have. Semyon and Galina initially, even before meeting each other, believed that husband and wife should be financially approximately equal. The existing situation suits them.

Factor 3. The specifics of the financial behavior of a husband and wife separately. In a couple, no one is trying to hide their income "in the shadows", all income and expenses are completely transparent, none of the spouses reproaches each other that he "earns too little."Both spouses understand that, given the available income, the family's only financial strategy is systematic accumulation. Therefore, they both moderate their appetites and do not waste money or "on a beautiful life", believing that they will have time to live more wastefully after forty years, when they have completely solved all the material problems facing the family (a large apartment for themselves, an apartment for a son, two cars, country house).

Factor 4. The spouses' assessment of each other's financial behavior (positive or negative). Semyon and Galina consider each other's financial behavior to be optimal and correct. Nobody blames anyone for spending.

Factor 5. Proportions of funds spent on each of the spouses (excluding children). Spouses try to spend on each other approximately equal amount of funds on an annualized basis. At the same time, with current expenses, the family budget is mainly in the hands of Galina. As a woman, she spends a little more money on herself a month than her husband. She often makes small purchases, but several times a year, large purchases are made to her husband and both spouses are happy.

Factor 6. Influence of parents on the formation and spending of the family budget in the family of their children, their positive or negative assessment of the financial behavior of husband and wife. The parents of Semyon and Galina themselves are constrained in financial matters, they are very glad that their children earn their own living, therefore they do not have any influence on the young family. Moreover, they only praise the "policy of accumulation" pursued by the family of Semyon and Galina, thereby only strengthening the family. The only thing that grandparents can afford is to buy small gifts and things for their grandchildren. Semyon and Galina only welcome this.

Conclusion (money and family): The behavior of this family optimally corresponds to both the level of income of the spouses and the level of material well-being of the spouses before the wedding. Any problems derived from the level of the family's material and financial life are not forecasted in the near future.

Example 2. A family of good strength

Oleg, 32 years old, Elena, 28 years old (one child)

Factor 1. The amount of property of each spouse, the level of income of each spouse, their contribution to the family piggy bank. Oleg is the head of a department in a bank, earns seventy thousand rubles a month, Elena works as a fitness instructor for half a working day, earns twenty thousand rubles. The apartment was bought by Oleg even before marriage, including through the efforts of his parents. It is obvious that the family budget is formed mainly by the husband.

Factor 2. The nature of the ideas of each of the spouses about what level of income each partner and in the family as a whole should have. Oleg always believed that he would be the main source of income for the family. Immediately he was looking for a wife who would be financially dependent on him, but still working. Elena also planned to work in life, but at the same time, to marry a financially wealthier man. The existing situation is completely satisfactory for both spouses.

Factor 3. The specifics of the financial behavior of the husband and wife separately. In a couple, no one is trying to hide their incomes "in the shadows", all incomes and expenses are completely transparent, none of the spouses reproaches each other that he "earns too little." The available funds are quite enough both for systematic accumulation and for annual trips abroad, going out to cafes every weekend. Both spouses are generally happy with their lives.

Factor 4. The spouses' assessment of each other's financial behavior (positive or negative). Oleg and Elena consider each other's financial behavior to be optimal and correct. Nobody blames anyone for spending. Oleg is glad that his wife does not check his card and he can sit with friends in a bar once or twice a month, under the guise of an “evening planning meeting with the chief” or the need to organize leisure for the inspectors from the head office in Moscow. But, the spouse knows the measure in everything.

Factor 5. The proportions of funds spent on each of the spouses (excluding children). Spouses spend quite a lot of money per month, but most of the spending is made when they go out to stores together on weekends, which automatically removes all questions. Elena understands that her husband needs to look respectable, so she accepts a slight bias towards the cost of his appearance without problems. At the same time, with current expenses, the family budget is mainly in the hands of Elena. With which she is very pleased.

Factor 6. Influence of parents on the formation and spending of the family budget in the family of their children, their positive or negative assessment of the financial behavior of husband and wife. Oleg's parents helped the young family very significantly, partially financed the purchase of an apartment and furnishings. Nevertheless, having gotten stronger financially, Oleg forbade his parents to help them, asking them to support his younger brother more. Oleg's parents treat Elena well, they never hint about her financial weakness in relation to her husband. Elena's parents are less wealthy, they respect a good son-in-law very much, do not climb into the family at all and only recommend that Elena cherish her husband.

