You Don't Go There, You Go Here. About Control In Relationships

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Control in relationships appears when there is no reliance on common agreements. Or these agreements are simply missing.

Two wonderful people met - a man and a woman, fell in love with each other and became a family. And when the stage of the wondrous fusion of souls ended and the stage of differentiation in the pair began, then the disagreement began. He went out for a beer with friends - she calls every hour, checks. He smiled at the passing girl - she already suspects of treason and wool his social networks. Or vice versa. She went to a meeting of classmates - he comes and picks her up, making a scandal. Daily interrogation - where I was, who I met, checking my phone. It all ends with the prohibitions to leave the house anywhere without a husband.

Some of my clients perceive this control as an act of love. Like, I would not love (or would not love) - I would not spend so much effort on surveillance.

Love does not love

But here I personally have many questions: is this love? With further therapeutic work with controlling people, it usually turns out that they really do not think much about their partner, for the most part they are interested in their personal experiences and needs, namely:

- horror of loss … A controlling spouse can be sensitive to the prospect of losing a relationship. Unconsciously, it seems to them that they themselves will not survive. Here a parental figure (for example, a mother) is projected onto the spouse, which if she leaves, then that's it, the “baby” will not survive. Such people often have severe psychological trauma associated with a sense of abandonment in parent-child relationships. Thus, an adult already plays out a similar “childish” scenario with his or her spouse.

- feeling of shame … A controlling partner can be terribly afraid of shame. Moreover, what exactly to be ashamed of is determined by himself and, as a rule, unconsciously. Women, for example, are ashamed of word of mouth. Something like the gossip of neighbors on the topic "and what kind of woman is she if she didn't keep the man ?!" or "ha-ha, she sits at home there, knows nothing, and he walks recklessly, and also in plain sight!" Men are often ashamed of conversations like "Yes, his wife is a walker!" Moreover, the most interesting thing is that there may not be such conversations in reality, but in the head of the controlling partner - they are, and they bloom "wildly". In this situation, shame often hides a very shaky self-esteem, which is highly dependent on the opinions of other people. It is difficult for such a person to rely on himself and his opinion of himself, since he usually understands something poorly about himself, but if someone says something to him, then he immediately takes it for granted and tries to meet expectations.

- guilt … A person who is prone to control may subconsciously suffer from excessive feelings of guilt towards a partner. For example, that he does not do something enough, does not fulfill his duties enough, here he is, another, and "goes to beer with friends." And in order to somehow reduce the intensity of the experience of his own, as it were, unfulfilled debt, he controls the behavior of the partner. Such spouses often say “and what, you are not interested in sitting at home with me, why are you going there? I've repaired your chair and bought a sewing machine …”.

Freedom as a Conscious Necessity

Any marital relationship is, first of all, a voluntary consent to a joint project called "family". Another thing is that in our culture such contracts (the marriage contract also applies to them) is often condemned. Well, it is somehow inappropriate, if you like, to talk about some particulars, especially of a mercantile plan. Therefore, people get married, often without saying any common rules or obligations, but "because I love her, without her, all life is zero."In general, this forecast is often justified, but a little later, when, in the absence of an agreement, mutual manipulations begin to grow, in which indeed the whole life of a couple may seem like one continuous “zero”.

Relationships without agreements, and indeed accepted and appropriated by both participants, are relationships without support, namely, unsafe relationships. Like bareback sex with an unknown partner. Yes, this is exactly the comparison. Because later, when children appear, and jointly acquired property, and various social ties, and some kind of work projects (and a commonplace habit and attachment), it can become really scary from the realization of your own dependence on a partner who grossly violates your boundaries.

Therefore, it is important to negotiate in a relationship. And even discuss seemingly very scary and uncomfortable situations. For example, what happens if you die or if I die? Or, if you suddenly like another woman, and I - another man? How are we going to act and what to say to each other? If one of us wants to break off relations, how will we agree in this case? What will happen to the children? The very discussion of such issues makes the relationship closer, safer. And most importantly, in such dialogues, one of the most important support remains - on the freedom of a person, in his experience of various feelings, in his desires and choices. In such dialogues, everything is allowed - that is, any manifestation, desire, desire of the partner is accepted. And this is the main point.

Of course, you can agree with something, but not with something, but in any case, you can admit the right of another person to your different needs, and deal with them.

Illustrations by Sophia Nicoladoni