If You Cannot Forgive Someone - Look Where You Have Not Forgiven Yourself

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

If you understand what feelings you want to evoke in a person, then you can understand what you feel yourself.

I can't say that the rule works 100% of the time, but when emotions are captured at lightning speed, this should be taken into account.

So it was with me, a few years ago …

I worked in a management position and, for good reason, was considered a valuable asset for the company. If you evaluate my productivity, it was outrageous: I was able to follow the work of my subordinates, fulfill the plans set by the company, solve development and promotion issues, and go on business trips. I rightfully considered myself the “star of the team”. It was not narcissistic delusion, I really had something to lean on. In the team, I enjoyed well-deserved respect, was an example to follow for subordinates.

But one day something went wrong. For me.

A new employee has appeared in the team as a deputy director. This was a bureaucrat of the old formation, with rigid thinking and megalomania, which she inherited with a work book, where previous high positions were recorded. As befits a bureaucrat, she very quickly began to break the robots established rules for years, build a new world, create new coalitions. And first of all, she began to debunk the personality cults of those who were in authority before her.

So that was me. Like a bone in her throat, I annoyed her with everything: appearance, arrogance, salary, influence on the leader. And, in her opinion, it was absolutely unacceptable to leave unpunished that the head of the department receives several times more than the deputy director.

The witch hunt began. All my minor mistakes and violations of innovations were carefully recorded. Entire congregations gathered to arrange public flogging. Small dirty tricks and provocations were arranged, in which I did not behave in the best way.

There and then there was a whole bunch of her supporters, who sharply began to find the worst in me, remembered every mistake and oversight.

It was unrealistic to remain in such an atmosphere. I felt rage and powerless. I could not stand the state when I was pushed from the cozy place of the "team stars" and called ordinary, presumptuous, greedy, etc. I could not stand being lowered to the ground and my contribution devalued.

I made the decision to quit my job.

There was no desire to look for words, to waste time and energy on explaining the reasons for their decision. I didn’t need wording, and I gave this opportunity to others. No means no. I, as a small child, decided to leave my favorite sandbox, because an older girl from a neighboring yard came to it. Despite the persuasion of my loyal employees, I decided to loudly slam the door and go nowhere.

Until now, staying away from the "woman's showdown", now my director spoke. The situation got out of control and reached the point where radical decisions had to be made. His choice was unambiguous, in my favor, which meant a choice not in favor of his new deputy director. The value of my stay at the firm was much greater than the value that its activity carried in itself and which, as a result, was reduced to banal personal calculations.

“I want to apologize for what happened. If you want, I can fire her!"

Do I want this? If I had plucked up the courage and honestly voiced the first thought out loud, then I would have shouted:

"Yes, that's exactly what I want."

A wave of anger covered me, and I immediately switched to the "now or never" mode. I wanted to pay off the offender, put her on her shoulder blades. I had a chance to decide where in the phrase: "Execution cannot be pardoned" to put a comma. No pathos, but for me it was a moment of triumph. I was happy, I felt proud. I managed to drive the older girl out of my sandbox and return all my beads. I could even make it so that she was never on my territory again.

A volcano of feelings boiled inside me, and the scalding lava tried to burst out in a derogatory verdict. A gray hole formed in the abdomen, which sucked me into the depths of the volcano. And deep in the hole is what makes me weak and defenseless. There is resentment and fear.

Uncertainty swept over me. Why do I need her dismissal? Yes, I'll be right in my own way, but will I be happy?

What will it give me and what feelings do I want my abuser to experience?

… I want her to feel that she is no longer needed. I want her to be scared, to feel lonely and defenseless. I want her to be unmasked and shown that she is the most ordinary person, for whom they also found justice. I want her to feel invaluable, incompetent. To make her feel like a loser …

Oh my God! Behind the veil of anger and thirst for justice, I saw what happened as in a distorted mirror. A throbbing pain crept into his temples, the purpose of which was to shift concentration from thoughts to feelings. I suddenly became small, small, and the whole weight of the decision that I must make hung over me.

This is impossible! I wanted to throw over my own pain, return it a hundredfold, cleanse myself of it! I wanted to get rid of this good and I could not think of another way how to throw it in the face of the offender.

I wanted to shift my shame to someone else !!!

It was I who felt like a loser, unnecessary and incompetent. It was I who got scared of being exposed and felt powerless. It is I who cannot live through my failures and failures. I am ashamed to find myself at the block when I was sitting on a pedestal before. I am ashamed to make money. Even my decision to leave without a fight is an unconscious desire for triumph. In this case, I, as it were, did not go down to the level to prove their delusions “flawed”. I am proud, I am above it. In this way, I remain all “good”, and the offender is all bad. She is a demon and I am an angel. She is the aggressor and I am the victim.

I'm in armor. I, like a light knight, in armor and with a visor on my face. I am closed by myself from myself.

My heart began to beat more quietly. Calmness and ability to reason gradually began to return to me. It was lousy in my soul.

I sighed and, already without anger, said: "There is no need to fire anyone ….".

Our senses are a signaling system. Red light that lights up at the moment of increased danger. If you ignore the incoming signals for too long, trouble is inevitable. Fear, sadness, aggression indicate that there is something in our environment that goes beyond the usual and requires a change in behavior. By and large, feelings are a tool that better than the head indicates what is really happening to us.

It is only important to give yourself a little time to recognize emotions. Let in the heart what the mind whispers and understand what you want the person to feel after interacting with you.

You can pretend to be fearless, confident, act as if the sea is knee-deep and immediately be destroyed by the ruthless stream of criticism, ridicule, which will inevitably fall on the presumptuous braggart.

"Aren't you ashamed to bring bad grades home?" - a message behind which is the parent's shame for their own failure. It’s much easier to pass on shame to a child like a hot potato than it is to endure your own feelings.

“If it were not for you, I would have left the hated job long ago” - an attempt to give someone else the blame for indecision and irresponsibility.

“You earn little,” - and underneath it is shame for not being able to realize their own potential and build a career.

“You constantly ignore me. It makes me angry,”- anger turned inward because of years of self-deception and illusions that a person will change.

“I can’t trust you because you betrayed me” - an accusation where there is guilt before you for allowing yourself to be treated this way.

You still won't be able to deceive yourself. Suppressing feelings, we are in a state of confusion. Any rejected feeling by a splinter will get stuck in the body and any stressful situation will be a sufficient trigger to trigger bodily reactions that will make you either freeze, or run away, or attack.

Again and again I am affirmed in the fidelity of the phrase: "If you cannot forgive someone, look where you have not forgiven yourself."

The only thing that helps to gain integrity is the ability to honestly look at ourselves and open up deeper and deeper in the process of contemplation. Say sincerely: “I feel powerless here. And here - pride. " Or: “Yes, I like to make good money. I love money and I am not ashamed. " Or: "I am broken." One has only to recognize all these manifestations in ourselves and allow it to appear, without putting on psychological defenses.

It is important to remember that on the path of life we will meet different travelers. They will be our teachers who will help us get to know ourselves better: some more and some less, but each will leave a mark on our lives.

This is the magic of relationships - they bring out our pain, shame, old wounds and protection from them. Because only relationships can shed light on what we hide from ourselves and heal what has long wanted to be healed.