Conclusion (money and family): The financial behavior of this family optimally corresponds to the pre-wedding ideas of a man and a woman about how they should live in marriage. Any problems derived from the level of the family's material and financial life are not forecasted in the near future.

Example 3. Family of average problem

Igor, 37 years old, Elena, 32 years old (one child)

Factor 1. The amount of property of each spouse, the level of income of each spouse, their contribution to the family piggy bank. Igor is a civil servant, a low-level clerk, earns thirty-five thousand rubles a month, Elena works as an administrator in a beauty salon, earns twenty thousand rubles. Igor inherited the apartment from his grandmother. The family budget is formed mainly by the husband.

Factor 2. The nature of the ideas of each of the spouses about what level of income each partner and in the family as a whole should have. Igor is generally satisfied with his life. Although he believes that his wife could find herself, in his words, "a more decent job, befitting a decent woman," with a higher salary. When she got married, Elena was sure that her husband would make a successful career, she could not work at all. However, the plan failed, so the woman can be considered financially disappointed in her husband. It annoys her to have to account to him for every thousand spent. She regularly requires her husband to either change jobs or make a career breakthrough.

Factor 3. The specifics of the financial behavior of the husband and wife separately. So that she could make purchases of expensive and prestigious things, wife Elena is forced to deceive her husband in trifles in order to save up "extra" three to five thousand rubles. Then she buys expensive things in her wardrobe, and tells her husband their underestimated cost. Therefore, spouses rarely go shopping together. The husband tries to manage and control the family budget, but he does not do it systematically, he does it badly. Spouses often argue about the appropriateness of certain purchases.

Factor 4. The spouses' assessment of each other's financial behavior (positive or negative). Igor and Elena consider each other's financial behavior wrong. Spouses often argue about the appropriateness of certain purchases. Elena shames her husband for the fact that “in your years you still receive, like yesterday’s graduate of the institute”.

Factor 5. Proportions of funds spent on each of the spouses (excluding children). In a pair, there is an unambiguous skew of costs towards the wife. The husband, in comparison with the wife, looks much more modestly dressed. It bothers him a little, but he keeps mum for now. The cricket knows its six.

Factor 6. The influence of parents on the formation and spending of the family budget in the family of their children, their positive or negative assessment of the financial behavior of husband and wife. Elena's parents, themselves not very wealthy, live in a position imposed on them by their daughter, they believe that "Igor could have earned better." Fortunately for everyone, they rarely voice this position out loud. Igor's parents understand that “something is wrong with money” in their son’s family, they tell him “to better monitor his wife’s behavior, count all the money himself and keep the budget”. Hence, their relationship with Elena is very cool.

Conclusion (money and family): The financial behavior of this family does not correspond much to the pre-wedding ideas of men and women about how they should live in marriage. From here, in the family, future problems gradually ripen. His wife Elena, trying to look "on top", increasingly accepts favorably the courtship and gifts of wealthy clients of her beauty salon. The husband trusts his wife less and less, complains about her to his parents and colleagues at work. Among the latter there are also unmarried women, some of whom are already beginning to show him concern and care. In the long term, this can lead to a serious family crisis …

Example 4. Family of average problem

Mikhail, 29 years old, Anya, 27 years old. Two children: Anna's first child

from a past relationship (born at the age of 18), the second is joint, married

Factor 1. The amount of property of each spouse, the level of income of each spouse, their contribution to the family piggy bank. Mikhail is a production foreman, earning forty-two thousand rubles a month, Anna works as a realtor, earning very unstable: from 20 to 200 thousand rubles a month. Mikhail had a living room, thanks to her work, Anna successfully exchanged it for a two-room apartment. The current family budget (food plus utility bills) is formed mainly by the husband. However, all the main material acquisitions in the family are made only thanks to Anna.

Factor 2. The nature of the ideas of each of the spouses about what level of income each partner and in the family as a whole should have. Mikhail is an essentially simple person, he is satisfied with everything in this life. Including his own income and the income of his wife. When she got married, Anna was well aware that her husband would not be a “bird of a great flight,” and was counting, first of all, on her own strength. It was important for Anna, who considers herself an ordinary "middle peasant", to get married in principle in order to obtain the long-awaited status of "married" so that her husband would treat her first child out of wedlock at the age of 18. Mikhail in this sense suited her perfectly. Anna appreciates her husband, which does not prevent her from dating more successful men. But, while the children are small, Anna is in no hurry to look for an option for a more wealthy husband. All financial accounting in the family. Anna is annoyed by the complete financial stupidity and not the independence of her husband, but she still put up with it.

