PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONAL STYLE

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The most typical feature of a passive-aggressive personality is resistance to external demands, manifested in sabotage and oppositional behavior. Behavior options include forgetting commitments, poor performance, procrastination, etc. These people often protest when faced with the need to conform to the standards set by other people.

Such people avoid being persistent, believing that direct confrontation is dangerous. When other people make requests to these people that they do not want to comply with, the combination of resentment and lack of self-confidence leads to them reacting in a passive-aggressive manner.

People who are in power are seen as prone to injustice. In accordance with this, a passive-aggressive person blames others for their problems and is not able to realize that by his behavior he creates difficulties for himself. Passive-aggressive individuals negatively interpret most events; their thoughts reflect negativism and a desire to follow the path of least resistance.

In an open manner of resistance, these people are unable to act, they are not able to defend their rights, but they strongly resent when submitting to the demands of others. Permanently internally not wanting to complete tasks, they are only capable of passive resistance, being afraid to go into open conflict.

When confronted with the negative consequences of default, they become frustrated with people who have the power to issue instructions and demand rules to be followed, rather than wondering how their own behavior influenced those negative consequences. This discontent can sometimes manifest itself in an outburst of anger, but more often, passive methods of revenge are used.

Typical beliefs in a passive personality style are as follows

1. I am self-sufficient, but I need others to help me achieve my goals.

2. The only way to maintain self-esteem is to indirectly assert yourself, such as not following instructions.

3. I love to get attached to people, but I do not want to be manipulated.

4. Powerful people are usually obsessive, demanding, intrusive and tend to command.

5. I must resist the domination of the authorities, but at the same time seek their approval and acceptance.

6. Unbearable to be controlled or dominated by others.

7. I have to do everything my own way.

8. Setting deadlines, meeting requirements, and accommodating are direct threats to my pride and self-sufficiency.

9. If I obey the rules, as people expect, it limits my freedom of action.

10. It is better not to express your anger directly, but to show displeasure by disobeying.

11. I myself know what I need and what is good for me, and others should not tell me what to do.

12. The rules are arbitrary and limit me.

13. Other people are often too demanding.

14. If I think people are too powerful, I have the right to ignore their demands.

Let me give you an example. Alexander, 38 years old, at home and at work, as well as in a relationship with a therapist, demonstrates a passive-aggressive model of behavior. As a young boy, he was protected and controlled by an overbearing mother; the father, about whom the man could say nothing intelligible, was probably an indistinct figure (most likely he was a quiet alcoholic), who could not rid the boy of an obsessive mother. At work and at home, Alexander, agreeing with his boss / wife, kind of obeys, and by accepting obligations, he dooms himself to even greater failure. He tries to hide the inner feeling of immobility, resorting to a variety of protective tricks: he forgets about his promises, wastes time, refuses his words.

At the insistence of the therapist, Alexander begins to keep a diary, in which he must write down all the thoughts / feelings / images that come to his mind after he has agreed to this or that requirement. After several sessions, the therapist asks the client to share their notes. It turns out that for all the time Alexander has not made a single record. The study of why Alexander did not complete the tasks comes to a dead end, since Alexander enters the most frustrating degree of passive aggression for other people, he closes himself, is silent, averts his eyes. A week later, the client brings back a somehow completed diary. The therapist begins to interpret Alexander's behavior, explaining the passive-aggressive dynamics of his behavior; it is difficult for a client to admit to himself that he uses all this arsenal of means. At the end of the session, the therapist asks the client a question: "Do you want to say something, ask?" To which the client gives a negative answer. The therapist then asks the following question: "You look so displeased that it comes to my mind, are you ready to continue our work?" The client replies, "Yes, of course." A week later, at the appointed time, the client does not appear.

Once a young married couple came to me for a consultation, the spouse was indignant at the behavior of his wife, who now and then “forgot” about her promises, postponed their fulfillment until later, everything, ultimately, ended in either poor fulfillment of the promise or nothing at all. Long-term work with a couple and separately with a spouse yielded results, but this required efforts on the part of the woman, which were given to her with great difficulty, since passive aggression often forced her to be late for sessions, sabotage discussions, not do homework, do not believe in the need for therapy. In working with such clients, it is necessary to provide special support, building even relationships, adult (non-parental) partnerships and empathic understanding (diagnostic and therapeutic).

According to V. Reich, when passive-aggressive obstructions to other people are explained by deep disappointment in love. A person who acts out a child's anger in order to take revenge and torment rejecting parents, in fact, "being irritated and angry, demands love."

Having got rid of passivity and evasiveness, such people gain confidence in their creative powers and take deliberate, responsible actions. Their intelligence, used creatively rather than aggressively, makes their life more colorful and interesting. Breaking free from the constant cycle of contractions and gimmicks into which they are pushed by the feeling of defeat, they begin to use their strength for their own good, as well as help others to gain confidence. Filling their activities and relationships with living, vibrating energy, people with a passive-aggressive character structure fill life itself with strength and magic.