Five Tips To Improve Your Marriage After 10 Years

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The word "no" should appear in the relationship

Some couples could repeat, along with the heroes of Jonathan Safran Foer: "Life was in full swing around us, but not between us." If your relationship is not the first year, then you probably came across such thoughts: “my marriage is boring”, “there is not a drop of passion left in it”, “I don’t feel emotional closeness with him / her”, “our sex life resembles a trip to Bali - once a year "," he / she does not appreciate me, if he appreciated me, then at least he answered elementary requests "," I feel that our marriage has come to an end "," we live as if “By” - we don't meet, we don't talk about feelings as before; we are like two strangers on the subway who only travel in the same carriage "," I like my colleague at work, her breasts are denser, and my wife's figure has changed "," if he could tighten up his stomach. " Are these thoughts familiar to you? Have you heard a similar inner monologue?

During psychological consultations with clients, I found that overcoming the crisis of 10 years in marriage requires much more effort than at the beginning of family life.

Let's take the following periodization in relationships as a basis:

1. People get married.
2. They give birth to children.
3. They work a lot.
4. Children grow up.
5. Grow up and leave home.

Approximately 10 years pass until the fourth stage. By this time, you can find that the passion in the relationship has subsided and the abyss is invisibly widening. Why? In the first four stages, as a rule, the woman is busy with the child, the husband - making money. At the third stage, the misunderstanding also intensifies, since: a) both are busy with work; b) everyone has their own responsibilities; c) work is gradually becoming a second home, and maybe the first. This emotionally alienates the spouse, and interactions take up a lot of energy. Especially if one of the spouses gets sick, it seriously affects the relationship. Imagine trying to walk on only one leg. The load on one of the spouses increases significantly. If you do nothing in the first four stages, then, reaching the fifth, you find a complete emptiness. There are cases when the spouses overcame this difficult stage and divorced.

So how do you maintain a healthy relationship with your partner?

1. Consider the roles you play in marriage. The role of each partner is formed at the beginning of the marriage. There are different motives for building relationships: “I want to help / save another from loneliness”, “I feel fear of being alone, so I didn’t say no” … What motives were you guided by? The roles chosen at the beginning of a marital relationship resemble the movement of a train on the same tracks. Once a woman at a consultation said: “I suddenly realized that I was used to doing everything for my husband,” and he, in turn, got used to expecting an initiative from his wife. In marriage, there should be no role as a mother for a husband or a father for a wife. Remember that the initially chosen roles are then always in the given direction of the tree of your marriage. Don't pull everything on yourself. The load ratio between spouses should be 50/50. If it is, for example, 90/10 - you will get tired, you will feel exhausted, burnt out.
2. Solve long-standing problems and learn to forgive one another. Unforgiveness in relationships is like a bottomless abyss that grows at a catastrophic rate. Unforgiveness is an unfinished dialogue. What then is the position in society, prosperity, the semblance of success, if it is difficult for the spouses to communicate? Remember, good people don't make fewer mistakes - they just know how to apologize.
3. Start spending time together, sharing interests. For a harmonious relationship, mutual and active involvement in communication is needed. Do something together. At least - to walk and chat together. If you avoid relationship difficulties, then you avoid solving the problem. Feel free to talk about your feelings: about what you don't like in your relationship, about conflicts that happen more and more often, about the fact that sex has ceased to bring you pleasure, and perhaps you have never admitted that you have not experienced an orgasm - and something needs to be done about it. Remember the pattern: if you spend less time with your spouse, you will start spending more time with colleagues at work, on trips, and at trainings in exactly proportional terms.
4. Talk to your partner at least three times a day about how you are feeling. What am I talking about? Over time, we get used to saying what the other would like to hear from us. The reason is the fear of hearing the scream of the spouse or offending the spouse; fear of admitting that I have lost myself for several years. This behavior gives rise to many other fears and anxieties, and panic attacks are not uncommon. Tell each other the truth about your feelings. If you do not like doing what you are offered, tell me about it. The word "no" should appear in the relationship. To always say "yes" is to go with the flow, to go without inner consent, your decision.
5. Satisfy each other's needs. Listen. Check if you understood each other correctly. Ask yourself a question every day: Do I know the needs of my wife / husband; can I speak openly about needs? What was the last request you granted? When it was? What has your spouse been talking about for three months now, and you continue to postpone it until tomorrow?

If you start doing these tips as assignments, you will achieve a quality relationship that will last for many years of marriage. Let me remind you the words from Foer's novel Here I am, which describes the life of a family in which the relationship began to collapse: “The only way to keep something nearby is to keep it. Cling. To knock to the ground, like Jacob of an angel, and do not let it escape. What you no longer fight, you miss. Love is not peace. Love is a struggle."