Forgive Treason. Is It Possible To "understand And Forgive" Betrayal?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Forgive treason. Unfortunately, almost 70% of all married couples, during their family history, are faced with cheating on their husband or wife. About a third of these couples get divorced in the first months after the discovery of infidelity. However, most spouses either immediately come to an understanding of the need to preserve the family, or part for a while (they even try to live with other partners), but then they still try to glue the broken cup of their marriage. And here an interesting and tragic in its essence phenomenon arises:

Almost a third of those married couples where, after revealing infidelity

both partners want to preserve the marriage, nevertheless they are destroyed,

simply because the partner who announced his “forgiveness”

in fact, he did not forgive either in thought or in his behavior

How is this expressed?In the fact that with an external course of rapprochement, the half that made the decision to “understand and forgive” the changed partner periodically experience breakdowns and failures, expressed in frank scandals, “silence”, offensive hints about what happened, or the proposal “once again calmly talk about what happened and clarify some important detail … . After which, in response, the partner who, after his betrayal, decided to stay in the family, also breaks down. An explosion of negative emotions takes place and the family again rolls back to the level of relations from which, it would seem, everyone was trying so hard to get away.

I work almost every day with wives who say something like: “My husband has cheated. When I found out, I was hysterical, cut his things, threw them from the balcony, rushed to fight him, kicked him out of the apartment, and then ran after him and tried to return him. Then she turned on her brain and realized that what had happened was also my fault: I turned all my attention to the child, avoided sex, was a bad housewife, did everything according to the advice of my mother and friends, not her husband, wasted money, etc. After that, she began to behave more adequately. We calmed down and agreed to get back together. The husband returned. It seems like they began to live better. Now I am a real house fairy! I am slimmer, I cook well, I updated my wardrobe, I am active in sex, I even communicate with his obnoxious mother and freak friends. But once a week or two, something hits me, I immediately explode or cry. Especially if he comes home from work a little later, or someone calls him in the evening, or for some reason he does not take the initiative for sex for a long time … The husband asks in surprise what happened, because everything is fine with us, and I pounce on him again. And he, instead of hugging and comforting me, packs up his things and leaves again. Or he himself does not speak to me for a week afterwards. And now, six months after his infidelity, he again left me for his mistress, saying that I had eaten his whole brain and it was impossible to live with me !!! I understand everything, but is once a week or a month is it grumpiness ?! Can't you forgive me for that ?! After all, I forgave him much more - treason! So, why can't you forgive me ?!"

About the same, I regularly hear from men. “My wife has cheated. I was shocked! Filed for divorce. Then he thought about the children. Then he saw that he himself was often wrong: he did not pay due attention to his wife, kissed and hugged a little, was not interested in her affairs at work or success in raising a child, did not give gifts, did not show it out, did not do housework on time (etc.). It seems to have forgiven. She, too, made a decision to stay. They began to live more interesting and fun, to go out to people, to talk more often. I'm all such a gallant macho, with flowers and champagne. But sometimes the language itself strives to ask something, like: "And with whom was it better for you in bed, with him or with me?" Or: "Did you at least wear condoms with him, or didn't you protect yourself?"Or: "Have you thrown away all his gifts, or are you secretly keeping something?" After that, a scandal and complete paralysis of family life: no communication, no sex, no leisure … Is it possible that after reconciliation, I can not ask about the details of his wife's betrayal? Don't I have the right to find out something else, putting the whole puzzle of what happened in my head? After all, everything is really interesting to me. Doesn't she understand that? Can't she understand me?"

In such cases, I patiently explain that the pattern of life after cheating is simple. If a cheating husband or a wife on a spree is really problematic people (parasites, alcoholics, drug addicts, gambling addicts, caught cheating again, prone to domestic violence, disgusting parents, etc.), then it makes sense not to forgive them, but to part once and for all making a divorce.

But if your changed half always behaved positively in the family (does not have bad addictions, worked, carried all the money to the family, loves the child, is active in intimacy, is good at the household, etc.), it means that your husband (or your wife) was not very comfortable with you in particular. And therefore, having made a decision Forgive treason andabout keeping a family with this person, whose merits still clearly outweigh his / her flaws and what happened, it is important to understand a few things.

Firstly:

That family half to whom you decided to forgive treason,

after reconciliation, I should not see a deterioration,

and improving your attitude towards yourself

I emphasize: not even preservation of what was before the discovery of the fact of treason, but improvement! If only because from the state that was previously in the family, your partner went to seek solace from someone else.

Secondly:

Every forgiven person is necessarily afraid of

that whoever forgave him actually harbored evil

and at the first opportunity he wants to punish and take revenge

This latent internal psychological stress lasts a long time, at least three months, or even a whole year. At this time, the one who was forgiven thinks: “Yeah, you forgave me, you promised to draw conclusions from what happened and communicate well, but based on our past life experience, for some reason it seems to me that nothing will work out for you ! You will play white and fluffy good girl (loving husband) for a while, but you won't be enough for a long time! And then everything will return to normal, and I will be in the role of “always guilty (oh) and justifying (ysya)! I really don't want to be in this role. Moreover, already knowing that I can be someone else in demand! Therefore, if, suddenly, you break loose and make a scandal, it will mean that you are the same (s)! And therefore - you and I still can't get along!"

That is, when you, after a week or a month of relative family well-being and your good behavior, suddenly break into a tailspin and arrange interrogation, harassment, or are quietly sad, you automatically confirm the worst fears of your "half": it is still impossible to live with you, and to believe that you have changed is useless! And it doesn't matter that this is a one-time occurrence! In the case of intense stress, the human psyche develops a conditioned reflex from just one time! And he says one thing: "Do not believe the one who talks about forgiveness and vows to be better, but rather run away from him / her until it starts again!"