Factor 3. The specifics of the financial behavior of the husband and wife separately. The specificity of the family is the complete absence of the husband's financial behavior. Mikhail is, in fact, the third child in the family. Anna always buys everything herself. Even the family's car is mostly used only by the wife. Financial power in the family belongs unconditionally to the wife.

Factor 4. The spouses' assessment of each other's financial behavior (positive or negative). The family's grades are simple. Mikhail considers his wife the best option. Anya understands that Mikhail has reached his “ceiling” in life, and cannot jump above his head. There are no disputes about the expediency of certain purchases in the family: Anna alone makes all decisions.

Factor 5. Proportions of funds spent on each of the spouses (excluding children). In a pair, there is an unambiguous skew of costs towards the wife. The husband, in comparison with the wife, looks much more modestly dressed. Fortunately, he himself does not notice this and, therefore, does not worry. In addition, Anna has already allowed herself a trip to Turkey only with children, without her husband. This is the wrong opening.

Factor 6. Influence of parents on the formation and spending of the family budget in the family of their children, their positive or negative assessment of the financial behavior of husband and wife. Mikhail's parents are very happy with the choice of their son: the daughter-in-law has solved the problems with housing, she has saved up for a good car herself. They love Anna very much. Anna's parents, seeing their daughter's financial success, on the contrary, frankly believe that their daughter was wrong and could find herself a richer husband. They sometimes voice their position, and a drop, as you know, wears away a stone …

Conclusion (money and family): The financial behavior of this family is only partly consistent with the pre-wedding ideas of men and women about how they should live in marriage. My husband did not have such ideas at all, Mikhail, in fact, went with the flow. Anna dreamed of a richer husband, but she was faced with a pragmatic task: to get married in general. Therefore, she postponed the question of choosing a new husband or having respectable lovers, as if "for later." The fate of this family is difficult to predict: the spouses can live their whole lives happily, or they can part, if, having gotten stronger financially, Anna decides to move into a new family future …

Example 5. Family of great problem

Anatoly, 41 years old, Victoria, 28 years old. Married for three years. Anatoly has two adult children from his first marriage. There is a common child with Vika, two years old

Factor 1. The amount of property of each spouse, the level of income of each spouse, their contribution to the family piggy bank. Anatoly is the owner of an office building, earning up to a million rubles a month on rent. Lives in a cottage, has several apartments. Contains not only Victoria with a child, but also a past wife and adult children, parents and even a younger brother. Victoria has no work experience at all. From the university immediately married, after the wedding on maternity leave. All the money and property in the family is only with the husband.

Factor 2. The nature of the ideas of each of the spouses about what level of income each partner and in the family as a whole should have. Anatoly was not satisfied with his former wife, a self-sufficient woman with a decent income and allowing herself to make comments to her husband. Therefore, by marrying Victoria (having entered into an official marriage only because he planned to be nominated for the local Legislative Assembly, and there you need a clear marital status), he specifically looked for a completely dependent wife. To the chagrin of Anatoly, Victoria did not want to be just a kept woman and a housewife. The girl dreams of her own business and she is very offended that her husband forbids her even to think about it.

Factor 3. The specifics of the financial behavior of the husband and wife separately. Anatoly is a very calculating person, accustomed to control all finances himself. However, Victoria learned to be cunning (she took other people's checks for things for a large sum in stores) and withhold certain funds from her husband, forming her own "development budget". From which she then, in the event of a divorce, plans to start her own business.

Factor 4. The spouses' assessment of each other's financial behavior (positive or negative). Anatoly's problem is that he periodically allows himself a low estimate of Victoria's business and personal qualities, which offends her. As a result, big money (Victoria has diamonds and a mink coat and a Mercedes) does not bring the spouses closer, but they are repelled. Hence, the status of a wife for Victoria is not so much family happiness as morally hard work, for which they pay well, but which, anyway, I want to change …

Factor 5. Proportions of funds spent on each of the spouses (excluding children). Despite the fact that Anatoly does not spare money in the family for Victoria and the child, the pair has an unambiguous bias of costs towards her husband. He buys himself expensive watches and cars, flies abroad, without even informing his wife about it. Apparently, he spends a lot on other women as well.

Factor 6. Influence of parents on the formation and spending of the family budget in the family of their children, their positive or negative assessment of the financial behavior of husband and wife. Anatoly's parents are financially dependent on their son, therefore they are always silent. Victoria's parents live far away. In order not to upset them, an intelligent daughter creates in them the complete feeling that everything is fine in the family. Nobody has any influence on the family.

