(not) Time To Forgive

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

I I readily accept the moral imperative to “forgive,” because forgiveness can be a powerful force that heals and reconciles

And yet, I consider it necessary to speak out to the many near-spiritual opuses (which are full of blogs, magazines, books), where forgiveness is viewed as a panacea for pain and resentment, and a "step to happiness", without the slightest mention of many situations, people, stages living the injury when this advice is not helpful. Often, such advice takes an openly offensive form, suggesting that if we cannot forgive, it means that we are clinging to the past, focusing on the negative, hiding a stone in our bosom, craving revenge, addicted to adrenaline, sticking in a victim position, taking a defensive position, becoming in the "never forgive" position, instead of radiating benevolence and mercy. Such judgments do not just neutralize real pain, they also devalue attempts at intellectual analysis of the trauma that many are experiencing. In addition, the attitudes behind such statements can lead to shame, causing the person to believe that something is going wrong in the natural process of recovering from an injury or betrayal. And forgiveness is not the first (maybe not even the second or third) stage. The truth is that many do not forgive simply because there is no time for this, they just need a certain period to go their own way, to gain strength. This is correct and reasonable.

It is alarming how antipsychological psychologists can be. Forgiveness cannot be the best medicine for everyone, always. In fact, you can even get sick from it. One person with whom I spoke, voiced thoughts that are familiar to many: “At the time when there was little that kept me in this life, my new therapist helped me a lot. When I began to reveal to her the true story of what had been done to me, she was NOT talking about forgiveness."

6 REASONS (YET) NOT TO FORGIVE

1. Those who force forgiveness ignore the fact that anger naturally follows the hurt and needs to be integrated rather than eradicated like a disease-causing bacterium.

Contrary to common misconceptions, anger contains elemental powerthat can be integrated - a force that gives a person the opportunity to defend himself, reduce the likelihood of injury in the future, gain inner strength and self-confidence. Research has shown that too much forgiveness can undermine self-esteem [1] and lead to greater relationship problems and less acceptable partners. The idea is that presenting some degree of your anger can be healing and productive. Listen to the convincing voice of one woman: “For myself, I gave up on the idea of Great Forgiveness. Every time I heard another version of such a sermon - “Forgive me to be healed! ", Or:" You only harm yourself if you do not forgive!”- I wondered how this relates to a member of my family who sexually assaulted me. In the end, I said, “Fuck it. "Sometimes I am angry, sometimes calm."

2. Encouraging people to get rid of anger, ahead of the natural course of the process, suppresses and harms … When anger or desire for revenge is suppressed, they internalize (go inside).

And what's so bad about that? Pushed inward anger often manifests itself as a powerful, painful, destructive internal criticism, and acts like salt on a wound that we hope to heal. In addition, suppressed anger can lead to depression, relationship difficulties and countless health problems such as high blood pressure, heart problems, headaches, digestive problems, and more. 3. If we advise a person to forgive while the wound is still fresh, there is a great risk of ignoring the pain they are experiencing. It seems obvious: convincing a person to forgive quickly is a manifestation of insensitivity. But not everyone understands this. I have worked with many people who were hurt by a spouse, or who were advised to do just that as a child. Everyone has their own way of coping with the pain and betrayal, and the required time may be different, depending on the strength of the pain inflicted, the natural process of the person and the reaction of others with whom he shares this pain. The urge to forgive, without sensitivity to these details, is not helpful; it hurts and shames. What is the period while the wound is "still fresh"? Sometimes it's days, sometimes it's months, and sometimes it's years.

4. Advice to forgive negates the value of confronting the abuser

What if I told you that forgiveness too easy makes the person who hurt you more likely to do it again? So this is exactly what Professor James K. McNulty discovered, namely that those who easily forgive their wrongdoers are twice as likely to be repeatedly mistreated. That being said, confrontation with the abuser can not only improve your own life, but it can help to make the world safe for others as well.

Imagine bullying, violence, resentment and discrimination can be greatly reduced if not completely eliminated through confrontation. One of my interlocutors said: “Even at the most basic level, simply publicizing that some people are causing suffering to others is already a way of leading to change. After all, so much injustice happens just because no one talks about it."

5. The appropriateness of the advice to "forgive" also depends on who asks whom for forgiveness

It is hardly worth explaining that an abuser who asks for forgiveness from his victim is most likely not doing so out of genuine concern for their interests. But this is what is happening all over the place. Is it worth believing the instructions of a person who convinces you to forgive the offender if he is sympathetic to him or financially connected? It can be one of the parents who instills in you that you need to forgive the other, a religious institution that believes that you need to forgive a cleric, a politician seeking to advance in his career, a friend who is unable to make up for the damage caused, or just a person, for which your abuser is closer than you. Wherever there is any conflict of interest, be alert and slow down before you try to forgive. 6. If it is recommended to forgive or not pay attention to a group that has experienced prolonged oppression, this is often a manifestation of ignorance and arouses suspicion. Post after post, article after article preach forgiveness, failing to address the trauma of persistent social prejudice and marginalization. Instead of paying attention to these diseases of society, forgiveness is spoken of as if it were a purely individual process: one person forgives another. In a sense, traditional notions of forgiveness ignore some of the most profound traumas of our time, and such advice can be regarded as ignorance, even complicity, when looking at the history of relationships between races, genders and other issues of diversity. First, it discounts the great successes of women, blacks, gays, Jews, people with disabilities and other marginalized groups who have taken the seeds of resentment and anger and nurtured them into public action. They didn't just practice forgiveness.

They used the energy of their rage, thirst for revenge, anger in order to raise their weapons and voice for the good of many, incl. to develop America's Democratic Project. Second, it ignores the fact that powerful prejudices still exist and the trauma they cause are not just a relic of the past. Should we forgive offenders while they continue to harm? Finally, this advice often comes from individuals or groups who either have more power in society, or are interested in removing the excuse to discover their own guilt, or to correct the troubles from which many have suffered. This brings us to the question: “Do those who write such articles know nothing about the history of the deeds of past generations, the consequences of which fall on others, a history that still lives on? Do they conceal an unconscious hope that it is possible to get rid of guilt without correcting the consequences? You cannot resent racism in Ferguston, and immediately preach forgiveness as the only possible way to get rid of pain and injustice. Black psychiatrists Lliam Grier and Price Cobbs highlighted this issue in their seminal work, Black Rage, stating:

"We see the greatest danger in the fact that unscrupulous people can use psychotherapy as a means of public control, in order to convince the patient to come to terms with their fate." [2]

Forgiveness can be sweet and healing, and it is true. But please, before advising to forgive, consider the extent and variety of trauma, as well as the nature of the person or group you are advising. If we promote forgiveness as a universal practice, we become blind to so many things, and this blindness acts like salt on wounds and shame on those for whom it is too early to forgive.

[1] Laura B. Luchies, Eli J. Finkel, James K. McNulty, Madoka Kumashiro, “The doormat effect: When forgiving erodes self-respect and self-concept clarity.” Journal ofPersonality and Social Psychology, Vol. 98 (2010): 734-749. [2] William H. Grier and Price M. Cobbs, Black Rage. (Eugene, OR: Wipf & Stock Publishers, 2000).

David Bedrick, J. D., Dipl. PW

"Forgiveness? - Thank you, not now"

Translation: Maria Makukha