The one who has been forgiven - trusts the one who forgives

But he does not want to take risks again in case of deception

When I hear from “ forgiven", But the words still inwardly seething with indignation from the wives that" I am now all such a kind fairy, and one hysteria a week / month is forgivable to me, so why does my forgiven husband not smile at me and drag me to bed ?”, I always ask:“Now imagine that this kind and smiling fairy has a huge gun in her hands! Even if it is invisible to herself. And it very much spoils the idea of her! And it’s somehow scary to climb up to her with kisses and intimacy: what if she fires ?!”.

When I hear from “ forgiven", But the words of the still enraged husbands that" every day I bring my cheating wife to work and give her flowers on weekends, and she, you see, cannot tell me what she was thinking, when did you go on a date with another man for the first time and gets offended if I yell at her? " pulls out a gun and starts firing. Here are flowers for you: you can give them to your wife, but if after that you start to crush her morally, no flowers, perfumes and compliments will help you breathe life into your communication again.

In general, many "forgiven" wives and husbands do not understand that their "forgiveness" is not at all an indulgence and not getting the right to hurt the one who was allegedly "forgiven"! Such behavior is always a rollback from the achieved reconciliation! This is a new war in the family

It is useless and incorrect to demand from a partner to forgive you for breakdowns, if you promised - that they will not be in principle! One such breakdown of yours is enough to make you no longer believed. Even if you have been a fairy or macho for a month or two. As a practicing psychologist, I say this:

It is difficult to lure you with a carrot when you have a whip in your other hand.

Therefore, if you are a fairy who wants peace in the family - hand over your gun! If you are a real gentleman and forgiven - do not hit your wife in the face with a bouquet of flowers! Otherwise, neither the image of a fairy, nor a macho will help you. A vixen will look out of a fairy, and a blue beard of an embittered misogynist from a macho.

Sincerely wishing to forgive - demand first of all from yourself!

Third. If you want to save your family after betrayal and reconciliation, remember:

True forgiveness and reconciliation are always

the silence of the forgiven and the gratitude of the forgiven

If the forgiven cheating husband or the unfaithful wife still did not understand anything or did not make the final choice, again give rise to jealousy or behave selfishly or in a boorish way - remember your pride and chase them in the neck, part with them! If they behave correctly and sincerely thank you for your generosity, be silent about what happened and be silent again! No matter how painful it is in your soul! Know:

Pain from betrayal of your spouse / and after your family reconciliation

in any case, less than the pain of the possible loss of the family

You can suffer and swear out loud, you can give vent to your emotions, but only in loneliness and not in the presence of the one with whom you put up!

And fourth:Everyone knows the ancient truth: "Time heals!" But I add:

Time does not heal everyone, but only those who wish not only to be treated,

namely, to be cured! And for this I am ready to sacrifice something

Including, go to certain temporary difficulties, endure various internal experiences. Better yet, overcome them! I'll tell you more:

Not only in treatment, but in any business, one should rely not only on

and not so much for a while, but for himself, his will and reason

Therefore, making a decision in principle to preserve your family after betrayal of a partner, admitting your mistakes and seeing your partner's remorse and his / her willingness to start living in a family differently, you do not just need to rely on time, go with the flow and naively hope that you will be forgiven for one-time disruptions in behavior if you previously behaved positively. As you know, one fly in the ointment spoils a whole barrel of honey! One single scandal in the reconciliation of spouses means that the reconciliation never took place!

So I very much ask all those wives and husbands that after weighing all the pros and cons, they nevertheless decided Forgive treason and save your marriage, learn to restrain your jealousy and rage, resentment and longing. If you can be a fairy without a gun, and a gentleman without rudeness and pressure, then you can clearly prove to your half that it makes sense for you to believe and it makes sense to go further with you, along the road called life. Understand:

You can forgive treason and much more

But the deceit of an alleged forgiving person is always unforgivable

As a family psychologist, I advocate for a second chance, for Forgive treason for those couples where the cheating husband or wife, in general, are worthy people, both partners have made the right conclusions for themselves and sincerely wish to be together. And I draw attention to the hidden meaning of the well-known folk wisdom: "For one beaten - two unbeaten give!" Think about the word "broken!". Precisely "beaten" - that is, once punished, and not systematically "beaten". My favorite bard Vladimir Vysotsky sang correctly: "Shoot twice - the regulations do not order!"

In general, they don't wave their fists after a fight. If peace should reign in your family - let it really reign there! Only in this case time will begin on you, your inner partner will thaw out, will be able to behave extremely sincerely, and you will be able to receive your psychological dividends and spiritual comfort. Let the fairies surrender their weapons, and the husbands behave like men!

Summing up all of the above, I say the following:

• - you can really forgive the betrayal of a husband or a woman who has cheated on her only:
• - realizing their own behavioral mistakes in the family;
• - having received recognition, repentance and repentance from the side of the changed partner;
• - having made an unambiguous decision to preserve the marriage;
• - making the necessary adjustments to the family structure and communication in pairs, eliminating all the prerequisites for new betrayals;
• - completely excluding any talk about the betrayal, any reminders and hints about this sad event;
• - having lived in this regime for at least six months - a year.

Only in this case mutual trust will return in the married couple. Namely it - Forgive cheating is the main basis

Forgiveness only becomes a reality by becoming trust

Trust between people is impossible without mutual respectI.

Only by returning mutual respect and trust in the family will you be able to forgive and expect that they will forgive you too. What I sincerely wish you.