Conclusion (money and family): The financial behavior of this family does not correspond to the pre-wedding ideas of men and women about how they should live in marriage. Anatoly found himself a financially dependent young and beautiful wife, but she stubbornly does not want to be only a housewife, aspires to become a business woman. Victoria dreamed of a rich husband who would help her get out into people and take place as a person, but her husband refuses to help her in this.

The fate of this family is hardly predictable. Victoria may after some time come to terms with her fate, or she may begin to shape her own path in life.

Example 6. Family of great problem

Danil, 30 years old, Natalia, 28 years old. Married for four years, the child is three years old

Factor 1. The amount of property of each spouse, the level of income of each spouse, their contribution to the family piggy bank. Danil - following the example of his parents, several times tries to create his own business, but so far unsuccessfully. The problem, among other things, is that the guy is very fond of playing computer and hanging out with friends, some of whom smoke weed. Danil's main and stable source of income is regular deliveries of money and "humanitarian aid" in the form of products from wealthy parents. Natalya works as a lawyer in a prosperous firm, and receives up to fifty thousand rubles a month. The family lives in a three-room apartment donated by Danil's parents. However, Natalia also has her own one-room apartment, also donated to her by her parents. The apartment is rented, which gives the young family an additional ten thousand a month.

Factor 2. The nature of the ideas of each of the spouses about what level of income each partner and in the family as a whole should have. Danil is very satisfied with his wife's income. The problem of the family is that Natalia is not satisfied with her foolish husband. The girl planned that her husband would also be hardworking and have a stable income. The worst thing in all this is that Danil does not have an adequate idea of himself. Despite his obvious parasitism, the young man stubbornly considers himself a promising and successful businessman, whose time has not yet come.

Factor 3. The specifics of the financial behavior of the husband and wife separately. Natalia is an exemplary hostess, on whom the whole family rests. Danil is a professional loser and a misfit. The family, in fact, lacks a common family budget. It is only in Natalia's head. And she is very annoyed that Danil not only does not earn himself, but also spends more on himself and his adventures than his parents give.

Factor 4. The spouses' assessment of each other's financial behavior (positive or negative). Danil is completely satisfied with his wife. But Natalia is very annoyed that Danil not only does not earn himself, but also spends more on himself and his adventures than his parents give.

Factor 5. Proportions of funds spent on each of the spouses (excluding children). In total, an approximately comparable amount of money is spent on each of the spouses. Formally, everything is fair. But Natalia is nervous that the husband is financially attached not to his wife, but has an external source of funding in the form of parents' tranches.

Factor 6. Influence of parents on the formation and spending of the family budget in the family of their children, their positive or negative assessment of the financial behavior of husband and wife. Danil's parents are sensible people, they themselves understand the whole problematic nature of the situation. With their money, they not so much finance the foolish son as soften the pill to his wife. They very much ask Natalia not to divorce their son and wait until he grows wiser. Natalia's parents do not like the situation either. They believe that if the daughter files for divorce, she will do absolutely right and mom and dad will only support her. Moreover, they are even ready to add money to their daughter in order to exchange her one-room apartment for a two-room one.

Conclusion (money and family): The financial behavior of this family does not correspond to the pre-wedding ideas of men and women about how they should live in marriage. Natalya herself planned to work and saw her husband also harnessed to the family strap. Danil in his thoughts saw himself as a wealthy head of the family, and, moreover, his wife should have been financially dependent on him. In fact, none of this happened.

If Danil is not quickly admonished, the fate of this family is most likely sad. One day, Natalia may not stand the adventures of her husband and move out to her apartment. And there it is not far from the divorce …

The examples I have given are intended to show you all the complexity and ambiguity of material and financial relationships in a modern family. It is very important for me that you stop being held captive by the philistine notions, when families are assessed only according to the scheme "who sits on whose neck: a husband with a wife, a wife with a husband, or both on the neck of someone's parents." You see that factor 2 “The nature of each spouse's perception of what level of income each spouse should have” is sometimes much more important than factor 1 "The amount of property of each spouse, the level of income of each spouse, partner and in the family as a whole. " It is from here that one wife, living at the expense of her husband, will be immensely happy, and the other (in a similar situation) will be eager to work and realize herself in life, to conflict with her husband because of this. One will be faithful, and the other will go from hand to hand. Exactly from here, the estimates of the more wealthy wives of their less wealthy husbands will also differ. One woman will be glad that at least some, but still there is a husband. And the other will kick out her husband who earns little money, prefer life in general to one …